Scripture referenced 11 passages
The passage this message was preached from, in full, with every other passage it reached for.
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1 Corinthians 2 mentioned as an example of how quoting scripture chapter and verse can come across as judgmental to kids
1 When I came to you, brothers, I didn’t come with excellence of speech or of wisdom, proclaiming to you the testimony of God.
2 For I determined not to know anything among you, except Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
3 I was with you in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling.
4 My speech and my preaching were not in persuasive words of human wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power,
5 that your faith wouldn’t stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.
6 We speak wisdom, however, among those who are full grown; yet a wisdom not of this world, nor of the rulers of this world, who are coming to nothing.
7 But we speak God’s wisdom in a mystery, the wisdom that has been hidden, which God foreordained before the worlds for our glory,
8 which none of the rulers of this world has known. For had they known it, they wouldn’t have crucified the Lord of glory.
9 But as it is written, “Things which an eye didn’t see, and an ear didn’t hear, which didn’t enter into the heart of man, these God has prepared for those who love him.”
10 But to us, God revealed them through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God.
11 For who among men knows the things of a man, except the spirit of the man, which is in him? Even so, no one knows the things of God, except God’s Spirit.
12 But we received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit which is from God, that we might know the things that were freely given to us by God.
13 Which things also we speak, not in words which man’s wisdom teaches, but which the Holy Spirit teaches, comparing spiritual things with spiritual things.
14 Now the natural man doesn’t receive the things of God’s Spirit, for they are foolishness to him, and he can’t know them, because they are spiritually discerned.
15 But he who is spiritual discerns all things, and he himself is judged by no one.
16 “For who has known the mind of the Lord, that he should instruct him?” But we have Christ’s mind.
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Keep this verse
Proverbs (unspecified)
the fool delights in airing his opinion; a fool appears wise when he keeps his mouth shut
Keep this verseMatthew 7 (unspecified)
before looking at the speck in someone else's eye, look at the log in your own eye
1 “Don’t judge, so that you won’t be judged.
2 For with whatever judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with whatever measure you measure, it will be measured to you.
3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but don’t consider the beam that is in your own eye?
4 Or how will you tell your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye;’ and behold, the beam is in your own eye?
5 You hypocrite! First remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye.
6 “Don’t give that which is holy to the dogs, neither throw your pearls before the pigs, lest perhaps they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
7 “Ask, and it will be given you. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and it will be opened for you.
8 For everyone who asks receives. He who seeks finds. To him who knocks it will be opened.
9 Or who is there among you, who, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone?
10 Or if he asks for a fish, who will give him a serpent?
11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!
12 Therefore whatever you desire for men to do to you, you shall also do to them; for this is the law and the prophets.
13 “Enter in by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter in by it.
14 How narrow is the gate, and restricted is the way that leads to life! Few are those who find it.
15 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravening wolves.
16 By their fruits you will know them. Do you gather grapes from thorns, or figs from thistles?
17 Even so, every good tree produces good fruit; but the corrupt tree produces evil fruit.
18 A good tree can’t produce evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree produce good fruit.
19 Every tree that doesn’t grow good fruit is cut down, and thrown into the fire.
20 Therefore by their fruits you will know them.
21 Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter into the Kingdom of Heaven; but he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.
22 Many will tell me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, didn’t we prophesy in your name, in your name cast out demons, and in your name do many mighty works?’
23 Then I will tell them, ‘I never knew you. Depart from me, you who work iniquity.’
24 “Everyone therefore who hears these words of mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man, who built his house on a rock.
25 The rain came down, the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat on that house; and it didn’t fall, for it was founded on the rock.
26 Everyone who hears these words of mine, and doesn’t do them will be like a foolish man, who built his house on the sand.
27 The rain came down, the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat on that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.”
28 When Jesus had finished saying these things, the multitudes were astonished at his teaching,
29 for he taught them with authority, and not like the scribes.
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Psalm 139 (unspecified)
Lord, search me, know my heart, see if there is any hurtful way in me, lead me in the way everlasting
1 Yahweh, you have searched me, and you know me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up. You perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue, but, behold, Yahweh, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in behind and before. You laid your hand on me.
6 This knowledge is beyond me. It’s lofty. I can’t attain it.
7 Where could I go from your Spirit? Or where could I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend up into heaven, you are there. If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the dawn, and settle in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10 Even there your hand will lead me, and your right hand will hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me; the light around me will be night”;
12 even the darkness doesn’t hide from you, but the night shines as the day. The darkness is like light to you.
13 For you formed my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. My soul knows that very well.
15 My frame wasn’t hidden from you, when I was made in secret, woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my body. In your book they were all written, the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is their sum!
18 If I would count them, they are more in number than the sand. When I wake up, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would kill the wicked. Get away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 For they speak against you wickedly. Your enemies take your name in vain.
21 Yahweh, don’t I hate those who hate you? Am I not grieved with those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred. They have become my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart. Try me, and know my thoughts.
24 See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.
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Matthew 11:28 (unspecified)
come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and you will find rest
28 “Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest.
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Galatians 6:9 (unspecified)
do not grow weary in doing good, for in due time you will reap if you surely sow
9 Let us not be weary in doing good, for we will reap in due season, if we don’t give up.
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Proverbs 22:6 (unspecified)
train up a child in the way he should go and when they are old they will not depart from it
6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
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Jeremiah 17:5 (unspecified)
cursed is the man who puts his trust in man, he will be like a bush in the desert
5 Yahweh says: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man, relies on strength of flesh, and whose heart departs from Yahweh.
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Proverbs 18 (unspecified)
if you rescue an angry man once you will just have to rescue him again
1 An unfriendly man pursues selfishness, and defies all sound judgment.
2 A fool has no delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own opinion.
3 When wickedness comes, contempt also comes, and with shame comes disgrace.
4 The words of a man’s mouth are like deep waters. The fountain of wisdom is like a flowing brook.
5 To be partial to the faces of the wicked is not good, nor to deprive the innocent of justice.
6 A fool’s lips come into strife, and his mouth invites beatings.
7 A fool’s mouth is his destruction, and his lips are a snare to his soul.
8 The words of a gossip are like dainty morsels: they go down into a person’s innermost parts.
9 One who is slack in his work is brother to him who is a master of destruction.
10 Yahweh’s name is a strong tower: the righteous run to him, and are safe.
11 The rich man’s wealth is his strong city, like an unscalable wall in his own imagination.
12 Before destruction the heart of man is proud, but before honor is humility.
13 He who gives answer before he hears, that is folly and shame to him.
14 A man’s spirit will sustain him in sickness, but a crushed spirit, who can bear?
15 The heart of the discerning gets knowledge. The ear of the wise seeks knowledge.
16 A man’s gift makes room for him, and brings him before great men.
17 He who pleads his cause first seems right; until another comes and questions him.
18 The lot settles disputes, and keeps strong ones apart.
19 A brother offended is more difficult than a fortified city; and disputes are like the bars of a fortress.
20 A man’s stomach is filled with the fruit of his mouth. With the harvest of his lips he is satisfied.
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue; those who love it will eat its fruit.
22 Whoever finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor of Yahweh.
23 The poor plead for mercy, but the rich answer harshly.
24 A man of many companions may be ruined, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
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1 Corinthians 13 (unspecified)
for now I see in a mirror dimly, referenced when expressing uncertainty about why God allows suffering
1 If I speak with the languages of men and of angels, but don’t have love, I have become sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal.
2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but don’t have love, I am nothing.
3 If I give away all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body to be burned, but don’t have love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love is patient and is kind; love doesn’t envy. Love doesn’t brag, is not proud,
5 doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil;
6 doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will be done away with. Where there are various languages, they will cease. Where there is knowledge, it will be done away with.
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part;
10 but when that which is complete has come, then that which is partial will be done away with.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have put away childish things.
12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, even as I was also fully known.
13 But now faith, hope, and love remain—these three. The greatest of these is love.
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Recap
The message in order, in a few minutes of reading.
This was a parenting seminar session, not a traditional sermon. The preacher spoke candidly about how to stay connected to teenagers without losing the convictions you hold, drawing on decades of working with struggling kids at a residential program in Texas.
What was said
The session opened with a frank admission that staying true to what you believe while engaging a culture that keeps shifting is genuinely hard. The preacher was honest that his own views have changed on some things over the years, not on the core convictions, but on how he approaches people who are in places he would not choose for them. He used medical marijuana, same-sex relationships, and teen drug use as examples, not to endorse any of them, but to show that understanding why someone does what they do changes how you respond to them. Behavior, he kept saying, is symptomatic. It points to something underneath.
From there, the preacher argued that most parents make the mistake of treating teenagers the way they parented younger children: with correction, control, and information. He said teenagers do not change because of authority. They change because of relationship. A parent who is always correcting, always teaching, always fixing comes across as judgmental even when the content is right, and judgment builds walls. He suggested parents literally ask their kids, by text if needed, whether they feel judged or whether they think their parents want them to be perfect.
A significant thread through the middle of the session was the value of imperfection. The preacher said teenagers are not drawn to parents who project a polished, put-together life. They are drawn to honesty about failure. When a parent shares their own mess, it gives a teenager permission to bring their own mess home rather than carrying it somewhere else. He put it plainly: people find rest in relationships, not in the conditions of a home.
He described a three-circle model he uses. One circle covers the relationship itself, one covers the structure of the home and its rules, and one covers the specific issues a child is dealing with. His point was that parents tend to pour everything into rules and consequences while neglecting the relationship circle, which is the only one that gives you access to the other two. If there is a discipline problem, he repeated more than once, there is a relationship problem underneath it.
The session then moved to the question of control. He read from a family creed a parent had shared with him, a dense list of rules and expectations handed to a fifteen-year-old who was smoking pot. Nothing on the list was wrong, he said, but it communicated one thing: we are going to control you. He quoted several teenagers who said the tighter the grip, the harder they pushed back, some in ways that were genuinely dangerous. His argument was that parents need to deliberately release control across the teenage years so that by the time a young person leaves home they have already been making real decisions, and failing at some of them, while the parent was still close enough to speak into it.
He closed the main content by talking about forgiveness and grace. He defined forgiveness as giving up hope that you will ever have a better past, and said grace means moving toward someone when every instinct says walk away. He was direct that he finds this hard himself, naming a situation where he has not yet been able to do it. His point was not that it is easy but that it is what God does toward us, and that it is what keeps the door open with a child who has gone somewhere you never wanted them to go. The family, he said, should be a permanent harbor in a constant storm, a place where a kid knows they are loved regardless of the choices they have made.
Doing a Bible study?
Here is a guide we have prepared for you: the passages in order, questions for the group, and room to write.
- The preacher talked about his view on certain issues shifting as he gets older and spends more time with people going through hard things. What is something you once held firmly that has changed, and what changed it?
- The preacher described being with a mother who was praying for a miracle for her dying son, and said he found himself honestly doubting God would intervene in that situation. How do you hold together trust in God's power with the reality that He sometimes does not heal?
and 3 more questions in the guide
Read the full transcript 24,294 words
Okay. How do I take what I know to be true and apply it to a world that is shifting and changing? And what are some of the things that what are the some of the things that I can fudge on a little bit or change or, or adapt and still get across what needs to be gotten across, you know, with with realizing what's important and what's not. What hell am I gonna die on? What things are important?
And, you know, and I found that there's some things that aren't important as I get older. And the things that I've held to that had been so important, I'm not so sure that they always are. I mean, my dad used to think that hair was an important thing. And that's probably why I grew it out. I had longer hair than anybody in this room and a beard that was just huge and it was just to kinda just look at him and go, you know, kinda thing.
And it ruined our it ruined our relationship for a while. But what it... I mean, you kinda go, was it really important? And so, were there things when we grew up that our parents thought were important that we found out now they really weren't important? So, if that's true, what is it today that we think is important that ten years from now, twenty years from now, really won't be important?
Do you all ever spend time thinking about that? Because when I look at that, I go, then I wanna make sure I'm focusing on something that's gonna last, not something that's just non important and it's gonna shift and it's gonna be different. So there's always that challenge. And when I said something about somebody's trying to get in with something, a gun. And when I made the comment about Hillary Clinton yesterday, about her evolving statement, I think we do evolve in a culture and we shift with the culture so we don't disengage from those people that we're called to be involved with.
But the challenge is always, how do I take what I know to be true and apply it to that world? Girls in same sex relationships, the marijuana thing. Has your view changed on marijuana a little bit? It has for me. And here's the thing, and it changes the way that I approach it.
And it was interesting when the lady gave me the newspaper last night that none of you read, in there it says, for legalization of marijuana or medical marijuana. Okay, I've got enough friends that are going through chemotherapy that I've got a dear friend who's an anesthesiologist who is for medical marijuana. Medical marijuana is a little bit different than it doesn't have all the THC in it. It just has the benefits that are there. All those studies are being done in Jerusalem and it's amazing what's happening, what they're finding with that.
But yet, people lop it with recreational use, get a buzz all the time. It's two different birds. I mean, it's just two different things. And so I look at it differently, and I think I look at it differently for a couple of reasons. One of those reasons, because I have so many friends that are dying and are going through something, and I go, let them do anything.
I don't care if it's gonna make them more comfortable. Mean, and so that's the way. If it can do something with Parkinson's, if it could help my wife with the nerve damage that she's had done in her leg and how, you know, all that stuff, I go, I would be all for it. You know, because we're not talking about everybody getting a buzz. We're talking about something medically that can benefit.
And it is a lot safer than most of the meds that we take. That's why it's prescription. That's why it's triplicate form. That's why it's all this other stuff. I'm not here to promote that.
But I notice I'm shifting in some of my thoughts on that. I'm not shifting on my thoughts on homosexuality, even marriage. I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. But it's interesting how I look at things differently now. I spend a lot of time with girls in same sex relationships.
And I don't spend time with them in that relationship, but helping them in those... Did I clarify myself okay on that? That didn't sound too good, did it? And so I look at it and it's a little bit different because I'm trying to figure out how do I take what I know to be true and bring it into a world that's shifting. And so what used to be eliminating, now I want to embrace in some way to offer something that they're not going get anywhere else.
You follow me? I think kids are very anxious. I think that forty eight percent of kids, according to the American Journal of Psychiatry, forty eight percent of adolescents can be diagnosed under the DSM-five. A diagnostic manual where they actually diagnose a child. But what we're finding is anxiety levels and depression levels are just skyrocketing.
I think it's a response to the culture that has shifted. And most of us, we go through depression or we go get anxious, there's something about spending time with people and engaging and doing things that help. Well, in the absence of relationships, when you go through those tough times, I think it's a response to the culture that we're living in. It's creating more stress with our kids. So when a kid's smoking pot, I go, I get it.
Because remember, I think I said this last night, if not, it bears repeating, or if I did, it bears repeating, that what you see is not the issue. The behavior that you see in a child is symptomatic of something else that's going on in a child's life. And so if a child's smoking pot, I'm always going... I used to, I smoked enough pot when I was at Oklahoma State University for a year to make up for everybody in this room, it seems like. I didn't go to class, I was always doing something else.
But it was just fun. That was it. There wasn't anything else to it. But I think kids today, it's a little bit different. When you start looking at them saying, I'm doing it for fun, it's not as much fun.
I'm doing it to belong. I'm doing it to find rest and peace in my life. I'm doing it to be normal. All these different things, there's a whole line of issues. And so I'm always going, they're dealing with their own depression.
They're self medicating. It looks a little bit different than it used to. And so the way that I treat somebody doing that is far different than I used to treat them as well. You following me? It's a it it it's a...
I think it's a it's a fine line that that I think every one of us wrestle with that. That how do I how do I how do I get close enough to the edge to offer? I feel like I'm the catcher in the rye, basically. You know, that's... How do I how do I walk on the edge that I can be something to people that are going to fall off if if if if I'm not there?
And when I say I, I'm talking about all of us. But still remain relevant to offer them something that they can embrace, that I'm not eliminating them because of my stance on certain things. You follow me? Because I think we've all been lost. People just get lost in different ways and in different places.
And so if they're lost, like we talked about yesterday, then I want to be there. I want to be involved in their life. And I'm not an evangelist. I'm not one of those guys, oh, I gotta go lead them to the Lord and kind of the new aesthetic kind of counseling that brings them away. If you just get your life right with the Lord, then everything's fine.
I go, I know plenty of people that have their life right with the Lord, and everything's a mess. And so so I think it's more about helping people understand God's plan in this thing and and trying to embrace it. And I I don't know the answers to all of that either. You know, a lady asked me the other day whose grandson, this lady used to be on our board, she helped us start Heartlight, her and her husband. Her husband has Alzheimer's, can't even remember anything.
The little girl lived with us when she was pregnant, gave the baby up for adoption, and now she's 40 some years old, 44, 45 years old. Her 16 year old son just died last week of cancer, had cancer of the knee. It's one of those crazy, crazy cancers that just went and nailed everything. ESPN did a little deal on him this morning. You can find it on Facebook, I'm sure, or look around.
But they did a story on him because he connected with a coach named Les Miles down at Louisiana State. And the mother asked me a question two weeks ago. She said, well, we're praying for a miracle, we're praying for a miracle, we're praying for a miracle. Mark, do you think that God heals? And I knew this kid was gonna die.
And you've seen it a million times, haven't you? That pray, pray, pray. And sometimes I think what we're doing is adjusting ourselves. And it doesn't take away from God's ability to heal. I think if if God wanted me to stand on my head and spit nickels, you know, he could he he could, you know, flick his fingers.
I'd do that in a heartbeat. You know? I mean, I think he can do anything. But it's interesting because I know that he can do that, and I'm faced with situations that I know where it's headed. And I've got three friends that are dying right now.
And one just died, and gonna be the next two over the next few months. And you kinda go, he could. He could. He could snap his fingers, but will he? And I kinda go, yeah, I don't think he is in this situation, Citi.
I just don't think he's gonna do it. Like, if I if if I share more or if I would pray more, then he would. I go, really? And that was the whole thing. I...
We've got another girl who's dying that that they... On Thursday night, called. They had prayed hundreds of thousand people. Like, if more people prayed... If you just get more people praying, then God will hear it more.
And I said, stop and listen to that for a minute. Is is that how a father does it? That if you just do more? And I don't think people think about that in their twenties as much as when you get a little bit older and you see it a lot more that you start going, okay. I'm trying to take what I know to be true and apply it to a situation that I'm kinda dumbfounded in sometimes.
So there's things in scripture, there's things that I go, I don't know. I just don't know. This is, for now, I see in a mirror dimly. And I think one day, you know, I'm gonna stand before God and I'm gonna go, hey, tell me about this situation. What in the world were you trying to do there?
Why did you allow this to happen? What was this about? What was this about? You know, and I'm sure that I'll see it one day, but I don't see it now. So in the time that I'm not seeing things and offering something to people around me, I think I have to be careful about how I engage.
Because I think all of scripture is is not for the gathering of knowledge. I don't think it's for the gathering of how everything ought to operate. I don't think that all of scripture is is is so that I could... I get a bigger mansion when I get to the end of my life or that I'm known well. I think I think scripture is to teach us how to love like God loves and how to love people.
I I mean, when you boil it all down, for me, that's what it is. I was with a guy named Don Henley. He wrote a song years ago called Hotel Wyoming. The lady that raised him was a lady by the name of Earlene LaFoy. She lives in Hallsville, Texas, or lived there, and it was her funeral.
And I'd known her for ten years or so, but she was his nanny growing up and lived in home and babysat him and all that while he grew up. And so he came to the when he came to the funeral, he sat up front. And so I walked in, it was a small church, I walked up front just sat next to him and go, hey Mark, I'm gone, cool. And so sat there and just talked. I knew who he was, he didn't know who I was.
And at the end of it, we walk up and we see Erlene in the casket and that's, well, great. You know, I mean, I... Don't know what to say quite honestly. You come back and sit down and and I said, hey, what do you think about all this church stuff? Because I knew where he was on a lot of things.
He's from East Texas. He said, you know what? He said, Mark, there'd be a lot more love in this world if it wasn't for Christians. And that started me thinking, why in the world are we known as that? You know, and and I and I tell kids all the time.
And kids know this about me. I don't tolerate anything. Just one of those guys that don't tolerate anything. But that's not what I want to be known for. What I want to be known for is how I love people.
And so there's a difference between the two. I still don't tolerate anything, but I want to love well. And so if I'm loving well, because as I said, if you have a discipline problem, you have a relationship problem. There's something that's broken down in that. So what I wanna do is make sure that I'm loving well, and I'm I'm known more for that than anything else.
George Barna of the Barna Group did a study and said that 95% of unchurched people in this country look at the church, and you know what they say about the church? 95%, the number one word that's used, it's homophobic. Really? Is that what we wanna be known as? Not me.
Not me at all. And so I look at it. I wanna be known how I love people. Now do I... Can I still love people that are sinning?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can love you guys. You can love me.
We're all a mess. You know, we're all in a mess in need of a savior. And I and I go... And and the minute I think that I'm not that anymore is when I become judgmental because I lose sight that I've I've been lost. So even when you look at your kids, they'll be lost one day Because everybody gets lost, if they're not already.
And if you don't change the way you engage with them, the judgment will push them away even more. Following me? I think it's important to realize, because there's a part of it where it all comes down to attitude. When we start talking about how are we to our kids, if we're to parent our kids as God parents us, then we're to be that living reflection of his presence in our life that offers something. And I, for one, really believe that it has more to do with my actions, as we said last night, when you move up into the training years, ages 13 through 19, that it's more about who I am and how I'm perceived and the way they see me engaged than it is about what I do.
Do you notice that as you get older and people say, what do you do? I go, that really doesn't matter. That really doesn't matter at all. I mean, works. Everybody does something.
It has everything to do with who I am. And so it shifts a little bit, and I think that's what our kids are looking for. When we talked last night about the perfection thing, and I would encourage you to do this, because I wanna make sure we point this out and do it well. The perfection thing is impossible. It can't happen.
But do this. Text your kids right now and just pull out your phone and just text them, do you think we want you to be perfect? And see what they say. It'll add some discussion whenever you see them later on. Do you think we want you to be perfect?
If you're older like me, you may wanna say, do you think that we wanted you to be perfect? And it's that imagery that comes across because it's not perfection that engages people, like I said last night. Focus on the Family came to me a few years ago and they said, we'd like for you to be our speaker for a Canadian tour. I went, why? I mean, why me?
And they said, well, we read one of your books. And I said, well, which one was it? When your teen is struggling. And I go, you guys, I'm not I'm not your guy. And why not?
And I said, I'm just not perfect like you guys. You guys wear khaki pants. I mean, it's you guys wear... And I... Anybody wearing khaki pants, my apologies.
You know? And I said, you guys wear khaki pants and the shirts that are just different. Nobody has boots. Nobody has this or that. Yeah.
I I go, and all your pictures of everybody, they're just perfect people, you know, with perfect little families and perfect kids. And I said, you don't have any pictures of teens in anything because none of them would embrace what you're doing. I mean, but all little kids think that it's great, but teens know. I I I said, I'm a mess. If if I have a day that I don't spend more than five minutes thinking about myself, it's a good day for me.
I have a I have a marriage. I don't have a great marriage. I've got a good marriage, and we've been married forty years. I'm not... I'm kind of a mess.
She's a mess. Our kids are a mess. Everybody around me is a mess. The parents I deal with are a mess. The kids I deal with are a mess.
I'm just not your guide. He said, that's why we need you. And it's that old equation that says if you just do these things, that it'll turn out just like this. Well, how many of you all have done that? Yeah.
And did it turn out that way? No, it didn't turn out that way. It's always a little bit different. It deceives us for a while. It makes us feel like we're great parents and we're doing something well.
And we are during those early years. But the shift has got to start happening. So my comment last night, I began to share things with kids about imperfections. It's not keeping them the mode of of always sharing something perfect. They wanna hear the imperfection.
I call it the princess brawl, you know, when kids go to the middle school. And the princess brawl is when everybody's wearing their little tiaras and and, they go off to middle school and and they think, oh, this is so good. And they've got their new outfits on for the first time going to school, especially the girls. And and it's just so pretty and so nice. And those kids come back home and they go, the world's not perfect anymore.
Everything's changed. This is a mess. I've got zits. I'm awkward. I'm starting my period.
Guys are feeling lanky and they've got four hairs under their arms and they begin to stink and all that other... You know, and and it's just life isn't what I thought it was. And so mom and dad who've been who've been looked up to as being perfect, you know. Now the kids don't like being with them because they're perfect, because they're being told they're imperfect. One of the greatest shifts that can happen is for a parent to start sharing things with their child to show their imperfection.
Are y'all... Were there things that happened to you in high school that your parents didn't know about? Maybe there's things that your child's going through that you don't know about. Maybe there's something going on that they're longing to hear imperfection so they feel comfortable sharing those things to engage. Now that doesn't mean it doesn't mean when your child comes to you and asks questions about stuff that you're...
You give all the details about it. Yeah. It was a hot August night in the back of a '68 Chevy. Yeah. Yeah.
It's it's not that. But you're really longing for the time that your child will come to you and ask the questions. Aren't you? It's what you've been practicing for all your life. This is what I long for.
I long for a child to come and say, hey, dad. You ever smoked pot when you were in college? Let's talk about that. You're waiting for that time because what's happening is everything your child believes is coming to the point that they're going, okay, how do I figure this out? I'm trying to figure out what's going on.
Now if they're 12, it may be... You know what? I'll answer that question when you turn 15. But if they're 15, I'll go, you know, I did. And that's why I'm against it so much now.
But I want you to know that this blah blah blah blah. Hey, mom, mom, mom, mom, did you have sex before you got married? Oh, no. Don't you just kinda... Don't anybody nod their head and say yes.
Okay? Just because I gotta make sure I look at everybody when I say that because somebody will go, who told him? You know? And and... But it's a question that that...
It's a question you're... What you're waiting for. This is what you've been practicing for all your life. You want your child. You wanna create the atmosphere that they can come to you and ask you anything.
You know, just as just as scripture would say that that that if you want wisdom, pray, and God will give you wisdom. You're looking for the opportunity. If I'm to be to my kids who God is to me, that whenever they go through something, because of who I am, they can come to me and ask that question. And if they're 16, 15, 16, well, let me tell you something. Because what they're asking about is the issue of, okay, how do I deal with this?
How do I take what I know to be true? Is it okay if I messed up? Because that message that I told you last night, there's nothing you can do to make me love you more. There's nothing you can do to make me love you less. It's when your child comes and says, I think I'm gay.
When your child comes, go, I had sex for the first time last night. When your child comes home drunk. You think your child will drink during high school? The answer is yes to that. Now I've always wanted to write a book called...
I always get the title kind of mixed up. But it's... The word just slipped my mind, Sam. Moderation. Moderation.
No. I'll come up with it here in a minute. It is, it's moderation. It's something in moderation. Discernment and moderation in a permissive culture.
I think it'd be a hard book to write. But in a permissive culture that allows things, I wanna be on the edge that is teaching my child something so that I can be there to speak truth into their life as they're going through it, not waiting. And my comment's always been, you can raise your kids to live in a zoo where you can prepare them to survive in the jungle. And I believe in teaching discernment. I believe in the latter.
I believe in helping them as they prepare for that time. I I I don't wanna ignore it, and I don't wanna isolate my kids from that interaction either because it prepares them for that next step of life. And my point is this, is that perfection is impossible. You're not gonna get there. They know it.
So as you start to share things about your life, you engage with them differently. You follow me? Let me get through these things because I think it's important. I think this is still on and that's why we're getting a little bit of feedback. Can I give this back to you?
Not feedback, but a little bit of... Makes me sound like I have a nasal tone. Perfect parents, perfect kids, and a perfect home don't exist. Every child encounters imperfection. Let me back up.
Teaching your kids to live in a zoo or training them to survive in the jungle becomes key. The second thing is the authority can't be forced. This isn't the world that says, because I said so, does it anymore? And I was telling you yesterday that it's the reason that respect has got to be earned. It's not given readily.
It it is... Respect is given down here easily. My dad expected us to respect him the way he treated us earlier. He used to beat the fat out of us. He used to...
You know, I mean, Do y'all remember that? Taking the belt off. My mom always... Do y'all remember that? Well, in the South, that always happened all the time.
My my... It was funny because my mom used to say... She's been dead for a few years and and she used to say, you know, your dad never disciplined you boys that much at all. And I go, mom, what have you been smoking? You know what I mean?
You've got to be kidding me. And then it was when I started writing books, she said, I want you to know, I never had anything to do with the way your dad disciplined you guys. You know, and and and and because he did it he did it old school. That's what you did. So we respected him.
We honored him. We listened. But when we got into these adolescent years, but we hate you, but I still respected him. And so would you rather have respect and hate or win respect and have a child that loves you for it? Well, it just shifts.
It's a little bit different. It works down on this side. It doesn't on this side when we're talking about this 13 to 19 age. And the other thing, teens change because of relationship. They don't change because of authority.
They don't. And so, I mean, work all you want. I mean, I've got 60 kids that live with us. If I went in, I can exert my authority because it's God given. I mean, God has placed us in a position of parenting and they ought to do it.
It's not gonna work. Because they don't respond that way, because they don't look at parents that way. They just look completely different at those people that are in authority. And the last thing is the judgment builds walls. You think it's training, they hear judgment.
And it's important to understand this. That's why I'm kinda going over it again. When I come across to a child and say, well, you know, scripture says this, it immediately becomes judgmental. And so I don't always wanna use the words, what scripture says. Remember in first Corinthians two it says, isn't that what y'all are studying this week?
You know, because to to a group of kids sometimes, wherever that is, it it... They feel like, well, now God's against me. And so I kinda build it in. There's a radio station in Houston that won't carry our program because we don't identify scripture every time we quote it. And I'm going, are you serious?
And the guy's a nice guy. I can't remember his name. Bruce Munsterman. And he's a nice, nicest guy in the world. And I said, so Bruce, what you're telling me is if I don't quote where scripture's from, that it's not really scripture?
He says, well, I don't believe that, but people on our board do. I go, that's ridiculous. But there's... Because there's a tendency... If I quoted every scripture that I have in books, most men would put it down.
And they'd go, oh, now you're trying to beat me up. I mean, women get into it a little bit more. I mean, don't know why. Maybe they like more words or something, but I'm joking. But men just don't read it that way.
I mean, it's just they they look at things a little bit differently. And so what happens is it comes across as judgmental. Now I wanna convey the same things that you do when I'm talking to kids. I just approach it differently because I know if kids always hear it as being judgmental, then I wanna move the other way and come in the back door. So I I think we do well raising our kids and teaching them.
I mean, there's now 25,000 youth ministries in this country that offer kids things. I mean, there... There's from young life to campus life, to his life, to whose life, to what's life, to I wanna, I don't wanna. You know, there's... I mean, there's all these different ministries that are everywhere.
There's books written. You know, I mean, we treat kids like they're little demigods and and training them up. And so what they don't want when they get up in the in the adolescent years is more teaching. They want more, how do I apply this stuff? That's why every high school in this country would do well.
Taking an hour and having small groups and have seniors lead it. Teaching those seniors how to lead just a small group of allowing kids to connect. But I mean, sometimes I I think I think we think we're training our kids, but we're really coming across as being judgmental. I know that the homosexual issue, which is hot right now, the marijuana issue, which is hot, those things, the transgender thing is pretty hot right now, that that I gotta make sure that I'm not coming across as being judgmental. So I will make comments, hey, don't wanna be judgmental.
I don't wanna be judgmental. I don't want... I I don't want you to be perfect. Please hear me. I don't want you to be perfect.
I don't... Text your kids. Ask them the question. Do you think we're judgmental parents? See what they say.
They go, what? One, they might be shocked that you're asking them a question like that because usually it's, well, what are you doing today? What did that... Blah blah blah. But when you stop sharing your opinion, like scripture would say, you know, this...
The fool delights in airing his opinion. Fool also appears wise when he keeps his mouth shut. But if you start asking questions of a child and have them move towards you, then you're valuing them in some way, but you're teaching them how to ask questions. With the idea of this, that you want them to come back to you and ask you questions. Are you ready to are you ready to to to answer some of those things when your kids ask questions?
Well, I'll tell you this. Remember I told you yesterday that this is where you give all the answers? And this up here, this 13 to 19 is where you give all the questions? Even when kids ask me questions, I don't give them the answers. I give them another question.
It's... I mean, it's... I just always give them another question. Sweetheart, why do you do the things you do? I don't know.
I've always done these things. Why have you done these things this way? I don't know. I started when I was in like third or fourth grade. Well, what happened in third or fourth grade?
Well, some people made some comments. Why did people make some comments? Why I just was kinda awkward? Why were you so awkward? I don't know.
I just didn't fit in. Why didn't you fit in? Well, things were happening at home. What was happening at home? Oh, just everybody was ignoring stuff.
What do mean they were ignoring stuff? Well, nobody knew that my granddad was doing something to me. Your granddad was doing something to you. Nobody did. Why didn't anybody do anything?
Well, they were afraid the family was gonna fall apart. Why were they afraid of family? Well, it's always been kind of a mess. Why has this always been a mess? Well, I don't know.
We just kind of grew up that way. Why do you grow up that way? I don't know. We've always tolerated. Why do you tolerate that?
Well, I don't know. Nobody really loves each other. Why didn't everybody love each other? I don't know. We've never been loved.
Why have you never been loved? I'm always finding it somewhere else. Why are you finding it somewhere else? See what see what I'm doing? It's called the Socratic method.
Socrates, the method of asking questions. And you let them come to conclusions. Most of my counseling sessions that I have with kids, and I'm not a counselor. My... As I said yesterday, my degree is in in in real estate investments with a with a semester of law school just to make you dangerous, make you feel like you can BS your way out of everything.
And... But most of my counseling sessions are with kids are are this. My responses are, wow. Really? Wow.
Really? No. Really? Kid gets up and leaves, that's the best counseling session I've ever had. There's something about it, something about listening, something about engaging differently, you know, about asking questions.
Stop. When you go eat with your daughter at lunch today, it's sitting there. Don't share one opinion about anything. Hey, what do you think about this? I don't know.
What do you think about this? I have no idea. Let me ask you that. Let me... I'll talk to you about that next week.
Well, you wanna go shopping? No, I really don't. Well, you wanna... I mean, men go eat, women go shopping. You know I mean?
It's just it's just kind of a natural... Because we don't know how to replace it with good conversation that's non informational and more about wisdom. And so what I come up with is questions that I'm gonna ask kids beforehand and say, here's some things that that that we need to talk about. Hey, let me ask you about this. And then we start that question thing.
And they think it's unbelievable. My point is that that sometimes when we... If we don't come across the right way to kids, they begin to feel like we're being judgmental. And judgment has an amazing way of pushing people away. Kids will go, Mark's not judgmental.
Even though I'm churning on the inside. I have my thoughts about things. I just don't share them because I know it's gonna push somebody away. And if it pushes somebody away, then I'll never have the opportunity to draw them into something different. A young lady that says, will you do my wedding if I marry a girl?
No, I won't. Will you come to the wedding? Oh, yeah. I'll be there. And somebody looked at me and said, well, why would you do that?
Because I love the girl, that's why. I'm there. It's her wedding. I love her. Yeah.
But you're condoning it. I have nothing to do with that. I'm moving. It's almost like it's almost like... And it's changing the way that we that we engage.
This really has nothing to do with us. Have you all read Rick Warren's book? What's the name of that book? It's sold like 30 copies or something. Purpose Driven Life.
What's the first sentence in the book? This isn't about you. It's about them. Discipline is helping a child get to where they wanna go and keeping them from where they don't wanna end up. When you enter into...
This is that first through twelve years, you know, one through 12. This is the thirteen through 19. This this is punishment here when you have consequences for things. This is discipline here because this helps get you where you wanna go and it keeps you from ending up where you don't wanna end up. This is about you.
This isn't about me. That's not what I believe anymore. It's not all those things. I am helping them to get them to a good spot Because there's a reason behind the scripture that we've taught them. And that's where it's moving it from information to what?
Wisdom. And that wisdom is saying to them, here's the motive behind the scripture. God doesn't wanna be a policeman and do this. He wants to help you in life and help you in relationships. This is why he set some standards for us.
It's the relational standards. Just about every one of them that you look at in the context of of a struggling teen or in relationships, it's amazing where it goes. And so, I just engage differently. We'll talk about that here in a minute. But my point is that judgment becomes key.
And a break from constant correction is needed. I'll say it later and I'll say it now. Only correct your kids on like Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Quit correcting them all the time. Especially, you guys that have kids that are two, four, six, and eight, and 10.
Because in about eight years, you're gonna be in a mess if you always correct them all the time. Because they're not... I mean, they just feel like, I'm hearing judgment. Every time they come home, this is what you've done wrong, this is how you can do it better, this is what you need to do different next time. And if you keep doing that, your child will find rest somewhere.
Scripture says, come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and you will find correction for your soul. You will find judgment for your soul. You will find constant nagging and battering. You'll find that we'll fix you. It says you'll find rest.
And so that's what my hope is, is that we provide that place of rest. And usually, the rest comes in the relationships that you have, not the conditions of your home. Well, we'll just get a bigger, big screen TV. That's how dads justify. They came out with a 150 incher.
I think we need to get it to help our kids. You know, I mean, it's... Or we'll buy more toys to do more things. I go, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the relationships that you have.
But but a new model would look at it a little bit differently. We'll take a break here in a few minutes. And this is the only place that they have donuts with the centerpiece of Milky Ways and... So I don't know what y'all eat up here, but evidently it's a lot of sugar to stay warm. And so we'll take a break and let y'all get those things.
But I wanna explain this. This is really another book. I can't remember the title of it, but because a group has come up with a title. But it's saying for us to offer hope to kids, which I hope I hope that we're offering hope that a child can feel like, I can get through this. It's dealing with three circles.
And one of those circles is this right here, the relationship circle. Okay, just follow with me on this thing. That there's a relationship circle. This is a this is a piece of a home environment that I need to work on constantly. And because if you have a discipline problem, you have what?
A relationship problem. This is the this is the the structure of the home, how I build it. This is this is how we operate. It's kind of the policy and procedure band. Here's the rules and consequences and all that stuff.
This circle over here is dealing with the issues that come up with my child. Could be medication, could be a psychiatrist, could be counseling, it could be getting a child help, having a meet with a mentor, it can be saying these are the issues, let's talk about the issues. This will help control the issues. If you've got a child smoking pot all the time, then this can control. Then we're going to do drug tests once a week to make sure you're not smoking pot.
And the reason is because we feel like when you're smoking pot all the time, it takes you in a direction that you're losing your motivation, you're lazy, and you just... You don't wanna do anything. And so we're gonna make sure that doesn't happen because I don't think you wanna be a 25 year old lounge lizard that's just sitting at home playing video games. Do you? No, I don't.
Okay. Then I'm gonna help you get out of that. And so, the rule may be here that we set that up. It may be getting a job. You know, do your kids work here?
Kids in kids in tourist cities, I mean, usually work a lot more than non tourist cities. You think? Agrarian places where there's farms and ranches and the kids usually work a lot more there than they do. Yeah. They make the money.
Kids in the city spend it. And so so this is this is where we line out that structure. But it's not ignoring the fact that the reason a child's smoking pot is there's something going on that I've gotta deal with here. I'm gonna control it here, but I gotta deal with the issue here because there's some reason when a child says, I feel normal when I smoke pot. Really?
Why do you feel so normal? No. I feel like I'm always tense. Why do feel like you're always tense? I don't know, just don't get along with people.
Why don't you get along with people? And it's helping them understand that there's an answer. This is this is where I'm controlling their behavior. This is where I'm touching their heart. And so this fits in with this circle over here in the relationship side.
Because hopefully, I can be my child's counselor. Hopefully, I can engage with them different and offer them something during the time that they need it the most. And if your kids are looking at you now going, you, I don't... You know, this and, you know, all the things and what the... You know, the rolling of the eyes where they go, oh, geez, what a dork, you know, and say other things.
If if that's where it is, then we need to deal with the relationship side of it, you know, so that you can touch the heart here, so that you don't have a son that's drinking like a fish and and smoking anything that burns when he gets married. Because now, because you haven't dealt with it, you've transferred it. This is what generational sin is. You've transferred it to the next generation. You following me?
So the role that we play begins here with the relationship. And this relationship, it really says that this is about how I engage with somebody else. And you ask yourself that question. How do I engage with my kids? What do my kids think of me?
Text them. What do you think of me? If you had to describe me in five words, what would it be? Have you all ever done that? Had those kind of questions?
You know, maybe asking your parents that if they're still living. My dad would go, what? What? He doesn't care. And...
But I'm I'm going... Asking somebody, how would you view me? You know, if there would be five things you can change about me, what would those five things be? Is that scary? You you can text your kids and ask them because they say things in text they wouldn't say face to face.
Would you agree? You know, if if you can use cuss words to describe your feelings, what would those three words be? You think that would open the door? And I don't do that to a nine or 10 year old. You know, they go, yeah.
Yeah. I mean, it... But I mean, it's... Have you ever thought about that? How they would describe it if you gave them license?
Or are you more concerned that they're not supposed to cuss? And then you never really get to hear the intensity of their feelings. Is that scary for some? I want kids to talk to me. I don't care what language they speak.
I really don't care. That will pass. If somebody's in pain, they will express it through words they don't usually use at other times. Go into emergency room and just listen to the words that are said when a doctor's fixing somebody. Working on...
Sam's... One of Sam's buddies, a what a fraternity brother? Fraternity brother is an emergency room doc here in town. Is that correct? Have you hooked up with him?
I mean, not hook up. That doesn't sound good. Are you seeing him while we're here? Oh, okay. But I'm sure he doesn't sit there when people are in pain and they're cussing their head off.
Going, I'm not working on you till you'll stop cussing. You know, their legs cut off or something. Quit cussing and I'll help. You know, I mean, you don't do that. It's...
It really is a matter of of, I don't I don't care. It doesn't matter. You're in pain. I expect that. And so when you start to ask your kids questions, I ask those deep questions just to get them to respond so they'll know that it's okay to talk with me.
Because once they get it out, then it's a matter we can engage differently. Okay. But when I'm in this circle right here, this is the important thing. I've gotta be asking questions about myself and not always putting it on them. If you don't have a good relationship with your child, then you have to say, before I look at the speck in somebody else's eye, I'm gonna look at what?
The log in my own eye. And this is where it's it's... In one sense, it's not about you, but there are some things that are about you. Because I'm the parent. Any kid that comes on my property that that is is there living with us, if we're not engaging with them when we have a relationship, that's my problem.
It's not theirs. If we have a kid that's not learning in a classroom setting, that's not their problem. That's my problem as a teacher. You following me? Because I'll take responsibility for that.
I've got to engage them. What are we not doing that can engage this child differently to help them to get to a better place? So when I'm standing in this circle, I wanna know what is it about me that's keeping a child from engaging with me. What is it? What is it?
This is where you pray that prayer. Lord, search me, know my heart, and see if there's any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting so that it changes. What is it about me? Okay. I'm obsessive compulsive.
I like to have things neat. Can you straighten that thing up right there? No. Not really. And...
But I'm just kinda one of those guys that love to have things in order. I don't know... I know there's there's some of you that have been afflicted the same way as me, That you just wanna have them in order. I mean, I'm always thinking of, okay. You come to Heartlight and you look at it.
It's a beautiful property, but it's beautiful because I drive on the property go, that light bulb's out. We need to weed eat that stuff. That needs to be cleaned. There's dust out there. You know?
Oh, I mean, I am just... I'm just one of those guys. The the flowers need to be watered. This needs... I just see things that other people don't see.
How many of y'all are like that with me? Okay. You are. And you will drive people nuts. You'll be great doctors.
You'll be a great architect because you'll see everything. And then you come home and you try to do the same thing, and you will ruin every relationship in your life. The things that are great for you in the business world, you know, are the way that you engage in your profession will be the greatest detriment when you come home. If you're a doc and you're looking for problems and trying to solve problems all day, and you come home and all you do is look for problems, you know, then your family's gonna be a mess. Because you can find plenty of problems.
If I spent all my time looking for problems and correcting all the kids that live with us, I'd had no time for a relationship. So there's some things I've just gotta let go. I live with groups of kids that are just a mess. They're great kids. They're just like your kids.
They're just like my kids. But it's... But they're a mess. And and so in that, I've gotta overlook some stuff and let it go. But that's hard for somebody who's obsessive compulsive.
And so I realize I'm that way. I... Because I've been told that by a number of people. You just can't quit, can you? I mean, goes along perfectly if you're ADD.
Because you... There's always something for you to be correcting or doing something. The reason I ride at 04:30 in the morning is because when the sun comes up, I see things. And I start going, wait a minute, that horse, it's limping. Somebody take care of that horse.
And so I'm texting people at six in the morning. You know, you need to do this. We need to do this. There's something down here. I will see things.
The lights are out. Something's wrong. Change that photo cell. This is this is... That clock's off by three minutes.
You know, the the... It doesn't fit. Open it up. You got two light bulbs that are out. You got one here.
Did y'all notice that when you came in? You got one there. I've already... See, I already noticed those things. You know?
And if I keep pushing you, I will push you away from me because you'll go, God, this guy is an idiot. He just won't leave well enough alone. Yes, it needs to be corrected, but can't we have a mess somewhere, you know, because I am a mess? So I realize that, identify it, and I let people know that, and we joke about it. But it's because I've admitted it, because it's a relational thing.
I can destroy relationships with that. And I say that, is it any worse than anger? Sometimes your anger can be the thing that is ruining a relationship with a child. It may be your constant nagging. It may be your desire to always fix something, that you can't sit still.
I mean, if I had my afternoon here, I I would I would find the ladder and I would change these... I took the showerhead apart at the cowboy village where we're staying and fixed it this morning. I mean, I'm sitting there trying to grab that thing and and turn it because it had wood shavings stuck in the dome. I go, well, I can fix a showerhead. I had...
So I fixed it for him. You know, and I'm going... I I just... I mean, it's just my nature. But it'll...
People love having me come stay at their place because I'll fix everything that's wrong. You know? But it's it's one of those things. I I realize what it is. So what is it about you that pushes people away?
Have you thought about that? Every one of you have something. Don't you? What is it about you that keeps people from moving towards you? It may be a critical spirit.
It may be the constant nagging. It may be a judgmental spirit. It may be those things. But what I do here is that I ask, what is it about me that you don't like? We've a young lady who lives with us.
She... I I was with her in, excuse me, in Los Angeles trying to tell her, sweetheart, if you don't change your ways, you're gonna end up coming and living with us in Texas. So stop. You have to stop doing this. And she wouldn't even listen to me.
I took, I picked her up, she's 14. I picked her up at her parents' home. I know her parents. And I've really known her for a couple of years. And I said, you've gotta stop.
It's, I mean, something. She wouldn't listen to me. And when she got out of the car, dropped the f bomb on me and just walked off. And I said, okay. So now she's at heartlight.
Her parents ended up sending her to heartlight. She won't talk to me for three months. And and she looked at me at first. She goes, I hate you. Why do you hate me?
It's because you caused me to come here. I swear, no, I didn't cause you to come here. You know, she went on. I said, mom, I'm not playing the game. But when you wanna talk, I'd love to.
Okay. Monday night. Were you there Monday night? They they had submarine sandwiches. And so we...
They were playing something in one of the fields, and and it was getting dark. And and they had sub sandwiches from Subway. And and we'd just been connecting a little bit with this girl, Megan. And so I picked up a sandwich and hit her with it, about from me to you. And and then I picked up another one and another one and another one.
I probably threw 15 sandwiches. Nailed her each time. And I thought, okay, I'm leaving because she's gonna... It's gonna be payback. And she is running after my car now with sandwiches in her hand.
And so I get in my car, lock the door, close it, and she is smearing salami and beef and everything all over my windows. And I'm just sitting there going, bingo. Finally, I got her to respond to me. Sometimes it just takes time. Sometimes it's a perception that isn't true.
But part of it is the way she's treating me, I wanna move away from her. Grace would be moving toward her at a time that she needs me the most. You know, and so there's a part of me that goes, I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna walk away from you. I'm gonna keep moving towards you.
And now she finally responded and I'm going... I was really thinking, I win. I win. Go home and my dog's licking my windows and, you know, doing all that stuff. But it's almost realizing that in this arena right here, I've got to look at how I'm being perceived and identify those things in me and say, okay, if I'm being perceived that way, then it's truth to the one who perceives it.
And this is where I start, is starting to change some of these things. I say, I've just gotta look different. You follow me? If you have a discipline problem, you have a relationship problem. And what you gotta start on is is is the relationship.
Because there's nobody else that's gonna create a relationship with your child more than you, or has the influence more than you, or that your child wants involved in their life more than you. It's what you do determines whether they will take advantage of it or not because you may be pushing them away and you don't even know it. You don't even know that you don't know. I mean, did you ever think about that you're so good in architecture that that could drive other people crazy? You ever think about that?
That you see... Yeah. See? And it always pops up in relationships, doesn't it? And so I go, so what is it about the rest of us that they do it?
Because we're all different. We all have something that pushes people away. So it's just being careful with that the way that we engage. Do this. Have a...
I make a comment somewhere in this thing about having a no tech Tuesday where you... Just everybody puts their phones up and you sit around and talk around the table. But have an all tech Thursday, which means this. If everybody has a cell phone, then you have to group text the prayer. Nobody...
You come to the table, nobody can talk, not one word. And so you do the prayer through a text and you hit send. Ding ding ding ding ding. Okay. Let's see.
Ding ding ding ding ding. Sally, can you pass the so and so? Ding ding ding ding ding. You know, everybody, if you want something, you have to text it. It's gotta be text around the table.
Then you ask the question, what's the one thing you hate about our family? Ding ding ding ding ding ding. And everybody's just going. And then they start answering. And then all you're doing is is saying, I'm just going to kinda just moderate a conversation here.
And and two things happen. One, you can say things that you wouldn't normally say, face to face. Because you wouldn't look at them and go, hey, what is it about our family that sucks? You know what mean? You just...
Could y'all say that in the Baptist church? And... Yeah. No, you do. And and so, I mean, it it it just creates...
It's saying, I'm gonna use what's changed in this culture to communicate differently. There was a man... I made that comment on the radio, and there was this man that got ahold of me from Kentucky. And and and he said... And he just wrote this letter.
And I don't usually answer letters that that... If people are critical, I just... Christian circles are just so critical. And and so I don't even answer them. But this guy kinda got my goat a little bit.
And he complained, why would you defame God to to to think that you can pray through texting? That you can... Now he probably thought that microphones were something, you know, of the antiquated, and and he went on and on and on about this thing. And so I just... So Sam sent it to me, and I just wrote him back and I said, here's my cell number.
Would you give me a call? I'd love to talk to you about your comments. So he calls within ten minutes. And I said, man, I I just love to hear what you're saying. You're saying that I'm not a Christian, that I that I'm a mess, that how dare I, you know, lower God to the standards that you can pray through texting, that I would I I think it would be take glory away from him.
What are you talking about? Just help me a little bit. And he said, well, I think it's this, this, this, this, this, then you're evidently this way. And I go off of one comment that I've made out of hundreds of radio programs, out of books, out of hundreds and thousands of articles. You're saying I'm this because I made a comment.
And I said, let me... I'm I'm gonna assume a couple of things. What's that? I said, you're not married, are you? No.
I said, you're probably in your forties. Yeah. And you're not around kids at all. He goes, no, I'm not. Enough said.
That's just it. You you don't get it. You don't... You just don't get it. And so you become very judgmental.
And I go, I... You know, at least then don't listen to us anymore. I I I said, would sleep better if you just don't listen to us. And and left it. It's interesting to me.
Take what kids are using and use it for for our good to engage with them differently. I'd back it up. Give give them that cell phone when they're eight. Let them figure out figure out how to take it away from them. If you're disrespectful, you lose it.
I did that with my granddaughter. When she was like 10, I bought her an I something. I forgot what it was, and she wanted it. And I said, here's the deal. I gave it to her on Christmas.
I said, here's the deal. If you are... If you're disrespectful to my mom, my wife, grandma, if you're disrespectful to her, you lose it. And she goes, okay. Said, no.
No. You understand what I'm saying? I mean, I'll spend a couple $100 on this too. You get it. But you gotta be respectful.
Okay. Okay. Promise me, Miley. Okay. Okay.
Within five minutes, she made a comment to Jan. Well, why would you think that, Mamaw? That's kinda stupid. I go, hey, Miley, give me the thing. What?
Give it to me. Well, why? Because you're disrespectful. That's why. So she gave it back...
So she gave it to me. I said, you don't get it for a week. We've never had a problem since then. Never. Somebody goes, well, that's manipulation.
I believe in manipulation. I'm okay with that. I have no problem with that. I give them things so I can take it away. You know?
Okay. I wanna go through this and then make sure... I I've been trying to make sure that we answer the questions that you've been giving. And so I think I've answered all but two of them so far in what we've been talking about. But I wanna go through this thing just so you can see it.
A lot of this is highlighted in the book, Tough Guys and Drama Queens as well. And one of the things that that that I'm gonna be pushing you toward is one, get resources. The other is to is to make sure that you get a newsletter that... We had a... We had something come out yesterday, and it's a parenting quiz.
And it basically says, what kind of parent are you? I think I mentioned this yesterday. And it has kinda just lit up everything, and people are sharing it all over. It's a fun quiz to take, but it's funny because I get to say things that you wouldn't normally see in an article, and I get to be a little sarcastic, and it's just kind of a fun response. I've exaggerated a lot of stuff.
Get into those things and read them. There's truth in it. And so you kind of go, okay, what do I need to do? There's an app we're gonna tell you about that you can listen to all of our weekday programs, are for men. There are sixty second spots.
And then there's the weekend program, which is a thirty minute program that's really for women because they'll listen for the whole time. Men don't have the time. It's kinda like the books that we have. This book is really written for men, and it's just a one page devotional. It's written for men.
The publisher put a gay cover on it, and so people walk away from it. So it's kinda... Doesn't it look kinda... My kids don't look like that. I go, No kid that I lived with looks like that.
So after we sell out of these books, we'll put a good cover on it that makes it look more manly. But this looks a little different. Men listen differently or read differently women do. Mean, don't you all find that? It's like when my wife says at 10:00 at night, can we talk about something?
And I go, oh, geez. Can we just limit it to like two sentences? Or do we have to go on for like an hour and a half when I'm just dead tired? Know, let's talk... No.
No. Let's not, you know. Or it's kinda like when women pray. You know, it's it's like for hours. Lord, we thank you for the birds, every color of every feather, you know, and and you're just going, rub a dub dub.
Thanks for the grub. You know, let's... Yay, God. You know, and and men are just different in the way that they they engage. It's kinda like get to the point and let's get to the point, you know, and and tell me...
Okay. Why don't you just... Instead of going through all this, just tell me where I'm wrong and I'll change it, you know, and and if you can do that in a sentence of of, like, five words, I'll I'll I'll make the change rather than the discussion of stuff. Am I right on some of that? However wrong it might be?
No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Anyway, I'm not making fun of... Well, they're just different. I mean, we're just different in the way that we're wired. Thank God.
I mean, it's it's... You know, guys are more visual. That's why that's why you don't find too many women with porn issues. I mean, porn is every man's battle because they're visually wired that way. That's why that's why it's guys who are always looking at at video games.
You never hear of a girl with a video game addiction. I mean, it's always it's always that, you know, it's it's just... They're wired differently. We're wired differently. That's why guys like to watch things get blown up and, you know, I...
Like, I go to movies. I don't wanna walk out crying. I don't wanna I don't wanna walk out, you know. I I wanna walk out knowing somebody, people were killed, that that things were blown up, and and the world was saved. And then five minutes after I get out of the theater, I don't have to think about that movie anymore.
I've I've just been entertained, I got away from things for a while, and and that's what I want. Just a little bit of relief and and... Are you... Are any of you guys like that? Just one?
Okay. Just one. Good. Hey, you know, and I used to think... I used to really think, well, there's something wrong with me because my wife feels like I have to be one way.
So she was trying to convert me into being like her, and I was trying to convert her into being like me. Why can't you just loosen up? I mean, it's not a real shark eating those people. It's a fake shark. I mean, come on.
You know? And she was eight and a half months pregnant at the time, and she was screaming at Jaws and, you know, and all this. I... It's not that big of a deal. I mean, it's not a real shark.
And and I I can't change her. She can't change me. And so we learn to live with the difference and and just go, it's good. It's it's a it's a good thing because it's relational. Let me let me move on to this because we're gonna go through, like, 15 slides of this thing that relating is more important than winning.
I think sometimes we feel like we have to stand up for things. Okay. You're a homosexual. Get out the door. I don't want you to...
When relating is gonna be more important than winning. You move out the door. Go. I just won. Scripture says that God hates divorce.
Well, do you know of anybody that really likes divorce? I mean, have you ever heard of anybody go, I I really like divorce. I mean, it's a... I think... I wouldn't wish a divorce were my worst enemy.
So we eliminate those people and and say, well, you've had that boom. But be... And we justify it. And so we win, but we really lose. And the law says that we don't embrace the people at a time that they need us the most.
Because remember what I said, people get lost. And if they get lost and we eliminate them, then we're saying, you're not that needy. Go and go. Or we forget that we were once lost. And so the relationship becomes key.
The relation... I I was asking a radio program once and the... I... As I said, I'm not a theologian on this, and this is kind of a mess of a statement to make. But somebody said, is more important, relationship with Christ or relationship with parents?
Relationship with parents. There was there was no hesitation. And people go, wait a minute, that's just wrong. And I go, it's parents that are always gonna drive a child back to their relationship. If I'm to be to my child who God is to me, and that's the role that I've been placed in, then it's my job to point them to him.
And when I eliminate the relationship based upon standards that say, if you have sex, get out. If you do this, get out. You smoke pot, you can't live here anymore. All this. And and I believe in consequences for inappropriate behavior.
But to eliminate the relationship, I don't think that's what God has in mind. My son went... Called me and said, dad, I just need to tell you that that that I've been having an affair with a little girl out in California. This was nine months after he got married to the girl he dated all through college. And so my great statement...
Well, I mean, was just a great statement. But when you can call your father-in-law and explain to them how you screwed up, you know, his daughter's life, then we will talk again. But until then, don't call me. Doesn't that sound great? Didn't doesn't that sound just wonderful?
Wasn't that a great statement to make? I stood up for what God believes. I I put parameters on him. I put boundaries. I disciplined him.
And I went, I'm right. You're wrong. Go deal with it. So my son moves out, moves in... Does anybody here work for Radisson Hotels?
Radisson Hotels is a dump. And and so he moves into his Radison Hotel in in Dallas, on the West Side Of Dallas, and it was a pathetic mess. And and every one of his friends, everybody abandoned him. He shouldn't have got married in the first place. You know, that was the issue.
So now he's traveling all the time, all the time, all the time. Worked for Deloitte and Tush, and and so now he's out in California, and he just meets this girl and falls in love with her. She's now my daughter-in-law, mother of my grandkids. They have a wonderful marriage, and my ex daughter-in-law is married to the love of her life. And the amazing thing was, this isn't a justification thing, but the amazing thing is is that that she had twins the same day my son had their first kid.
And when they posted it on Facebook, it was right underneath each other. And it was just like God speaking to me. We're gonna be okay. You know, now does that mean I'm giving license to what they did know? But the interesting thing is, at the time that my son needed me the most, I abandoned him.
J. R. R. Tolkien says this. He says, faithless is he who disappears when the road darkens.
Now there's something about that, and we do it in our justification of what we believe, and we eliminate people when relationships are the most important thing. You got some creaking going on in here. I know. Your relationship with your child is the most important aspect of your parenting. And just remember, you...
One day you'll bury each other. One of you will bury the other. You know, it's funny. I sat at my mom's funeral. We didn't bury her.
We burned her. And and and... Which is an interesting story in itself because my dad kept her ashes next to the fireplace, which I thought was just kind of humorous. And evidently, y'all don't. And and...
But the... And and then she said, well, you need to you need to... My dad said, but why don't... When we moved him out and moved him into retirement village, he said, why don't you spread mom's ashes down at Heartlight? I said, well, you want me to take her and do...
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, take the little bag of her and and I didn't know what to do. And so my sister called and said, we need to have an ash spreading service.
I don't think that's in a book of discipline anywhere. You know, I mean, it... I just thought, well, I don't... I'm not so sure how we do that. And and so so I just said, well, what I'm gonna do is is take my mom and and put her in plants.
And so so I bought these hibiscus plants. They're tropical plants and have ficus plants and and all these different tropical plants that I've got. And I've always done this thing. I've always had a green thumb for these plants. And so I I just took a little bit of my mom and put her in each plant.
Only a cup. I only poured out a cup because she was real bitter when she died, and I didn't want her to kill all the plants. And so I just mixed it in with the soil and then planted her. And so even today, this was like two and a half years ago, three years ago, my... Jan will come out and she goes, well, watered Pat today, my mom.
And and so so anyway, so on my dad... On on her birthday, July 23, those plants bloom like crazy. And so I took a picture of the plant, sent it to my dad, and I said, dad, God promises to turn ashes into beauty, you know, more... Morning into dancing and and your sorrows into joy. And he's done that today.
And so I... And... But I sat there and thought, we had kind of a dysfunctional family, you know, and it just wasn't... But it was funny sitting at the funeral. It was all about family.
And I mean, that's who comes. And it's just... It's an interesting deal that it becomes so important. So that's the ones that are there. Even in the dysfunction of everybody.
There's a whole other story with that. But relationships become key. The second thing is ask questions and it creates connections. Pique their interest. Always be asking them little questions.
Every day there should be a question that goes out from you guys to your kids texting things to them. And what am I doing? I'm appealing to the relationship here. Because if I appeal to the relationship, I'm meeting their needs so they don't have to try to meet their needs another way where I have to have all the boundaries and consequences. All behavior is goal oriented.
Everything your child does, they do for a reason. They're smoking pot, they're doing it for a reason. They're having sex with somebody, they're doing it for a reason. If they're angry and mad and upset, it's... Anger is an emotional response to not getting what they want.
Anger is an emotional response to us not getting what we want. And so when you look at that, it's a it's a light on the dashboard of a car that says, we got a problem here. Somebody's wanting something and it's not being met. What is that? And so when I start to see behavior, it's an indicator of something else.
It may be that they're trying to find value. If you've a young lady that wants to find value by having sex with another guy, it's a temporary it's a temporary value. But nonetheless, she feels valued at a time. And so I can look at that and go, how do I instill value in the relationship with my daughter? How do I do that?
Moms instill value. Dads validate it. I think more so than not, moms instill value, daughters go get validated somewhere else. And I say that because that's what my daughter... I realized I was missing her because I was still over on this part always trying to fix her because whenever I fixed everything, I was the good dad.
See how good I am? See how good I am? Instead of looking at her heart here, that she was really wrestling with the eating disorder a little bit. She cheered at Baylor University. And so as every cheerleader, they're always worried about what they look like and how thin they are.
And even today, runs marathons. She's obsessed with weight and all that stuff. I mean, I mean, and so I was missing that. So somewhere along the line, I start asking questions so that so that she feels a sense of value, but I'm diving into her world not to ask a question so that she'll ask me a question, I get to share my opinion. Scripture would...
Scripture says in Proverbs... Proverbs is full. Anytime anytime you see the word fool in Proverbs, put just your name there. You know? It...
As a parent or as relating to people that Mark appears wise when he keeps his mouth shut. Mark delights in sharing his opinion. I mean, when you start thinking about those things, just like a fool, that it's about me. And so there's a part where I'm asking, and Proverbs says, a fool is one who answers before the question is asked. Which means this, when when you're talking to me, I'm more concerned about what how I'm gonna respond to you than really listening to your heart about what you're really trying to tell me.
Because I already have it pegged. I already know the answer. Right? No, I don't. I think that I do.
But if you really believe in the sanctity of life and the individuality of every one of us, every one of you in your response would come across different to me. But if I peg you, oh, that question, I've already heard that question a million times. I'll give you the answer. How cheap is that? Because what it does is invalidate who you are and the individual you are as a person.
And so somewhere along the line, I wanna start asking questions. And so I'll tell you later that I want you to spend time with your kids. I don't know how you'd spend time one time a a week meeting with your your 21 kids, but but, because it'd be hard. But you try to find some time where you can just sit down and engage with them and ask some questions just like you did. Do you think we ought to think we're perfect?
Any kind of fun getting that kind of response? Because you can laugh about who you are rather than always being so defensive that you find there's a connection in your imperfections than your perfections, that you start opening the door for that so they can have discussion. Well, mom, let me ask you a question. Do you think I try to be perfect all the time? Do you think I'm judgmental?
Do you think they're gonna puke back at you what you give to them? And so it's getting them to ask questions. So pique their interest, don't satisfy their curiosity. Get them to think. Trust what you have taught them.
And I... You know, and and I... This this all gets mixed up somewhere. Sometimes I feel like we we we forget to trust that which we've sowed into their life. We teach them for years, and God promises that that he will bring to completion that which he has started.
He will finish that which began at an earlier time in their life. The scripture tells us, don't grow weary in doing good, for in due time, you will reap if you surely sow. So my job is to sow into their life. So I've done that these first twelve years. He will bring it to completion.
So I get to back off. I mean, sometimes I think we we want our kids to... But we're trying to make it complete. But if we really believe in God's timing, then we're gonna go... We're gonna let him complete what we've started.
So we don't trust his involvement and we don't trust the seeds that we've sown into their life. And I'm going, if we did, we would back off a little bit and not be so control... Well, imagine that. Start trusting and stop controlling. This is where I'm in control.
This is where you could become in control. It means I start letting you take control with your life. Do you really think it's sensible... It's really sensible to have a 16 year old driving on icy roads here in Jackson Hole. They didn't seem smart.
They seemed kinda goofy to me. But we do it. And do they step up to the plate? They do. And they do okay.
I mean, there's so many things that we want to to trust. And I wanna make sure that you understand when I say trust. There... There's a part of me that doesn't trust kids. I never will.
I mean, I I trust that they're gonna get into trouble. I trust... I I trust that my wife is gonna burn our house down. I I I just know it's gonna happen. I mean, she she puts candles on like...
On a wooden thing on the the sofa. And I'll come in. I'll get it at night and and come in and it's and it's melted and cracked the glass and the glass has run on the wood. I mean, the wax has run through the glass onto the wood and it's just a little fire, you know, that's that's on the sofa. And I know she's gonna burn the house down.
Or she runs an extension cord under the sofa where she can plug in all of her doodads, you know, all her stuff that she needs to charge up. And you pick up that cord, it is red hot. It is melted through the synthetic. And I'm going, she's gonna burn the house down. I trust my wife will do that.
I know she will. I'm always calling the insurance. We're still good. Right? Okay.
We made the payment and we're still good in case anything burns down. I even went and bought Browning Browning gun safe. I bought the biggest safe they've got and I put all of my stuff in there. And it's fireproof. And and so when she burns the house down, I'll still have all my stuff that I really wanna keep.
And I'm not joking either. And and so there's a part I... But I just trust that that's gonna happen. I trust that my wife is gonna is gonna back into things. I don't know why, but she does.
We we live on property that has pine trees, like 80, 90 year old pine trees all over the place. And I mean, big old pine trees that are just huge. And she backed into one that was 20 some yards away from the driveway because she was backing up and watching the screen. And she just got off center or something. And so went down this way and slammed into a tree 20 yards away from where...
And I'm going, we're not even getting it fixed because you're just gonna bash it up again. I mean, I just I just Alright. Do any of y'all have that same issue? No. No?
Dude, I... You are validating me, you know, just boom, you know. But I just wait for it to happen. Scripture said, cursed is the man who puts his trust in man for he'll be like a bush in the desert. He'll dwell in the salt places of the earth where no one dwells and his leaves will wither at a time of heat.
So even though I say start trusting, I don't trust kids. I trust that they're gonna make mistakes. I trust that the... That things are gonna happen. I trust that that that I...
You know, I trust that more so than really trusting them to go do what... But I still let them do things even though I know what's gonna happen. I mean, it's just kinda normal. We invite a group of kids over to our house. Because I don't trust kids, I know that they will steal things.
I just know that they'll steal things. I mean, you have 12 girls come over. They're gonna find something. Somebody in that group will steal something. And so we tape different things shut, and we just put where they can't see it.
I'll put little notes and things. Stay out of here. You know, they're going to the bathroom and they always will open up the cupboards and look. And I put a note in there to go, nothing's in here that you want. You know, I could...
Because I just know that they'll take something. And so we had a group of girls over last week and and they left. And so we go around check everything, but nothing was missing. And I go, no. Something was missing.
I mean, even little knickknacks and they stole baby Jesus out of a nativity scene that we had once. You know? And I go, that Jesus is over at Heartlight somewhere. We'll find it. And two days later, we got it back and had to taser her twice.
And... But but she coughed it up and it worked. But anyway, my point is is that is that somewhere along the line, it's starting to trust and quit being so controlling. There was a family that we had that wrote a family creed of a code of conduct for life skills. And I've scratched out their name.
But but this is what the family said, and it's and it's interesting. They have a 15 year old son, and he's smoking pot like crazy. So they were gonna come up with, okay, these are the plans for how we're gonna operate in our family. Presenting this to a 15 year old kid, a boy, and a 13 year old daughter. They said the first thing, worship the Lord.
Dating Christians only stay equally yoked. Attend church weekly through church services, Bible study. Sundays are family time and meant for rest and visiting. Daily prayer should be an integral part of your life. Use your God given talents to serve and honor the Lord.
Tithing and charitable giving are important. Seek fellowship with other Christians. As you pursue an active church life and fellowship with other believers, marriages or death until you part... Or death until... Or death do you part.
Think about this when you pick a spouse. Oddly, they're divorced now. And let's God light... Let's God let God's light shine through your actions. People should know you're Christian from your actions, not just your words.
Works and works and chores. Work and chores. Do promptly with a cheerful positive attitude without being reminded. Work always to foster a good strong work ethic. Work comes before play, never put off tomorrow, which you can do today.
Making a to do list is very helpful and being productive. Planning things in the evening to prepare for your next morning is crucial. Conversation. We live in a spend free home. No surprises.
If you do it, then own it. Placing blame and giving excuses, do not own it. Learning. Place great emphasis on obtaining wisdom. Note this is very different from book learning.
Always have at least one hobby at a time. Read a minimum of one book every other month for a minimum of six books a year. This keeps your mind growing. Vacations are very important to take it every other year. Try to go places where you can learn from the culture activities.
Do not get in a rut professionally, socially, or in your marriage. Strive to be in a leadership position. Learn to have healthy relationships with others. Finances. Do not spend money you don't have.
This keeps you out of debt. Implement a budget. Always have guidelines. All major purchases over $200 should have a thirty day waiting period. I wish my wife would do that one.
And, savings plans should always be implemented. There's never an excuse not to have 20% of your earnings put away at a minimum. You can't do this and you're spending too much and you need to reevaluate your budget. It's a 15 year old kid. Credit should only be used for major large purchases, home or vehicle, not day to day purchases.
Credit cards have danger all over them. Try paying your bill full every month. Meals and exercise, Five fruits and vegetables a day, maximum one dessert a week. Minimum take of red meat two times a week. Actually, makes me wanna smoke pot.
You know, mean, it's just... Exercise three times a week for forty five minutes at a minimum. Drink eight glasses, eight ounce glasses. Keep yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually in shape at all times. Pick your friends wisely.
No sex before marriage. No drugs. Never drink and drive. No fast women. No reckless driving.
No motorcycles under any circumstances. No bad boys. No whining or being a victim. No wild or crazy out of control party. Be yourself not controlled by the group.
Respect. Be grateful in everything. Remember to write thank you notes. Shower daily. Nobody wants to smell you.
Brush your teeth two times a day. Nobody wants to smell your bad breath. Smile. It makes everyone feel better. Happiness is a choice.
Choose to be happy. Media usage. Music. Lyrics should be uplifting and not offensive. Movies.
No porn. No horror. No movies not worthy of your time and should be worthy of discussion afterwards. Computer. No porn.
Entertainment. No porn. Evidently have a porn problem in their house. The TV. No porn.
Uses them a maximum of four hours a week. Choose your time wisely. Stay in touch with families. Check-in upon arrival at a destination. Check-in after school.
Contact a relative one time a week. Have a personal contact with a friend one time a week. Tell parents good morning and good night with a hug and a kiss. Attitude equals altitude. Can do crew altitude with everything in your life.
Complete all projects in quick and efficient manner. Dedicate yourself to schoolwork projects and work dream big and work hard. Always have written goals. You see why that kid's smoking pot? There's nothing wrong with one thing that they said.
Not one thing is wrong on there. But what does this have written all over it? I'm gonna control you. This kid chose to go to a military school north of Camp Pendleton outside of San Diego rather than live at home. Start trusting and quit controlling everything.
This girl said this, these kids said this. I made a comment. Do you think that kids wanna be in control of their life? Sure they do. And deep down, think we all as parents would say that we want them to be yet somewhere in between thinking it and giving it.
There's a breakdown between thought and action. And I said, I think this is the reason why. And I go on in the book and talk about it. The kids said this. One girl said they kept...
They wouldn't let me do anything and they would never give me a reason why. I kept thinking I'm 18 and they treat me like I'm 12. They never trusted me to do anything, so I started to take control of my life behind their back. I started smoking just to prove to my parents that it was one area of my life they didn't control. And when they grounded me for smoking, I felt good because I knew I was in control of my life.
Another kid said this, I wanted to prove to my parents that they couldn't control me. I think that's why I tried to kill myself. Another one said this, I felt alive when I was in control and everybody except my parents knew me as one who could be in control. Another kid, my parents are control freaks. They trust no one.
They'll never trust me. So I quit listening to them long ago. Another kid said this, the tighter they clamp down, the more I wanted to fight back. Most of the problems I have in life are because of my parents. They didn't train me.
They ruined me all because they wanted to be in control. Trust what you've taught them and let them fly a little bit. Now wait a minute, Mark. You don't understand what's going on at the high school. I mean, they're doing all this stuff.
Trust them to make good decisions. Let them fly a little bit. And then if they make mistakes, use it as an opportunity to speak into their lives at the time that they make the mistakes. Give the responsibility, allow them to fail, quit doing everything for them, and allow them to take control of their life. Because here, we have control and they're in...
And then they're dependent here. Our goal is for them to become independent and in control of their life. Am I right? I mean, don't you want your child to be in control at age 18? Don't you want them to be making good decisions?
Don't you want them to be exercising their decision making muscles so it's built up so when they have to lift the hard stuff that they have the muscles to do it? Here's an example of that. 12 years old, you're going to church, you're doing this, you're doing this, you tell them everything they're gonna be doing that this is this is how it's gonna be. Every day you're going to church. You're in a discipleship, small group mission, Bible study, servanthood training.
You're gonna be singing in a choir. We don't have choir. I don't care. Make a choir. You're gonna sing in it.
You know what mean? Whatever it is, you're going to it. Age 18. You're on your own. Which means this.
Are you all comfortable with this? You're on your own? That you start letting out the rope here along the way. Because I'm training my child to make good decisions. So maybe at age 16, or maybe at 12, when they turn 13, I I lift some of the requirements.
At 14, I lift some more. At 15, I lift some more. At 16, when they can drive. Sweetheart, I want you to go somewhere to church. Find a place that you feel comfortable, but you gotta go to church somewhere.
It's your deal. You pick. 17, you don't have to go to church if you don't want to. 18, middle of their senior year. You don't have to go, but we're having lunch at so and so.
Why don't you come join us? What am I doing? Somebody goes, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. And I'm going, what you're doing is training up a child in the way he should go so that when they're old, they won't depart from it. And so you're letting them make decisions as they move along this path.
It's like this. If you're on the Internet, I'm looking at everything. I'm looking at your history. I'm looking at everywhere you've gone. I'm looking at everything that you do.
I am inspecting everything. I have put stuff on your computer. I will read everything, look at everything. I will know everything. 18.
It's your life, man. I'm not doing anything. Because when they go off to college or get a job or go in the military, you think you're gonna have control over them. I want them to start expressing themselves early on so I can speak truth into their life when they start making decisions when they get up to this higher level. And so that what I've required for them here really...
This this this... A lady calls it, you mean that I don't have to know? My child's 17.5 and I don't need to know their passwords? In six months, really? You're gonna know passwords on everything?
I wanna train them up. I want them to move from dependence to independence. Me in control, them in control. You know, and get them to a point where they're making this... Are they gonna make mistakes?
Sure they will. And when they do, if it's life controlling decisions and we have this little circle right here that deals with boundaries and and consequences for inappropriate behavior, then we deal with those things. But at some point, I let those things out. You follow me? Trust.
Trust what you've taught your kids. The next thing is foster independence. Some of the comments that your kids make when they make at 16, oh, yeah, I can live on my own. I can I can do this? I I mean, I don't need you.
Those are really good comments. If you have a 16 year old son saying that, it means he's becoming independent. As I said last night, it's hard for two men to live together because one's always gotta be right. Am I right? Of course, I'm right.
And and some... The men get it. But there's a part of it where where I'm going. It's it's it's fostering that and allowing that to happen. Our young ladies, when they get older, they wanna be on their own.
They want the independence. They start thinking of... Let them think on their own a little bit. And let them express it because I don't want them to start using other things as a pawn on that... On the on the chessboard of control to get back at me with things.
I wanna give it to them and let them start making decisions. So their comments may move them to independence. The other thing is help them get ready for the next stage of life. Sometimes I think we're more into managing our own homes than we are preparing them for the next stage that they're supposed to go in. It's almost like you're wanting to get the the father of the year award or the mother of the year award because it's about you, when really parenting isn't about you.
It's about you down here, you know, and making our kids, follow me, this is what we're gonna do, this is how it's gonna work. When it gets up here, this is about them. I'm gonna prepare you for the next stage of life. And usually, you find out where you failed when your child fails later on in life. You go, man, we should have talked about that a little bit more.
My son drank like a fish when he went off to school. His roommate that he had, a guy by the name of John Carter, ended up asphyxiating in a sleep apnea machine a few years ago. But all beca... I would go into their apartment and there would just be... I mean, every kind of bottle there is.
And and I I sat there and I thought, I I wish... That's my son. I I wish I would have spent more time talking to him about drinking rather than just ignoring it. There wasn't a bit of alcohol in our our home during the time our kids were home, and yet they're going into a world that's full of alcohol and pot. I go, how do we do that as parents?
That's where I said writing that book, you know, discernment and moderation in a in a permissive society. You know, and so, I mean, his roommate, you know, ten years later dies of something that was started because they came from the same home, The same kind of home. Good Baptist home, man. We uphold the standards and this is what we want. A third of the kids that live with us are homeschooled or go to a Christian school.
Another third are adopted. So we've had eight, 900 kids that are adopted live with us. And a third of them are Southern Baptist. And so if if you are a Southern Baptist who has an adopted child that you're homeschooling, then I've got a packet of information for you because your kid's gonna be with us soon. Add clear boundaries and supply...
Subtract the strictness. This is right here. This is this circle where we start saying, okay, this is what we want. This is what... Set the rules.
Here's the rules. And do this. Figure out 10 rules that you want for your home. What are the top 10 things that would change things within your home? Can't smoke pot, academics need to be this way.
You need to work at least twenty hours a week. Whatever it is, you need to treat everybody with respect. You need to quit cussing. Whatever it is, what is it in this circle that that there's five things that you're gonna say, this is what we want to be different. Just five.
Moms, it can't be a 150. Okay? Dads, it's gotta be more than two. I mean, dads are probably, don't get drunk, don't get anybody pregnant. I mean, it's gotta be more than that.
Okay? It's gotta be just five things. Remember when we talk about those little 1% changes that have this amazing way of changing the direction? You know, it's like it's like flying a plane. You make a little 2% correction, and then you make a 2% correction, and you make a 2% correction.
And over a period of time, you'll end up in a completely different place than you ever started. And so it's the same way with these rules. What five things are the biggest issues that we're gonna deal with? And then you learn to let some of the other ones go. And then set the consequences for that inappropriate behavior.
We we put together a workbook, and it's called just developing rules and consequences. And it kinda walks you through everything. Buy it or or just take it, and we'll give it to you. But it's... But it'll help you through, and it and it keeps me from having to explain all of it as we go through this.
But it's making sure that everybody understands. And how I couple that is that is that if I'm gonna be asking something from them, then I wanna ask something for them as well. And so whatever your rules have been in the past... Let let... Let's say this.
Let's say this is kind of the of the way to approach it. Because I don't think you get what you what you want all the time. I think you get what you negotiate. I'm asking you to be respectful. I'm asking that your grades be at this level.
You know, I thought when President Bush was at Southern Methodist University in May and he and he was talking for graduation, he said to all of you who were magna cum laude, congratulations for your for your intelligence and your expertise in graduating with honors. And to all of you who made b's and c's, you too may one day be president. They gave... He gave license to those people. I didn't do...
I wasn't even in the top 85% of my high school graduating class. But I made four points in college, and I made it to law school. I mean... And so it's it's almost... We worry about so much.
So you have to ask, is academics it? I just want you to make a three point average. I want you to make a two seven five, whatever it is. So I'm asking that you treat everybody with respect that you make these grades. You gotta quit cussing all the time, can't smoke pot, whatever those things are, whatever the big things are for your family.
And you line those things up, and you put consequences to them. And those consequences, if you think that respect is the number one issue, what's the number one thing that would get your child's attention if you took away from them? What's the number one thing? Phone. Cell phone?
That's why you give it to them early. It's the new car keys. You know? A car, insurance money, whatever it is, whatever would get their attention, whatever you allow them to do or give for them, take that away. Give them something and take it away.
You're gonna lose this. But you connect the consequence with those issues of priority so you know, you know, how you're gonna manage these top five things. Now there's five other things that I would put in a belief system, what we call it. I would put in there and I would say, here's just some examples. I know we've been monitoring your music and we're going to quit doing that.
So you can listen to whatever you want. And here's a Nano or your own phone, which they can download anything or here's some iTunes cards, but keep it on your phone and stick it in your ears. We don't want to listen to it anymore. I personally believe that music is more of an expression than it is an influence. I've just been around music enough, I've seen kids deal with it enough that it really doesn't matter, you know, unless it's Leonard Skynyrd.
If you ever get a pastor preaching about Leonard Skynyrd, you know they're messed up. And and that... No, not really. And so you can listen to whatever you want and you scoot that across the table. Here's curfew.
I'm gonna give you a flashlight for your key chain. Here's curfew that's usually been at this. We're gonna extend it just a little bit so you can make sure you can, you know, unlock the door when you get in. Here's a checkbook I'm gonna give you. And at the first of every month, I'm gonna deposit how much money we would spend on you.
I want you to start learning how to manage your own money. Sound crazy? I think you ought to do this in seventh grade. That what you do is you say, whatever money I would spend, clothes, activities, fees, lunches, allowance, whatever. I think allowance is backwards.
The older a kid gets, we ought to be giving them less instead of giving them more because maybe they'll get a job and learn how to make money. And so you line all that and you come up with that number, whatever it is. $200 for a younger one, $300. For those that you're paying car insurance on, give them the money for car insurance that they have to write you a check back. And do a checkbook.
Don't do a debit card or don't give them a credit card. They've gotta learn about debits and credits somewhere. It's just basic accounting. And so let them manage their money. Train up a child in the way it should go.
And when they're old, they won't depart from it. And teach them about finances. Why? Because what's the number one issue for couples the first year of marriage? It's finances.
What's the number one problem with kids going off to college and dealing with money? It's credit. I mean, kids get out with $10,000 worth of credit and average of $21,000 of school loans. They need to learn how to manage money. So I'm scooting that across the table.
So that may be $300. And so on the first of the month, that money's in there. But on the second of the month, your daughter walks in and she's got on a $300 pair of jeans. And you look at it and you go, what's your response? You know what your response is?
Those are great looking jeans. I love those jeans. They just have the rips in the right places and and they have the embroiders and, you know, and all this. You know, my granddaughter at the CMA's other day, she walked in and she had holes in her jeans. And I'm going, you just you just bought those?
Well, mom bought them for me. You paid money for that? Are you serious? But this $300 pair of jeans, it's embroidered, it's got little bedazzles on it and all that other stuff, and you look at it, that's a great pair of jeans. Moms, you look at it and go, man, I wish I had a pair of jeans like that.
Different response, And then the next morning when she come down... When she comes down and says, hey, dad, can you spot me $50? I don't have any money for gas money. You know what you say? I'd walk in those jeans.
It's 15 degrees outside. Well, you better wear a coat, you know. Scripture says in Proverbs 18, says if you rescue an angry man once, you'll just have to rescue him again. It's kinda like a child that runs out of gas somewhere and it's a safe place. I mean, you wouldn't do that if they have to go over the pass.
Well, walk home. You know, I wouldn't do that. But if it's close and safe, then don't go pick him up. Let them learn from the lesson. You know, let your child go, well, I'm not I'm not eating, I don't have any money to buy lunch at school anymore.
Oh, man. Well, there's peanut butter in the pantry you can get. Well, yeah, but what do I do about this activity? I don't know. It's not my problem.
Well, what am I supposed to do? I don't know. What are you supposed to do? Don't answer the question. Well, mom, will you help?
Well, I did help. I gave you $300, You know, you blew it. Well, what am I supposed to do? I have no idea. Don't give them the answer.
Give them the next question. And let them figure out what they're supposed to do. Okay, She gonna buy a $300 pair of jeans the next time? She gonna run out of gas again? She's gonna learn how to manage what you've given her.
And that's when I'm saying, give it to them. So I am sliding across a curfew deal. I am saying, here's music you can listen to. Here's money that I'm gonna give you. We're gonna allow you to do this.
And I tell you what, we got you a smartphone just so we can stay in better contact. They're gonna be looking at you going, what is going on? Well, we're just asking five things. We'll give you all this and we're just wanting you to do this. Deal?
Yeah. Okay, and there's consequences. If you don't do this, there's consequences. Okay. Now you got it lined up.
You've developed your belief system of what you believe your family needs to look like, and you go off it. So when they make a mistake, don't rescue them. Your child comes home drunk, what do you do? Well, what did you say you were gonna do? I'm gonna take away whatever got their attention the most.
It's gotta be painful. Gotta feel a sense of pain in some way. Because your child will continue to do the behaviors they're doing until the pain from their behaviors is greater than the pleasure that they get from it. Remember what I said earlier, that all behavior is goal oriented. They're getting something from everything they do.
When they intentionally argue with you, they're getting something from that. And you always have to be going, what are they getting from this? Well, then let's let's channel it differently. Let's figure out how to maybe engage a little bit differently. But what I'm doing is saying, I'm for you and I'm helping you do it with these things.
And it means you have to give up some things. And then, but I'm gonna require something from you as well. That's what I'll do for you. This is what I want from you. And you let that be your system of management while you're dealing with the relationship stuff here.
So just think for a moment. You start making comments that there's nothing you can do to make me love you more. There's nothing you can do to make me love you less. You're engaging with them differently. You're admitting your own faults, difficulties, and hardships.
You're becoming more imperfect that attracts them to you. Instead of giving the answers all the time, you're moving toward them and just asking them questions. You're only nagging them on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. And on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, you're giving it a break. And now you're saying, I'm giving up on some of these things, and I'm giving you this stuff.
They're gonna be going. Is mom dying? I mean, what's going on here? I mean, they look at it differently. Somebody said, Alex Karest, who does seminars around the country, he does negotiation seminars.
He goes, you don't get what you want, you get what you negotiate. And then you use that so that that is the system that runs our family and I can focus on the enforcement of that and the relationship. Follow me on that? See, conflict is a precursor to change. Don't run from it.
You'll find that that that you work through conflict, it's amazing how your relationships will change. We have this tendency that we just run from it because it's painful. C. S. Lewis made a comment once.
He said, pain is God's megaphone to a deaf world. And he also said, I don't doubt I don't doubt God's I don't doubt that God wants the best for us. I just wonder how painful it's going to be. And that usually comes in conflict. And I would tell you this also, that if you're in conflict with somebody else, the way that you handle it will be the way that your child will learn how to deal with conflict, you know, later on in their life.
Will your child have conflict? How you handle conflict in your marriage is how they will handle it in their marriage. When you have conflict with other people that are around you, the ones that you walk on the other side of the... Of a lane when you see them at the grocery store and you just would rather not see them. You guys ever have people like that?
People that you go to church, you go, I really don't wanna talk to them because they kinda tick me off a little bit and I'm just... And you stay away from them. What you're doing is avoiding conflict rather than moving to resolution of those things. Now, well, we'll get into that. Resolving conflict can deepen your relationship with your child, whatever that is.
Pick your battles wisely. Determine which hill you're willing to die on. Focus on the majors, as somebody said earlier, and get away from, the minors. It doesn't matter. Are there things that your kids will learn when, when they get fired from their first job?
Okay. Are there things they'll learn when they get married? Are there things they'll learn when they have kids? Okay. You don't need to teach them those things.
What are the things that you need to teach them now? Because you you just go... It's it's not... I mean, your kids are only with you a fifth of their life. And so it's almost saying, I...
I'm gonna let them learn some other things at other times. That's that's that's a lesson to be learned by somebody else in a in a in a different time. That doesn't have to be learned right now. Not every not every teachable moment needs to have a lesson with it. You following me?
You don't always have to teach them something. Sometimes I think we shame our kids. Sometimes I think... What's that? You're the only one that hears that.
I know. It may be something haunting me, but you know. But there's but there's... I I think we shame our kids sometimes by always correcting them or telling them another lesson. The lesson's right.
It's like it's like whenever my... Whenever I I have a discussion... When when I wanna have a discussion with my wife about something and it gets in that she's gotta teach me a lesson out of it. Yeah. I really didn't wanna have a lesson, sweetheart.
I understand that. I just wanted to have a discussion. And sometimes people can't get away from that. There's always gotta be a teaching moment. I've always gotta show how better I am than you.
I've always got... That's how I've been getting my value is by by showing you that I'm of value. And I'm going, sometimes a fool appears wise when he doesn't always do that and just leave it alone. Sometimes we shame our kids when we tell them, yeah, there's a better way to do that. Why do we do that?
When they do something and we tell them, oh, I can do it better, is what we're saying. I think what we do to our young men sometimes is we just snip away at parts of them and help them not become a man. So they can do other things to become a man. Start having sex with girls, then get on porn, they feel like a man, or they do it. We just snip away at them.
We don't let them really become men. So they find other ways. Older men do that. They buy Harleys. And I'm joking a little bit.
I just gave my Harley away. And... But I think it's I think it's that search. I I I want something and and it's... We're always always correcting everything.
And I and I say that. That's all of us. We're always doing that. If it's interpreted as a shame, I know this, that shame only fuels more sin. When I shame my wife for doing something wrong, I I really do laugh about her backing into things.
She did she did $4,000 worth of damage. She did $4,000 worth of damage to her car. She went to see my son and he lives in a gated... Or he lived in a gated community. And she pulled up to the kiosk to to punch the button in.
And then when she was driving in, she turned too sharply and just ran into it and scraped the whole back of the car off. And so it wasn't a surprise that that last year when she was driving home from Dallas, that the whole back end of the car comes off on the highway and it's just gone. I mean, this I don't know what kind of car it was. What did what did she have? I don't even know anymore.
But it was beat up. I know that. I mean, it was a leased car, but I mean, she had beat the tar out of that car. And I mean and so she went and bought a new car. I didn't even know what it was, you know, and I just went, well, whatever you wanna get, it's your deal.
Because she wants to feel like she has some independence and so she buys it. Mean, she still backs it into things and so it doesn't matter. I mean, really, mean, she backs into everything. Know, I mean, come over sometimes, she'll back into you. Know, and and, anyway.
My my point is is that you focus on majors, postpone the minors. I look at my wife and I go, you know what, it doesn't matter. It's a car. That's why we have insurance. It really is because I know it's gonna happen.
So I don't... I I just don't care anymore. You know, even when the house goes, as long as that safe holds up, I'm okay, you know? It's got all my guns in it and and and valuable papers. And, you know, as long as that holds up, I'm okay.
Cook what's on the front burner and allow the other issues to simmer on the back burner. Give your teens your time. You know, don't know what the five love languages are. I made a comment about this last night. Have you all read the book by Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages?
I was on a on a radio program with him, they asked me to come on. And they script out every word that he says. He's on Moody Radio, and and... But they script out everything. Chris Fabry's wife...
And I think Chris Fabry is kind of the host of the program, and and his wife writes out everything. So they wanna do an interview thing with me and while I was on the program and so they scripted out everything that I was supposed to say. And Gary would go, hi, Mark. How are you today? It's good.
I hear that you live in Longview, Texas and live with 60 high school kids. And I'm so sorry. Oh, yes, Gary. That is where I live. You know, and I'm...
And... But they lined out everything. Well, that doesn't work for me. I just I just don't do that. And and so I decided after about four or five minutes, I'm coming off of this script thing.
I said, Gary, hey, let me ask you a question. And it was like, what? And I go, what if there's six love languages and and you only got five of them? And his... He goes, well, think there's only five.
I said, well, you think because we don't know. There could be a sixth. And he goes, well, I don't think so. I go, well, I think there might be. He goes, well, I don't know.
I said, that's the point. We don't know. I said, people used to think there were nine planets. Now there's like 50 some planets, you know, that we know of. They just announced another, you know, 40 some of them, what, six months ago or so.
And Pluto, what we thought was true, maybe isn't one. So maybe maybe the love... Maybe there's another one. And it just threw him off completely. I don't know what the five love languages are because I don't read books.
I don't read anything that's gonna influence me in in parenting or anything else. But I think time is one of them. The way that we come across to our kids is time. Time is value. I've always made comments.
I can always make more money, but I can't make more time. And mark my words, you will get to a point, as I know that some of you have in this room. Two years ago when I was 58, my granddaughter was 12. And it... That time has flown by.
I mean, has flown by. And so I started to think, okay, that means in 12, I'm gonna be 70. And so I announced to the staff, I got twelve more years. I'm not doing anything I don't wanna do anymore. And I'm gonna do what I wanna do.
I'm not doing anything else I don't wanna do. So we started divvying up things. And I just don't do what I don't wanna do anymore. Have you all found that out? The the older people that are here, have you found that out?
You just go, I'm gonna do what I wanna do. Part of it's time. You find that it's limited somewhat. And every time a person dies around me, I'm blessed. Yeah.
I mean, I'm feeling... Somebody asked me, you know, how are you doing today? You know what? I didn't bury my son Thursday. I don't have a wife that's at home dying right now.
I I I don't have Parkinson's and and can't function. I am a blessed man. You know, and so I look at that. So I'm taking advantage of the time by giving my time to do the things that I wanna do. And so so that's what I would tell you.
Determine a time each week that you can get with one of your kids. For you, that means you're just not gonna have the time to do anything else. You're just gonna be getting with your kids all the time. She has like 31 kids. And, which means this, if they do what she's done, she'll have 310 grandchildren, you know, which is just gonna be like, you know, like, well, I don't know what it'd be like.
But determine a time that you can get with them and sit down and spend time and just ask questions. And here's the thing, go to that... What's that coffee shop that we went to? What is it? Jackson Poll Brewster.
Yeah, yeah. Sit there and just ask questions of your young child. One day, they'll come to a point that they say, hey, dad, can I ask you a question? Mom, can I ask you a question? And that's what you're waiting for.
And and a a kid comes back and says, well, I don't wanna get with you. Well, I'm not paying for the cell phone. Well, that's manipulation. That's bribery. Yes, it is.
But we're gonna get together. Well, I don't wanna get with you. Then you're not gonna have a cell phone. Well, I'll pay for it on my own. Okay.
How are gonna go get that phone? Well, I'll drive the car. Well, you're not gonna have the car anymore. Why is that? Not unless you meet with me.
Well, dad, you can't do that. Oh, yes, I can. And it forces the time so you're spending some time together. And when you get together, you just ask questions. And spend a lot of time going, wow, wow.
Eventually you get to the point, what's one thing that you're fearful of being knowing about? What a great question. I call it the ace in the hole. You throw it out on the table. What's the one thing when you look at a son or a daughter?
What's the one thing that you're fearful about me knowing about you? It comes over a period of time. But you know you've come to a good place when they go, well, this is what I wanna tell you. Then you know you have a good relationship when they come out and say it, whatever it is. Whatever it is.
There's nothing that's so big that you can't work through it and get to the other side of it. There's nothing. Whatever story you have, I can top that story in a heartbeat. Just name anything. Name anything.
I can top it. Love when you don't feel like it. When really there's a part of you that wants to to walk away from the relationship when they've done something wrong, that's when God would call you to move toward them. And it's offering grace. And grace, I would tell you, is a tough thing.
It's not easy. There's a scripture that said like the like the barred gates of the citadel is one who has been offended. That when you've been offended and somebody's violated you, the thing you wanna do is walk the other direction and go someplace different because they've offended you. Grace is getting something you don't deserve. And so they don't deserve it from me, but I'm giving it to them anyway.
And it's tough and it's hard. Matter of fact, if it's easy for you to offer grace, it probably isn't grace. It's hard to offer grace. Just think of somebody who's violated you in some way. Now move toward them.
And they've taken advantage of you. They owe you something. I always make a comment. There's this kid that that we've helped out a lot and he still owes me $200 and and it's been an ongoing thing for years. Somebody will say the word Lex and I'll go, you know, that kid owes me $200.
Grace would be moving toward him when there's a part of me that wants to walk away. I paid for a little girl to go to college, get her masters in counseling. We've done everything for this girl. And when I'm out of town, she gets a two week notice and leaves after she's asked me to do her wedding, after. She has offended me like crazy.
Now, I'm not there yet to be able to move toward her because I I hope she rots. I mean, do you ever think that? Do you all really in your heart of hearts ever go, God, I wish they would go through a tough time? Kinda hope she'd be a failure just to prove how good I am. Ain't that kinda selfish?
But there... I know that there's a part of me that's gotta move toward her one day. Why? Because God moved toward me, so I know that I've gotta move toward her. It's hard.
Every part of my body said like the bar gates of the citadel is one who has offended the other. It's got me closed off. If she called me right now, I think my comment to her would be, her name's Meredith. Hey, it's a Meredith. I would probably say, I don't know a Meredith.
That's how the offense has been. So I know that that somewhere down the line, I've got to move toward her. It's just not today, but somewhere. And so it's just knowing that God would call us. And it's not easy.
It's not fun. Maybe something needs to be offered even today. Move toward when you want to walk away. Don't stop offering even when you've been offended. That's a tough one.
Offer the freedom to make mistakes. The development of responsibility produces maturity. You don't develop maturity. You develop responsibility, but you don't develop maturity. Is something burning or did the heater come on?
The heater must come on. Yeah. Expect mistakes so you don't shame your child when they are made, because they will be made. Forgive when it's hard. This is the tough one.
Forgiveness, and I want you to think about this, forgiveness is giving up hope that you'll ever have a better past. Forgiveness is giving up hope that you'll ever have a better past. And you just go, I'm done. I don't have to have a better past anymore. And you move on from there.
Forgiveness and forgetting draws a child to you, and it builds respect from a relationship rather than a respect from fear, that it moves towards somebody. You know, I had a I had a kid that that that got real upset over a situation because somebody had put a sexual perpetrator sign in their front yard at home because his dad was convicted of molesting a little 14 year old girl at their church. The mother worked at the church. So this young man was upset. And so he took it out on two things, a van that we had that we transport kids.
He took a bat to it and did $34,000 worth of damage. But worse yet, he he got ahold of one of my dogs and just kicked the daylights out of the dog. A golden retriever for Pete's sakes. A golden who's... The only thing they'd done wrong is maybe lick something, you know, and and I was hot.
I mean, I was furious. I wanted to kill the kid. I mean, there was a part of me that... If right then, every part of me on the inside wanted to grab him and punch him and everything else. And then I realized what he was going through, and I understood it.
And I go, you know what? I gotta forgive me. I gotta move toward him. And I go, come here, bud. Hugged him, sat there and go, you're gonna be okay.
Now you still owe me $3,000 and we'll figure that out, but don't ever kick my dog again. And so now the kid... He's doing well. He's doing fine. His dad's still a mess.
He didn't have to pay anything back, but I wanted him to realize that he owed something in the midst of that, and then you just forgive it and move on. You following me with that? I tell kids all the time, I owe you nothing, but I want to give you everything. Because everything you have will go to your kids one day. Yeah, I mean, Everything will go to them one day.
Take a regular break. Only correct your kids on Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. And have a meal that no matter what's happening in your family, have a joke night around the table. Everybody's got to bring a joke, a good joke. Moms, no spiritual jokes because those aren't funny.
Okay? They're just they're just some of them that aren't funny at all. And, well, there's none of them that are funny. And, but just find a joke. Find a joke somewhere.
Get online and look up jokes and just bring one to the... Everybody's gotta bring one to the table. I mean, my granddaughter can look up jokes and she'll she'll bring those. You can open up a Laffy Taffy and get a joke out of it. I mean, there's no excuse for not finding the joke.
But just sit around and have a joke night. Don't feel like to be a spiritual family, you always have to have a devotion. You know, it's... Or that you... I mean, I'm going, where did that come up?
I mean, it's... You just go, lighten up a little bit. You know, is it really... Is is the food... My wife and I quit praying before every meal.
We just bless the groceries when we bring them in. Follow me? So we don't have to anymore. I'm joking with you. But I go, we get in these we get in these little ruts and we think that's the voice of our spirituality.
It's the things that we do And the expression of our spirituality is who we are and how we engage in that. It's more so than these little things that we do. And so have a have a mealtime where you where you sit around and laugh. And I and I said this yesterday that laughter is a is a form of worship. You need to laugh more.
Who's the guy, Sam, that that, the comedian that is just hilarious? Brian Brian Regan. Have you ever followed any of his stuff? Golly. That guy is hilarious.
And, I can just sit and watch him and laugh and laugh and laugh. I was driving home from Dallas the other day and and I put on, Larry the Cable Guy. And it's real interesting because he's he's just off the wall. I mean, off the wall. I'm by myself driving, and I was laughing so hard.
I could barely see straight. And I sat there and I thought, I don't laugh enough. I really don't laugh enough. I mean, I feel like I gotta go see, you know, every spiritual thing there is, but where do I just entertain that part of me that can laugh and learn to have a good time and not feel upset that I'm enjoying something that's not overtly Christian. Are you following me?
Relationship with Christ is integrated into our own life. It's not a separation that takes us to a mountaintop where we don't ever come off that mountaintop. It's the way that we integrate it in everywhere that everywhere that we go so that we can have a good time. And I've said this earlier that that kids are more lost than rebellious. I always tell kids, hey, if you get lost, you're always welcome here.
And if you get lost, I'm coming to look for you. And they know I will. I let them know this, and it's a statement that I've made a number of times. There's nothing you can do to make me love you more. There's nothing you can do to make me love you less.
Family is that permanent is that is that permanent, harbor in a constant storm. And I would tell you this, provide a place of of rest for your kids in some way. Hopefully, of the things we've talked about will help change the way you engage with your kids. Provide a respite from the intensity of the world that they live in, kinda like that tsunami wave of influence that's cutting their legs out from underneath them, and let them know there's a place where they're loved regardless of the choices they make. It becomes important, very important.
And here's a couple of things. I I just wanna get this thing. I mean, it's... If you're having problems with rules and all that stuff, then make sure that you're diving in to some of this by coming up with consequences, rules, and such. The other thing is there's this book.
It's it's prayers for my teen. It's really written just a a one page deal to help you think about your kiddos, put them on the forefront of, you know, that front burner so you know what they're dealing with, and you just get to spend some time thinking about them and and always be reflecting on how I engage differently with your kids. That's one of the books. You can like us on Facebook. You can go to Facebook now.
Go to Parenting Today's team. Like us on that thing, but get that, what kind of parent am I email that went out yesterday. And it's kind of a test you can take. And it's sort it's it's kind of funny. Why a guy from, Southern Texas sent it back.
He goes, this thing is really funny. My wife and I are laughing as we read it. But it's a fun reflection on just determining what kind of parent you are. You'd love that. You can listen to us...
I'm sorry, let me back up. You can listen to us on on, Family Talk, XM, Sirius, or you can listen to us on the radio station here. We're not on K Love, but we're on Moody. The... And just remember whenever you hear Moody, it's...
Like that. And they love me telling the story there whenever I'm there. It's interesting to me that that last week at at kind of their big shindig that they have where they were reporting on radio and all that. We're a weekend program. There's other people that are daily programs that we're in their top three programs for their listenership.
After all that we went through with them and and the differences between me and them and and all that stuff, they're they're a good group. So you can listen on Moody. Here's the other way you get it. You can download our app. Go to the app and just get it.
It's Parenting Today's Teens, and you can listen to our sixty second spots, or you can look through all the topics and find weekend programs that are dedicated to any issue that you have asked me about. There's hundreds of programs there. So take advantage of that, and you can just put it on your phone, you can listen. People start the morning with those. People listen while they're exercising, whatever it is, just listen.
I think we have more people listening to us this way than they do the other. You can download our our daily podcast, and it'll be, downloaded into your iTunes immediately, and and, you can listen there. Here's the other thing I would tell you, and take this. Does that mean I'm finished? Five minutes.
That there's a family in crisis conference that we have. And this is a a great opportunity for anybody that is think... Is going is going beyond what we thought it was gonna be. It's kind of a mess. We feel like our family's falling apart.
I would tell you, do not send your kids to us yet. Come to a family in crisis conference. Do that. 95% of the people who come to a family in crisis conference don't have to send their child to come live with us. And so...
And except you guys were part of the 5% that that, didn't make it because you didn't listen. And and so so come to that first and and we have one even next week and I don't think our next one is until February... March. And so take advantage of that. If you're a single mom or a single dad, it's free for you, compliments of the Texas Rangers.
And so so it really single moms and dads get to do everything for us free. Thanks for the opportunity to be here. It really has been refreshing to to get away to Jackson Hole and and not have like a billion people at this thing where we can spend some time talking. I think I've answered most of the questions that you've asked. I know there's a couple of them that I haven't and so I'm game to stay after and answer those things if you want and and...
But just thank you for the opportunity. Thanks for opening your church and allow us to to be here. And and thank you to you guys for helping put this thing on.
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