Scripture referenced 10 passages
The passage this message was preached from, in full, with every other passage it reached for.
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1 Corinthians 2 mentioned as something being studied that week, in the context of quoting scripture coming across as judgmental to kids
1 When I came to you, brothers, I didn’t come with excellence of speech or of wisdom, proclaiming to you the testimony of God.
2 For I determined not to know anything among you, except Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
3 I was with you in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling.
4 My speech and my preaching were not in persuasive words of human wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power,
5 that your faith wouldn’t stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.
6 We speak wisdom, however, among those who are full grown; yet a wisdom not of this world, nor of the rulers of this world, who are coming to nothing.
7 But we speak God’s wisdom in a mystery, the wisdom that has been hidden, which God foreordained before the worlds for our glory,
8 which none of the rulers of this world has known. For had they known it, they wouldn’t have crucified the Lord of glory.
9 But as it is written, “Things which an eye didn’t see, and an ear didn’t hear, which didn’t enter into the heart of man, these God has prepared for those who love him.”
10 But to us, God revealed them through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God.
11 For who among men knows the things of a man, except the spirit of the man, which is in him? Even so, no one knows the things of God, except God’s Spirit.
12 But we received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit which is from God, that we might know the things that were freely given to us by God.
13 Which things also we speak, not in words which man’s wisdom teaches, but which the Holy Spirit teaches, comparing spiritual things with spiritual things.
14 Now the natural man doesn’t receive the things of God’s Spirit, for they are foolishness to him, and he can’t know them, because they are spiritually discerned.
15 But he who is spiritual discerns all things, and he himself is judged by no one.
16 “For who has known the mind of the Lord, that he should instruct him?” But we have Christ’s mind.
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Keep this verse
Proverbs (unspecified)
a fool delights in airing his opinion, and a fool appears wise when he keeps his mouth shut
Keep this verse1 Corinthians 13 (implied)
for now I see in a mirror dimly, used in context of not having all the answers about God's ways
1 If I speak with the languages of men and of angels, but don’t have love, I have become sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal.
2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but don’t have love, I am nothing.
3 If I give away all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body to be burned, but don’t have love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love is patient and is kind; love doesn’t envy. Love doesn’t brag, is not proud,
5 doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil;
6 doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will be done away with. Where there are various languages, they will cease. Where there is knowledge, it will be done away with.
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part;
10 but when that which is complete has come, then that which is partial will be done away with.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have put away childish things.
12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, even as I was also fully known.
13 But now faith, hope, and love remain—these three. The greatest of these is love.
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Galatians 6:9
do not grow weary in doing good for in due time you will reap if you surely sow
9 Let us not be weary in doing good, for we will reap in due season, if we don’t give up.
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Jeremiah 17:5
cursed is the man who puts his trust in man, used in context of not fully trusting kids
5 Yahweh says: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man, relies on strength of flesh, and whose heart departs from Yahweh.
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Proverbs 18 (unspecified verse)
if you rescue an angry man once you will just have to rescue him again, used in context of not bailing kids out of consequences
1 An unfriendly man pursues selfishness, and defies all sound judgment.
2 A fool has no delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own opinion.
3 When wickedness comes, contempt also comes, and with shame comes disgrace.
4 The words of a man’s mouth are like deep waters. The fountain of wisdom is like a flowing brook.
5 To be partial to the faces of the wicked is not good, nor to deprive the innocent of justice.
6 A fool’s lips come into strife, and his mouth invites beatings.
7 A fool’s mouth is his destruction, and his lips are a snare to his soul.
8 The words of a gossip are like dainty morsels: they go down into a person’s innermost parts.
9 One who is slack in his work is brother to him who is a master of destruction.
10 Yahweh’s name is a strong tower: the righteous run to him, and are safe.
11 The rich man’s wealth is his strong city, like an unscalable wall in his own imagination.
12 Before destruction the heart of man is proud, but before honor is humility.
13 He who gives answer before he hears, that is folly and shame to him.
14 A man’s spirit will sustain him in sickness, but a crushed spirit, who can bear?
15 The heart of the discerning gets knowledge. The ear of the wise seeks knowledge.
16 A man’s gift makes room for him, and brings him before great men.
17 He who pleads his cause first seems right; until another comes and questions him.
18 The lot settles disputes, and keeps strong ones apart.
19 A brother offended is more difficult than a fortified city; and disputes are like the bars of a fortress.
20 A man’s stomach is filled with the fruit of his mouth. With the harvest of his lips he is satisfied.
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue; those who love it will eat its fruit.
22 Whoever finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor of Yahweh.
23 The poor plead for mercy, but the rich answer harshly.
24 A man of many companions may be ruined, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
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Matthew 11:28
come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and you will find rest, contrasted with constant correction and nagging
28 “Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest.
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Psalm 139 (unspecified)
Lord search me know my heart see if there is any hurtful way in me and lead me in the way everlasting
1 Yahweh, you have searched me, and you know me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up. You perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue, but, behold, Yahweh, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in behind and before. You laid your hand on me.
6 This knowledge is beyond me. It’s lofty. I can’t attain it.
7 Where could I go from your Spirit? Or where could I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend up into heaven, you are there. If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the dawn, and settle in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10 Even there your hand will lead me, and your right hand will hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me; the light around me will be night”;
12 even the darkness doesn’t hide from you, but the night shines as the day. The darkness is like light to you.
13 For you formed my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. My soul knows that very well.
15 My frame wasn’t hidden from you, when I was made in secret, woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my body. In your book they were all written, the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is their sum!
18 If I would count them, they are more in number than the sand. When I wake up, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would kill the wicked. Get away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 For they speak against you wickedly. Your enemies take your name in vain.
21 Yahweh, don’t I hate those who hate you? Am I not grieved with those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred. They have become my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart. Try me, and know my thoughts.
24 See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.
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Proverbs 22:6
train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it, used twice in context of letting children grow toward independence
6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
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Recap
The message in order, in a few minutes of reading.
This was a parenting seminar, not a single sermon, delivered by Mark at First Baptist Jackson. Mark worked through how parents of teenagers can stay close enough to their kids to actually influence them, without abandoning what they believe or pretending to be something they are not. The thread running through everything was a simple conviction: if you have a discipline problem, you have a relationship problem.
What was said
Mark opened by talking honestly about his own shifting views on things like medical marijuana and how he engages with people in same-sex relationships. His point was not that truth changes, but that the way he approaches people has changed as he has gotten older and spent more time with people who are hurting. He said he is still not moving on his belief that marriage is between a man and a woman, but he is done being known for what he will not tolerate. He wants to be known for how he loves people. He quoted a comment Don Henley made to him at a funeral: "There'd be a lot more love in this world if it wasn't for Christians," and said that haunted him.
He spent a long stretch on the gap between what parents intend to communicate and what teenagers actually hear. Teenagers hear judgment far more often than parents realize, and judgment builds walls. Mark argued that the church and Christian parents have been so focused on teaching and correcting that they have forgotten to ask questions and listen. A George Barna statistic he cited put it starkly: 95% of unchurched people describe the church first as homophobic. That, he said, is not what any of us should want to be known for.
He pushed hard on the idea of parental imperfection as a tool for connection. During the younger years, kids look up to parents as nearly perfect, and then adolescence hits and they discover they are not. If parents have never admitted their own failures and struggles, teenagers feel alone in their imperfection and stop talking. Mark encouraged parents to share things from their own past, not every detail, but enough to signal that the door is open and that failure is not the end of the conversation.
He walked through what he called the three circles: the relationship, the structure of the home, and the issues the child is actually dealing with underneath the behavior. He kept returning to the idea that visible behavior is always symptomatic of something deeper, and that consequences and rules, which belong in the structure circle, will not reach the heart if the relationship circle is broken. He used the Socratic method of just asking the next question rather than supplying answers, and said that his best counseling sessions with teenagers often consist mostly of him saying "Wow. Really?"
The section on control and trust was pointed. He read from a family code of conduct that ran from worship practices to red meat consumption to credit card philosophy, all handed to a fifteen-year-old who was already smoking constantly, and said the kid chose a military school over living at home. His argument was that the tighter parents clamp down without relationship underneath it, the more teenagers fight back or shut down. He said the goal is to move a child from dependence to independence gradually across the teenage years, giving them real decisions to make and real consequences to live with, so that by the time they leave home they have actually practiced using their own judgment.
He closed by coming back to the theme of grace and moving toward people when everything in you wants to walk away. He told the story of cutting off his own son at the moment his son needed him most, and said that was wrong regardless of what his son had done. He quoted Tolkien: "Faithless is he who disappears when the road darkens." He framed forgiveness as giving up hope that you will ever have a better past, and said that is what allows a parent to keep moving toward a child instead of being locked behind what he called the barred gates of the citadel.
Doing a Bible study?
Here is a guide we have prepared for you: the passages in order, questions for the group, and room to write.
- Mark talked about things he once held as important that he has since reconsidered, and things he has not budged on at all. What is one conviction you have held tightly as a parent, and how do you decide whether it is worth holding or worth revisiting?
- Mark said that when a child smokes pot or acts out, the behavior is symptomatic of something deeper going on. Think about a time when you responded to the behavior rather than the underlying need. What might have been different if you had asked more questions first?
and 3 more questions in the guide
Read the full transcript 24,392 words
0:00
Okay, how do I take what I know to be true and apply it to a world that is shifting and changing? And what are some of the things that what are the some of the things that I can fudge on a little bit or change or or adapt and still get across what needs to be gotten across, you know, with with realizing what's important and what's not. What hell am I going to die on? What things are important and you know, and I found that there's some things that aren't important as I get older and the things that I've held to that had been so important. I'm not so sure that they always are.
0:37
I mean, my dad used to think that hair was an important thing and that's probably why I grew it out. I had longer hair than anybody in this room and and a beard that was just huge and it was just to kind of just look at him and go, you know, kind of thing. And it ruined our it ruined our relationship for a while. But what it you kind of go, was it really important? And so, were there things when we grew up that our parents thought were important that we found out now, they really weren't important.
1:06
So, if that's true, what is it today that we think import is important that ten years from now, twenty years from now, really won't be important? Do you all ever spend time thinking about that? Because when I look at that, I go, then I wanna I wanna make sure I'm focusing on something that's gonna last, not something that's that's just non important and it's going to shift and it's going to be different and and so so there's always that challenge and when I said something about somebody's trying to get in with something. A gun. And when I made the comment about Hillary Clinton yesterday about her evolving statement, It it's you know, I I think we do evolve in a culture and we shift with the culture so we don't disengage from those people that we're called to be involved with.
2:05
And and and but the challenge is always, how do I take what I know to be true and apply it to that world? Girls in same sex relationships, the marijuana thing. Has your view changed on marijuana a little bit? It has for me. You know, and and and here's the thing.
2:25
And and and it changes the way that I approach it. And it was interesting when the the lady gave me the newspaper last night that none of you read that that in there it says, legalization of marijuana or medical marijuana. Okay, I've got enough friends that are going through chemotherapy that I've got a dear friend who's anesthesiologist who is for medical marijuana. Medical marijuana is a little bit different than than it's it doesn't have all the THC in it. It just has the benefits that are there.
3:01
All those studies are being done in Jerusalem and and that's amazing. What's happening, what they're finding with that and but yet people lop it with recreational use. Let's get a buzz all the time. It's two different birds. I mean, it's just two different things and so I look at it differently and I think I look at it differently for a couple of reasons.
3:22
One of those reasons, because I have so many friends that are dying and are going through something and I go, let them do anything. I don't care if it's going to make them more comfortable. I mean, and so, that's the one. If it's if it can do something with Parkinson's, if it could help my wife with the with the nerve damage that she's had done in her leg and how, you know, all that stuff. I go, I I I would be all for it.
3:46
You know, because we're not we're not talking about everybody getting a buzz. We're talking about something medically that can benefit and it is a lot safer than most of the meds that that we take. That's why it's prescription. That's why it's triplicate form. That's why it's all this other stuff.
3:58
I'm not here to promote that but as but I I noticed I'm shifting in some of my thoughts on that. I'm not shifting on my my thoughts on homosexuality even marriage. I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman But I but it's interesting how I look at things differently now and spend I spend a lot of time with girls in same sex relationships. And I don't spend time with them in that relationship, but helping them in those did I clarify myself okay on that? That didn't sound too good, did it?
4:30
And so so I look at it and it's a little bit different because it's because I'm I'm trying to figure out how do I take what I know to be true and bring it into a world that's shifting. And so what used to be eliminating, now I want to embrace in some way to offer something that they're not going to get anywhere else. You follow me? I think kids are very anxious. I think that forty eight percent of kids, according to the American Journal of Psychiatry, forty eight percent of adolescents can be diagnosed under the DSM-five.
5:02
It's a diagnostic manual where they actually diagnose a child. But what we're finding is anxiety levels and depression levels are just skyrocketing. I think it's a response to the culture that has shifted. And in in in most of us, we, you know, when we when we go through depression or we go get anxious, there's a there's something about spending time with people and engaging and doing things that that help. Well, in the absence of relationships, when you go through those tough times, I think it's a response to the culture that that we're living in.
5:36
It's creating more stress with our kids. So when a kid's smoking pot, I go, I get it. Because remember, I I think I said this last night, and and if not, it bears repeating. Or if I did, it bears repeating. That what you see is is not the issue.
5:53
The behavior that you see in a child is is symptomatic of something else that's going on in a child's life. And so if a child's smoking pot, I'm always going it used to I smoked enough pot when I was at Oklahoma State University for a year to make up for everybody in this room, it seems like. I didn't go to class because I was always doing something else but it was it it was just fun. That was it. There wasn't any anything else to it.
6:19
But I think kids today, it's a little bit different. When you start looking at them saying, I'm doing it for fun. It's not as much fun. I'm doing it to belong. I'm doing it to to find rest and peace in my life.
6:31
I'm doing it to be normal. I'm all these different things. There's a there's a whole line of issues. And so I'm always going, they're dealing with their own depression. They're self medicating.
6:42
It looks a little bit different than it used to. And so the way that I treat somebody doing that is far different than I used to treat them as well. You following me? It's a it it it's a I think it's a it's a it's a fine line that that I think every one of us wrestle with that. That how do I how do I how do I get close enough to the edge to offer?
7:04
I feel like I'm the catcher in the ride basically. You know, that's how do I how do I walk on the edge that I can be something to people that are going to fall off if if if I'm not there. And when I say I, I'm talking about all of us. But still remain relevant to offer them something that they can embrace, then I'm not eliminating them because of my stance on certain things. You follow me?
7:31
Because I think I I think we've all been lost. People just get lost in different ways and in different places. And so if they're lost, like we talked about yesterday, then I I want to be there. I I I want to be involved in their life. I mean, it's and I'm not an evangelist.
7:48
I I mean, I'm not one of those guys. Well, I gotta go lead him to lord and kind of the new kind of counseling that brings him life. If you just get your life right with the Lord, then everything's fine. I go, I know plenty of people that have their life right with the Lord and everything's a mess and so so I think it's more about helping people understand God's plan in this thing and and trying to embrace it and I I don't know the answers to all of that either. You know, a lady asked me the other day whose grandson that this lady used to be on our board.
8:18
She helped us start Heartlight. Her and her husband. Her husband has Alzheimer's. Can't even remember anything. The little girl lived with us when she was pregnant, gave a baby up for adoption.
8:27
And now she's 40 years old, 44, 45 years old. Her 16 year old son just died last week of cancer, had cancer of the knee. This is one of those crazy, crazy cancers that just went, and nailed everything. ESPN did a little deal on him this morning. You can find it on Facebook, I'm sure, or look around.
8:49
But they did a story on him because he connected with a coach named Les Miles down at Louisiana State. And the mother asked me a question two weeks ago. She said, well, we're praying for a miracle. We're praying for a miracle. We're praying for a miracle.
9:05
Mark, do you think that God heals? And I knew this kid was going to die. And you've seen it a million times, haven't you? Pray, pray, pray. And sometimes I think what we're doing is adjusting ourselves and it doesn't take away from God's ability to to heal.
9:26
I think if if God wanted me to stand on my head and spit nickels, you know, he could he he could, you know, flick his fingers. I'd do that in a heartbeat. I think he can do anything. But it's interesting because I know that he can do that and I'm faced with situations that I know where it's headed. And I've got three friends that are dying right now.
9:47
And one just died, and it's going to be the next two over the next few months. And it's just and you kinda go, he could. He could. He could snap his fingers, but will he? And I kinda go, yeah, don't think he is in this situation, city.
10:05
I just don't think he's gonna do it. Like if I if if I share more or if I would pray more, then he would. I go, really? That was the whole thing. I you know, we've got another girl who's dying that that they on Thursday night, called and they had probably had hundreds of thousand people.
10:24
Like, if more people prayed, if you just get more people praying, then God will hear it more. And I said, stop and listen to that for a minute. Is is that how a father does it? That if you just do more? And I don't think people think about that in their twenties as much as when you get a little bit older and you see it a lot more that you start going, okay.
10:49
I'm trying to take what I know to be true and apply it to a situation that I'm kinda dumbfounded in sometimes. So there's things in scripture, there's things that I go, I don't know. I just don't know. This is, for now I see in a mirror dimly. And I think one day, you know, I'm gonna stand before God and I'm gonna go, hey, tell me about this situation.
11:13
What in the world were you trying to do there? Why did you allow this to happen? What was this about? What was this about? You know, and I'm sure that I'll see it one day but I don't see it now.
11:25
So in the time that I'm not seeing things and offering something to people around me, I think I have to be careful about how I engage. Because I think all of scripture is is not for the gathering of knowledge. I don't think it's for the gathering of how everything ought to operate. I don't think that all of scripture is so that I could I get a bigger mansion when I get to the end of my life or that I'm known well. I think I think scripture is to teach us how to love like God loves and how to love people.
11:59
I I mean, when you boil it all down, for me, that's what it is. I was with a guy guy named Don Henley. He wrote a a song years ago called Hotel Wyoming and and he the lady that raised him was a lady by the name of Earlene Lefoy and she lives in Hallsville, Texas. She'd lived there and it was her funeral. And I'd known her for ten years or so and and but she was his nanny growing up and lived in home and babysat him and all that while he grew up.
12:34
And so he came to the wedding set. When he came to the funeral, he sat up front. And so I walked in. It was a small church, and I walked up front just sat next to him. I go, hey, Mark.
12:43
I'm gone. Cool. You know? And and so sat there and just talked. I knew who he was.
12:47
He didn't know know who I was. And and at the end of it, we walk up and we see Arlene in the casket and that's, well, what great? You know, I mean, I you don't know what to say quite honestly. You come back and sit down and and I said, hey, what do you think about all this church stuff? Because I knew where he was on a lot of things.
13:09
He's from East Texas and and he said, you know what? He said, Mark, there'd be a lot more love in this world if it wasn't for Christians. And that started me thinking, why in the world are we known as that? You know, and and I and I tell kids all the time. I mean, and kids know this about me.
13:32
I I don't tolerate anything. I mean, I'm just one of those guys that don't tolerate anything. But that's not what I want to be known for. What I want to be known for is how I love people. And so there's a difference between the two.
13:44
I still don't tolerate anything, but I wanna love well. And so if I'm loving well, I mean, because as I said, if you have a discipline problem, you have a relationship problem. There's something that's broken down in that. So what I wanna do is make sure that I'm loving well, and I'm known more for that than anything else. George Barna of the Barna Group, did a study and said that 95% of unchurched people in this country look at the church.
14:11
And you know what they say about the church? 95%, the number one word that's used, it's homophobic. Really, is that what we want to be known as? Not me. Not me at all.
14:27
And so I look at it. I want to be known how I love people. Now, do I can I still love people that are sinning? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
14:34
Yeah. I can love you guys. You can love me. We're all a mess. You know, we're all in a mess in need of a savior.
14:42
And I and I go and and the minute I think that I'm not that anymore is when I become judgmental because I lose sight that I've I've been lost. So, even when you look at your kids, they'll be lost one day because everybody gets lost if they're not already And if you don't change the way you engage with them, the judgment will push them away even more. Following me? I think it's important to realize because there's a part of it where it all becomes down to attitude. When we start talking about how are we to our kids, if we're to parent our kids as God parents us, then we're to be that living reflection of his presence in our life that offers something.
15:21
And I for one really believe that it has more to do with my actions, as we said last night, when you move up into the training years, ages 13 through 19, that it's more about who I am and how I'm perceived and the way they see me engaged than it is about what I do. Do you notice that as you get older and people say, what do you do? I go, that really doesn't matter. That really doesn't matter at all. I mean, works, everybody does something.
15:51
It has everything to do with who I am. And so it it shifts a little bit and I think that's what our kids are looking for. When we talked last night about the perfection thing, and I would encourage you to do this because I I wanna make sure we point this out and do it well. The perfection thing is impossible. It can't happen.
16:09
But do this, text your kids right now and just pull out your phone and just text them, do you think we want you to be perfect? And see what they say. It'll add some discussion, you know, whenever you see them later on. Do you think we want you to be perfect? If if if you're older like me, you may wanna say, do you do you think that we wanted you to be perfect?
16:32
And it's that imagery that comes across because it's it's not perfection that that engages people like I said last night. Focus on the family came to me a few years ago and they said, we'd like for you to be our speaker for a Canadian tour. I went, why? I mean, why me? And they said, well, we read one of your books and I said, well, which one was it?
16:56
When your teen is struggling. And I go, you guys, I'm not I'm not your guy. And why not? And I said, I'm just not perfect like you guys. You guys wear khaki pants.
17:07
I mean, it's you guys wear and I anybody's wearing khaki pants, my apologies. You know? And I said, you guys wear khaki pants and the shirts that are just different. Nobody has boots. Nobody has this or that.
17:19
Yeah. I I go, and all your pictures of everybody, they're just perfect people, you know, with perfect little families and perfect kids. And I said, you don't have any pictures of teens in anything because none of them would embrace what you're doing. I mean, but all little kids think that it's great, but teens know. I I I said that I'm a mess.
17:41
If if I have a day that I don't spend more than five minutes thinking about myself, it's a good day for me. I have a I have a marriage. I don't have a great marriage. I've got a good marriage, and we've been married forty years. I'm not I'm kind of a mess, she's a mess, our kids are a mess, everybody around me is a mess, the parents I deal with are a mess, the kids I deal with are a mess.
18:02
I'm just not your guy. He said, that's why we need you. And it's that old equation that says, you just do these things that it'll turn out just like this. Well, how many of you all have done that? Yeah.
18:16
And did it turn out that way? No, it didn't turn out that way. It's always a little bit different. It deceives us for a while. It makes us feel like we're great parents and we're doing something well and we are during those early years.
18:27
But the shift has got to start happening. So my comment last night, I begin to share things with kids about imperfections. It's not keeping the the mode of of always sharing something perfect. They wanna hear the imperfection. I call it the princess brawl.
18:44
You know, when kids go to the middle school. And the princess brawl is when everybody's wearing their little tiaras and and they go off to middle school and and they think, oh, this is so good and they've got their new outfits on for the first time going to school, especially the girls and and it's just so pretty and so nice and those kids come back home and they go, the world's not perfect anymore. Everything's changed. This is a mess. I've got zits.
19:10
I'm awkward. I'm starting my period. I I you know, guys are feeling lanky and they've got four hairs under their arms and they begin to stink and all that other, you know, and and it's just life isn't what I thought it was and so mom and dad who've been who've been looked up to as being perfect, you know? Now, the kids don't like being with them because they're perfect because they're being told they're imperfect. One of the greatest shifts that can happen is for a parent to start sharing things with their child to show their imperfection.
19:45
Are y'all are were there things that happened to you in high school that your parents didn't know about? Maybe there's things that your child's going through that you don't know about. Maybe there's something going on that they're longing to hear of imperfection so they feel comfortable sharing those things to engage. Now, that doesn't mean, it doesn't mean when your child comes to you and ask questions about stuff that you're, you give all the details about it. Yeah, it was a hot August night in the back of a '68 Chevy.
20:13
Yeah, yeah, it's it's not that. But you're really longing for the time that your child will come to you and ask the questions. Aren't you? It's what you've been practicing for all your life. This is what I long for.
20:27
I long for a child to come and say, hey, dad. You ever smoke pot when you're in college? Let's talk about that. You're waiting for that time because what's happening is everything your child believes is coming to the point that they're going, okay, how do I figure this out? I'm trying to figure out what's going on.
20:52
Now, if they're 12, it may be, you know what? I'll answer that question when you turn 15. But if they're 15, I'll go, you know, I did. And that's why I'm against it so much now. But I want you to know that this blah blah blah blah.
21:04
Hey, mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Do you have sex before you get married?
21:09
Oh, no. Don't you just kinda don't anybody nod their head and say yes. Okay. Just that because I gotta make sure I look at everybody when I say that because somebody will go, who told him? You know, and and but it's a question that that it's a question you're what you're waiting for.
21:26
This is what you've been practicing for all your life. You want your child. You wanna create the atmosphere that they can come to you and ask you anything. You know, just as just as scripture would say that that that if you want wisdom, pray and God will give you wisdom. You're looking for the opportunity.
21:40
If I'm to be to my kids who God is to me, that whenever they go through something because of who I am, they can come to me and ask that question. And if they're 16, 15, 16, well, let me tell you something. Because what they're asking about is the issue of, okay, how do I deal with this? How do I take what I know to be true? Is it okay if I messed up?
22:02
Because that message that I told you last night, there's nothing you can do to make me love you more. There's nothing you can do to make me love you less. It's when your child comes and says, I think I'm gay. When your child comes, go, I had sex for the first time last night. When your child comes home drunk, you think your child will drink during high school?
22:20
The answer is yes to that. Now I've always wanted to write a book called, I always get the title kind of mixed up. But it's The word just slipped my mind, Sam. Moderation. Moderation.
22:45
No, I'll come up with it here in a minute. It is, it's moderation. It's something in moderation. Discernment and moderation in a permissive culture. I think it'd be a hard book to write.
23:01
But in a permissive culture that allows things, I I wanna be on the edge that is teaching my child something, so that I can be there to speak truth into their life as they're going through it, not waiting. And and my comment's always been, you can raise your kids to live in a zoo where you can prepare them to survive in the jungle. And I believe in teaching discernment. I believe in the latter. I believe in helping them as they prepare for that time.
23:27
I I I don't wanna ignore it. And I don't wanna isolate my kids from interaction either because it prepares them for that next step of life. And my point is this, is that perfection is impossible. You're not gonna get there. They know it.
23:41
And so as you start to share things about your life, you engage with them differently. You follow me? Well, let me get through these things because I I think it's important. I think this is still on and that's why we're getting a little bit of feedback. Can I give this back to you?
23:57
Not feedback, but a little bit of makes me sound like I have a nasal tone. Perfect parents, perfect kids, and a perfect home don't exist. Every child encounters imperfection. Let me back up. And teaching your kids to live in a zoo or training them to survive in the jungle becomes key.
24:14
The second thing is the authority can't be forced. This isn't the world that says, because I said so, does it anymore? And I was telling you yesterday that it's the reason that respect has got to be earned. It's not given readily. It it is respect is given down here easily.
24:32
My dad expected us to respect him the way he treated us early. He used to beat the fat out of us. He used to, you know, I mean, the do y'all remember that? Taking the belt off? My mom always do you all remember that?
24:47
Well, in the South, that always happened all the time. My my it was funny because my mom used to say she's been dead for a few years and and she used to say, you know, your your dad never disciplined you boys that much at all. And I go, mom, what have you been smoking? You know what mean? You gotta be kidding me.
25:06
And then it was and then it was when I started writing books, she said, I want you to know, I never had anything to do with the way your dad disciplined you guys. And because he did it old school, that's what you did. So we respected him, we honored him, we listened, but when we got into these adolescent years, but we hate you, but I still respected him. And so would you rather have respect and hate, or win respect and have a child that loves you for it. Well, it just shifts.
25:43
It's a little bit different. It works down on this side. It doesn't on this side when we're talking about this 13 to 19 age. And the other thing, teens change because of relationship. They don't change because of authority.
25:56
They don't. And so, I mean, work all you want. I mean, I I've got 60 kids that live with us. If I went in, I can exert my authority because it's God given. I mean, God has placed us in a position of parenting and they ought to do it.
26:10
It's not going to work. Because they don't respond that way, because they don't look at parents that way. They just look completely different at those people that are in authority. And the last thing is the judgment builds walls. You think it's training, they hear judgment.
26:26
And it's important to understand this. That's why I'm kinda going over it again. When I come across to a child and say, well, you know, scripture says this, it immediately becomes judgmental. And so I don't always want to use the words, what scripture says. I remember in first Corinthians two it says, you know what y'all are studying this week?
26:50
You know, because to to a group of kids sometimes wherever that is, it it they feel like, well, now God's against me. And so I kind of build it in. There's a radio station in Houston that won't carry our program because we don't identify scripture every time we quote it. And I'm going, are you serious? And the guy's a nice guy.
27:15
I can't remember his name. Bruce Munsterman. And he's a nice, nicest guy in the world. I said, so Bruce, what you're telling me is if I don't quote where scripture's from, that it's not really scripture? He says, well I don't believe that, but people on our board do.
27:34
I go, that's ridiculous. Because there's a tendency, if I quoted every scripture that I have in books, most men would put it down. And they'd go, oh, now you're trying to beat me up. Women get into it a little bit more. I mean, don't know why.
27:51
Maybe they like more words or something, but I'm joking. But men just don't read it that way. I mean, it's just they look at things a little bit differently. And so what happens is it comes across as judgmental. Now, I want to convey the same things that you do when I'm talking to kids.
28:12
I just approach it differently because I know if kids always hear it as being judgmental, then I wanna move the other way and come in the back door. See, I I think we do well raising our kids and teaching them. And I mean, there's now 25,000 youth ministries in this country that offer kids things. I mean, there there's from young life to campus life, to his life, to whose life, to what's life, to Awana, I don't wanna. You know, there's, I mean, there's all these different ministries that are everywhere.
28:41
There's books written. I mean, we treat kids like they're little demigods and training them up. And so what they don't want when they get up in the adolescent years is more teaching. They want more, how do I apply this stuff? That's why every high school in this country would do well, taking an hour and having small groups and have seniors lead it, teaching those seniors how to lead just a small group of allowing kids to connect.
29:10
But I mean, sometimes I I think I think we think we're training our kids, but we're really coming across as being judgmental. I know that the homosexual issue, which is hot right now, the marijuana issue, which is hot, those things, the transgender thing is pretty hot right now, that that I gotta make sure that I'm not coming across as being judgmental. So I will make comments, hey, I don't wanna be judgmental. I don't wanna be judgmental. I don't want I I don't want you to be perfect.
29:39
Please hear me. I don't want you to be perfect. I don't text your kids. Ask them the question. Do you think we're judgmental parents?
29:46
And see what they say. They go, what? One, they might be shocked that you're asking them a question like that because usually it's, well, what are you doing today? What did that blah blah blah. But when you stop sharing your opinion, like scripture would say, you know, this the fool delights in airing his opinion.
30:05
Fool also appears wise when he keeps his mouth shut. That if you start asking questions of a child and have them move toward you, then you're valuing them in some way, but you're teaching them how to ask questions. With the idea of this, that you want them to come back to you and ask you questions. Are you ready to are you ready to to to answer some of those things when your kids ask questions? Well, I'll tell you this.
30:33
Remember I told you yesterday that this is where you give all the answers? And this up here, this 13 to 19 is where you give all the questions. Even when kids ask me questions, I don't give them the answers. I give them another question. It's I mean, it's I just always give them another question.
30:55
Sweetheart, why do you do the things you do? I don't know. I've always done these things. Why have you done these things this way? I don't know.
31:00
I started when I was in like third or fourth grade. Well, what happened in third or fourth grade? Well, some people made some comments. Why did people make some comments? Why I just was kinda awkward?
31:07
Why were you so awkward? I don't know, I just didn't fit in. Why didn't you fit in? Well, things were happening at home. What was happening at home?
31:13
Oh, just everybody was ignoring stuff. What do mean they were ignoring stuff? Well, nobody knew that my granddad was doing something to me. Your granddad was doing something you, nobody did. Why didn't anybody do anything?
31:22
Well, they were afraid the family was gonna fall apart? Why were they afraid of family? Well, it's always been kind of a mess. Why has this always been a mess? Well, I don't know, we just kind of grew up that way.
31:30
Why did you grow up that way? I don't know, we've always tolerated it. Why do you tolerate that? Well, I don't know. Nobody really loves each other.
31:37
Why didn't everybody love each other? We've never been loved. Why have you never been loved? I'm always finding it somewhere else. Why are you finding it somewhere else?
31:46
See what see what I'm doing? It's called the Socratic method. Socrates, the method of asking questions. And you let them come to conclusions. Most of my counseling sessions that I have with kids, and I'm not a counselor.
31:58
My as I said yesterday, my degree is in in in real estate investments with a with a semester of law school just to make you dangerous, make you feel like you can BS your way out of everything. But most of my counseling sessions with kids are this. My responses are, wow, really? Wow. Really?
32:27
No. Really? Kid gets up and leaves, that's the best counseling session I've ever had. Something about it, something about listening, something about engaging differently, you know, about asking questions and stuff. When you go eat with your daughter at lunch today, it's sitting there, don't share one opinion about anything.
32:50
Hey, what do you think about this? I don't know. What do think about this? I have no idea. Let me ask you that.
32:58
Let me I'll talk to you about that next week. Well, you wanna go shopping? No, I really don't. Well, you wanna I mean, men go eat, women go shopping. You know I mean?
33:07
It's just it's just kind of a natural because we don't know how to replace it with good conversation that's non informational and more about wisdom. And so what I come up with is questions that I'm gonna ask kids beforehand and say, here's some things that that we need to talk about. Hey, let me ask you about this. And then we start that question thing, and they think it's unbelievable. My point is that that sometimes when we if we don't come across the right way to kids, they begin to feel like we're being judgmental.
33:36
And judgment has an amazing way of pushing people away. Kids will go, Mark's not judgmental. Even though I'm churning on the inside, I have my thoughts about things. I just don't share them because I know it's gonna push somebody away. And if it pushes somebody away, then I'll never have the opportunity to draw them into something different.
33:56
A young lady that says, will you do my wedding if I marry a girl? No, I won't. Will you come to the wedding? Oh, yeah. I'll be there.
34:05
And somebody looked at me and said, well, why would you do that? Because I love the girl, that's why. I'm there. It's her wedding. I love her.
34:12
Yeah, but you're condoning it. I have nothing to do with that. I'm moving. It's almost like, and it's changing the way that we engage. This really has nothing to do with us.
34:23
Have you all read Rick Warren's book? What's the name of that book? It's sold like 30 copies or something. Purpose Driven Life. What's the first sentence in the book?
34:32
This isn't about you. It's about them. Discipline is helping a child get to where they wanna go and keeping them from where they don't want to end up. When you enter into, this is that first through twelve years, you know, one through 12, this is the 13 through 19, this this is punishment here when you have consequences for things. This is discipline here because this helps get you where you wanna go and it keeps you from ending up where you don't wanna end up.
35:02
This is about you. This isn't about me. That's not what I believe anymore. It's not all those things. I am helping them to get them to a good spot because there's a reason behind the scripture that we've taught them and that's where it's moving it from information to what?
35:20
Wisdom. And that wisdom is saying to them, here's the motive behind the scripture. God doesn't wanna be a policeman and do this. He wants to help you in life and help you in relationships. This is why he set some standards for us.
35:34
It's the relational standards. Just about every one of them that you look at in the context of of a struggling teen or in relationships, it's amazing where it goes. And so I just engage differently. We'll talk about that here in a minute. But my point is that judgment becomes key.
35:50
And a break from constant correction is needed. I'll say it later and I'll say it now. Only correct your kids on like Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Quit correcting them all the time. Especially you guys that have kids that are two, four, six, and eight, and 10.
36:07
Because in about eight years, you're gonna be in a mess if you always correct them all the time. Because they're not I mean, they just feel like I'm hearing judgment. Every time they come home, this is what done wrong, this is how you can do it better, This is what you need to do different next time and if you keep doing that, your child will find rest somewhere. Scripture says, come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and you will find correction for your soul. You will find judgement for your soul.
36:40
You will find constant nagging and battering. You'll find that we'll fix you. It says, you'll find rest. And so that's what my hope is, is that we provide that place of rest. And usually the rest comes in the relationships that you have, not the conditions of your home.
36:59
Well, we'll just get a bigger big screen TV. That's how dads justify. They came out with a 150 incher. I think we need to get it to help our kids. You know, I mean, it's or we'll buy more toys to do more things.
37:12
I go, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the relationships that you have. But but a new model would look at it a little bit differently. We'll take a break here in a few minutes. And this is the only place that they have donuts with the centerpiece of Milky Ways and so I don't know what y'all eat up here, but evidently, it's a lot of sugar to stay warm.
37:36
And so we'll take a break and let y'all get those things. But I I wanna explain this. This is this is really another book. I can't remember the title of it, but because a group has come up with the title. But but it's saying, for us to offer hope to kids which I hope I I hope that we're offering hope that a child can feel like I can get through this.
37:56
It's dealing with three circles and one of those circles is this right here, the relationship circle. Okay, just follow with me on this thing, that there's a relationship circle. This is a piece of a home environment that I need to work on constantly. And because if you have a discipline problem, you have what? A relationship problem.
38:16
This is the structure of the home, how I build it. This is how we operate. It's kind of the policy and procedure manual. Here's the rules and consequences and all that stuff. This circle over here is dealing with the issues that come up with my child.
38:32
This could be medication, could be a psychiatrist, could be counseling, it could be getting a child help, having a meet with a mentor, it can be saying, These are the issues, let's talk about the issues. This will help control the issues. If you've a child smoking pot all the time, then this can control. Then we're going to do drug tests once a week to make sure you're not smoking pot. And the reason is because we feel like when you're smoking pot all the time, it takes you in a direction that you're losing your motivation, you're lazy, and you just you don't want to do anything.
39:02
And so we're going to make sure that doesn't happen because I don't think you want to be a 25 year old lounge lizard that's just sitting at home playing video games, do you? No, I don't. Okay, then I'm going to help you get out of that. And so the rule may be here that we set that up. It may be getting a job.
39:18
You know, do your kids work here? Kids in kids in tourist cities, I mean, usually work a lot more than non tourist cities. You think Agrarian places where there's farms and ranches and the kids usually work a lot more there than they do. They make the money, kids in the city spend it. And so this is where we line out that structure, but it's not ignoring the fact that the reason a child's smoking pot is there's something going on that I've got to deal with here.
39:51
I'm going to control it here, but I've to deal with the issue here. Because there's some reason when when a child says, well, I feel normal when I smoke pot. Really? Why do you feel so normal? No, I feel like I'm always tense.
40:02
Why do feel like you're always tense? I don't know. I just don't get along with people. Why don't you get along with people? And it's helping them understand that there's an answer.
40:11
This is this is where I'm controlling their behavior. This is where I'm touching their heart. And so this fits in with this circle over here in the relationship side. Because hopefully, I can be my child's counselor. Hopefully, I can engage with them different and offer them something during the time that they need it the most.
40:32
And if your kids are looking at you now going, you, I don't, you know, this and all the things and the rolling of the eyes where they go, oh, geez, what a dork, and say other things. If that's where it is, then we need to deal with the relationship side of it so that you can touch the heart here so that you don't have a son that's drinking like a fish and and smoking anything that burns when he gets married. Because now, because you haven't dealt with it, you've transferred it. This is what generational sin is. You've transferred it to the next generation.
41:07
You following me? So the role that we play begins here with the relationship. And this relationship, it really says that this is about how I engage with somebody else. And you ask yourself that question. How do I engage with my kids?
41:22
What do my kids think of me? Text them. What do you think of me? If you had to describe me in five words, what would it be? Have you all ever done that?
41:34
Had those kind of questions? You know, maybe asking your parents that if they're still living. My dad would go, what? What? He doesn't care.
41:44
And but I'm I'm going asking somebody, how would you view me? You know, if there would be five things you can change about me, what would those five things be? Is that scary? You you can text your kids and ask them because they say things in text they wouldn't say face to face. Would you agree?
42:03
If you can use cuss words to describe your feelings, what would those three words be? You think that would open the door? I don't do that to a nine or 10 year old. You know, they go, yeah. Yeah, I mean it, but I mean it's have you ever thought about that?
42:22
How they would describe it if you gave them license? Or are you more concerned that they're not supposed to cuss? And then you never really get to hear the intensity of their feelings? Is that scary for some? I want kids to talk to me.
42:40
I don't care what language they speak. I really don't care. That will pass. If somebody's in pain, they will express it through words they don't usually use at other times. Go into emergency room and just listen to the words that are said when a doctor's fixing somebody.
42:57
Working on Sam's one of Sam's buddies, what? A fraternity brother? Fraternity brother is an emergency room doc here in town. Is that correct? Have you hooked up with him?
43:09
I mean, that not hook up. That doesn't sound good. Are you seeing him while we're here? Okay. But I'm sure he doesn't sit there when people are in pain and they're cussing their head off.
43:19
Going, I'm not working on you till you stop cussing. You know, their legs cut off or something. Quit cussing and I'll help. You know, I mean, you don't do that. It's it really is a matter of of I don't I don't care.
43:33
It doesn't matter. You're in pain. I expect that. And so when you start to ask your kids questions, I ask those deep questions just to get them to respond so they'll know that it's okay to talk with me. Because once they get it out, then it's a matter we can engage differently.
43:47
Okay. But when I'm in this circle right here, this is the important thing. I've got to be asking questions about myself and not always putting it on them. If you don't have a good relationship with your child, then you have to say, before I look at the speck in somebody else's eye, I'm gonna look at what? The log in my own eye.
44:10
And this is where it's it's in one sense, it's not about you, but there are some things that are about you. Because I'm the parent. Any kid that comes on my property that that is is there living with us, if we're not engaging with them when we have a relationship, that's my problem. It's not theirs. If we have a kid that's not learning in a classroom setting, that's not their problem.
44:36
That's my problem as a teacher. You following me? Because I'll take responsibility for that. I've got to engage them. What are we not doing that can engage this child differently to help them to get to a better place?
44:48
So when I'm standing in this circle, I wanna know what is it about me that's keeping a child from engaging with me. What is it? What is it? This is where you pray that prayer. Lord, search me, know my heart, and see if there's any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting so that it changes.
45:09
What is it about me? Okay. I'm obsessive compulsive. I like to have things neat. Can you straighten that thing up right there?
45:17
No, not really. And but I'm just kind of one of those guys that love to have things in order. I don't know. I know there's there's some of you that have been afflicted the same way as me, That you just wanna have them in order. I mean, I'm always thinking of, okay, you you come to Heartlight and you look at it.
45:34
It's a beautiful property but it's beautiful because I drive on the property and go, that light bulb's out. We need to weed eat that stuff. That needs to be clean. There's dust out there. You know, I mean, I am just I'm just one of those guys.
45:46
The the flowers need to be watered. This needs I just see things that other people don't see. How many of y'all are like that with me? Okay. You are.
45:54
And you will drive people nuts. You'll be great doctors. You'll be a great architect because you'll see everything and then you come home and you try to do the same thing and you will ruin every relationship in your life. The things that are great for you in the business world, you know, are the way that you engage in your profession will be the greatest detriment when you come home. If you're a doc and you're looking for problems and trying to solve problems all day, you come home and all you do is look for problems, you know, then your family's gonna be a mess.
46:29
Because you can find plenty of problems. If I spent all my time looking for problems and correcting all the kids that live with us, I'd had no time for a relationship. So there's some things I've just gotta let go. I live with groups of kids that are just a mess. They're great kids.
46:44
They're just like your kids. They're just like my kids. But it's but they're a mess. And and so in that, I've gotta overlook some stuff and let it go. But that's hard for somebody who's obsessive compulsive.
46:56
And so I realize I'm that way because I've been told that by a number of people. You just can't quit, can you? I mean, it goes along perfectly if you're ADD because there's always something for you to be correcting or doing something. The reason I ride at 04:30 in the morning is because when the sun comes up, I see things. And I start going, wait a minute, that horse, it's limping.
47:20
Somebody take care of that horse. And so I'm texting people at six in the morning. You need to do this. We need to do this. There's something down here.
47:27
I will see things. The lights are out. Something's wrong. Change that photo cell. Is this is that clock's off by three minutes.
47:33
You know, the the it doesn't fit. Open it up. You got two light bulbs that are out. You got one here. Did y'all notice that when you came in?
47:39
You got one there. I've already see, I already noticed those things. You know, and if I keep pushing you, I will push you away from me because you'll go, God, this guy is an idiot. He just won't leave well enough alone. Yes, it needs to be corrected but can't we have a mess somewhere, you know, because I am a mess?
47:58
So, I realize that, identify it, and I let people know that and we joke about it But it's because I've admitted it, because it's a relational thing. I can destroy relationships with that. And I say that, is it any worse than anger? Sometimes your anger can be the thing that is ruining a relationship with a child. It may be your constant nagging.
48:22
It may be your desire to always fix something that you can't sit still. I mean, if I had my afternoon here, I I would I would find a ladder and I would change these. I took the shower head apart at the Cowboy Village where we're staying and fixed it this morning. I mean, I'm sitting there trying to grab that thing and and turn it because it had wood shavings stuck in the door. I go, well, I can fix a shower head.
48:47
I had so I fixed it for him. You know, and I'm going I I just I mean, it's just my nature. But it'll people love having me come stay at their place because I'll fix everything that's wrong. You know, but it's it's one of those things. I I realized what it is.
49:02
So what is it about you that pushes people away? Have you thought about that? Everyone of you have something. Don't you? What is it about you that keeps people from moving towards you?
49:18
It may be a critical spirit. It may be the constant nagging. It may be a judgmental spirit. It may be those things. But what I do here is that I ask, what is it about me that you don't like?
49:31
We've got a young lady who lives with us. I was with her in Los Angeles trying to tell her, sweetheart, if you don't change your ways, you're going to end up coming and living with us in Texas. So stop. You have to stop doing this. And she wouldn't even listen to me.
49:46
I took I picked her up. She's 14. I picked her up at her parents' home. I know her parents. And I've really known her for a couple of years.
49:55
And I said, you've got to stop. It's I mean, something she wouldn't listen to me. And when she got out of the car, dropped the F bomb on me and just walked off. And I said, okay. So now she's at heartlight.
50:07
Her parents ended up sending her to heartlight. She won't talk to me for three months. And she looked at me at first, she goes, I hate you. Why do you hate me? It's because you caused me to come here.
50:19
I swear, no, I didn't cause you to come here. You know, she went on and I said, mom, I'm not playing the game, but when you wanna talk, I'd love to. Okay. Monday night. Were you there Monday night?
50:29
They they had submarine sandwiches. And so we they were playing something in one of the fields and and it was getting dark and and they had sub sandwiches from Subway and and we'd just been connecting a little bit with this girl, Megan. And so I picked up a sandwich and hit her with it, about from me to you and then I picked up another one and another one and another one. I probably threw 15 sandwiches, nailed her each time. And I thought, okay, I'm leaving because she's gonna it's gonna be payback.
51:00
And she is running after my car now with sandwiches in her hand. And so I get my car, lock the door, close it, and she is smearing salami and beef and everything all over my windows. And I'm just sitting there going, bingo. Finally, I got her to respond to me. Sometimes it just takes time.
51:18
Sometimes it's a perception that isn't true. But part of it is the way she's treating me, I wanna move away from her. Grace would be moving toward her at a time that she needs me the most. You know, and so there's a part of me that goes, I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna walk away from you.
51:34
I'm gonna keep moving toward you. And now she finally responded and I'm going, I was really thinking, I win. I win. Go home and my dog's licking my windows and, you know, doing all that stuff. But it's almost realizing that in this arena right here, I've got to look at how I'm being perceived and identify those things in me and say, okay, if I'm being perceived that way, then it's truth to the one who perceives it.
52:02
And this is where I start, is starting to change some of these things. I say, I've just got to look different. You follow me? If you have a discipline problem, you have a relationship problem. And what you got to start on is is is the relationship.
52:19
Because there's nobody else that's going to create a relationship with your child more than you or has the influence more than you or that your child wants involved in their life more than you. It's what you do determines whether they will take advantage of it or not because you may be pushing them away and you don't even know it. You don't even know that you don't know. I mean, you ever think about that you're so good in architecture that that could drive other people crazy? You ever think about that?
52:51
That you see yeah, see? And it always pops up in relationships, doesn't it? And so I go, so what is it about the rest of us that they did it? Because we're all different. We all have something that pushes people away.
53:06
So it's just being careful with that the way that we engage. Do this. I make a comment somewhere in this thing about having a no tech Tuesday where you just everybody puts their phones up and you sit around and talk around the table, but have an all tech Thursday, which means this, if everybody has a cell phone, then you have to group text the prayer. Nobody you come to the table, nobody can talk, not one word. And so you do the prayer through a text and you hit send, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
53:38
Okay. Let's see. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Sally, can you pass the so and so? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
53:45
You know, everybody, if you want something, you have to text it. It's gotta be text around the table. Then you ask the question, what's the one thing you hate about our family? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And everybody's just going.
53:59
And then they start answering. And then all you're doing is is saying, I'm just going to kinda just moderate a conversation here. And and two things happen. One, you can say things that you wouldn't normally say, you know, face to face because you wouldn't look at them and go, hey, what is it about our family that sucks? You know, I mean, it you just you all say that in the Baptist church?
54:20
And yeah, I know you do. And and so I mean, it it it just creates and saying, I'm gonna use what's changed in this culture to communicate differently. There was a man, I made that comment on the radio and there was this man that got a hold of me from Kentucky. And he just wrote this letter, and I don't usually answer letters, that that if people are critical, I just I think Christian circles are just so critical. And and so I don't even answer them.
54:55
But this guy kinda got my goat a little bit. And he complained, why would you defame God to to to think that you can pray through texting? That you can now he probably thought that microphones were something, you know, of the antiquated and and he went on and on and on about this thing. And so I just so Sam sent it to me and I just wrote him back and I said, here's my cell number. Would you give me a call?
55:22
I'd love to talk to you about your comments. So he calls within ten minutes and I said, man, I I just love to hear what you're saying. You're saying that I'm not a Christian, that I that I'm a mess, that how dare I, you know, lower God to the standards that you can pray through texting, that I would I I think it would be take glory away from him. What are you talking about? Just help me a little bit.
55:45
And he said, well, I think it's this, this, this, this, this, then you're evidently this way. And I go off of one comment that I've made out of hundreds of radio programs, out of books, out of hundreds and thousands of articles. You're saying I'm this because I made a comment. And I said, let me I I'm I'm gonna assume a couple of things. What's that?
56:10
I said, you're not married, are you? No. I said, you're probably in your forties. Yeah. And you're not around kids at all.
56:17
He goes, no, I'm not. Enough said. That's just it. You don't get it. You just don't get it.
56:24
And so you become very judgmental. And I go, at least then don't listen to us anymore. I said, I would sleep better if you just don't listen to us and left it. It's interesting to me, take what kids are using and use it for our good to engage with them differently. I'd back it up.
56:45
Them that cell phone when they're eight. Let them figure out figure out how to take it away from them. If you're disrespectful, you lose it. I did that with my granddaughter. When she was like 10, I bought her an I something.
56:58
I forgot what it was, and she wanted it. And I said, here's the deal. I gave it to her in Christmas. I said, here's the deal. If you are disrespectful to Mamaw, my wife, grandma, if you're disrespectful to her, you lose it.
57:10
And she goes, okay. I said, no, no, you understand what I'm saying? I I mean, I'll spend a couple $100 on this too. You get it. But you gotta be respectful.
57:17
Okay. Okay. Promise me, Miley. Okay. Okay.
57:20
Within five minutes, she made a comment to Jan. Well, why would you think that, Mamaw? That's kinda stupid. I go, hey, Miley, give me the thing. What?
57:31
Give it to me. Well, why? Because you're disrespectful. That's why. So she gave it back.
57:38
So she gave it to me. I said, you don't get it for a week. We've never had a problem since then. Never. Somebody goes, well, that's manipulation.
57:45
I believe in manipulation. I'm okay with that. I have no problem with that. I give them things so I can take it away, you know. Okay.
57:51
I wanna go through this and then make sure I've been trying to make sure that we answer the questions that you've been giving. And so I think I've answered all but two of them so far in what we've been talking about. But I want to go through this thing just so you can see it. A lot of this is highlighted in the book, Tough Guys and Drama Queens as well. And one of the things that I'm going to be pushing you toward is one, get resources.
58:14
The other is to make sure that you get a newsletter. We had something come out yesterday, and it's a parenting quiz. And it basically says, what kind of parent are you? I think I mentioned this yesterday. And it is kind of just lit up everything and people are sharing it all over.
58:30
It's a fun quiz to take, but it's funny because I get to say things that you wouldn't normally say in an article and I get to be a little sarcastic and it's just kind of a fun response. I've exaggerated a lot of stuff. Get into those things and read them. There's truth in it. And so you kind of go, okay, what do I need to do?
58:48
There's an app we're going to tell you about that you can listen to all of our weekday programs, which are for men. There are sixty second spots. And then there's the weekend program which is a thirty minute program that's really for women because they'll listen for the whole time. Men don't have the time. It's kind of like the books that we have.
59:04
This book is really written for men and it's just a one page devotional. It's written for men. The publisher put a gay cover on it it, so people walk away from it. Doesn't it look kind of? My kids don't look like that.
59:18
I go, no kid that I live with looks like that. So after we sell out of these books, we'll put a good cover on it that makes it look more manly. But this looks a little different. And and but but it's it's men listen differently or read differently than than than women do. I mean, don't you all find that?
59:38
It's like when my wife says at 10:00 at night, can we talk about something? I go, Can we just limit it to like two sentences? Or do we have to go on for like an hour and a half, you know, when I'm just dead tired? You know, let's talk. No, let's not, you know, or or it's kinda like when women pray.
59:54
You know, it's it's like for hours. Lord, we thank you for the birds, every color of every feather, you know, and and you're just going, rub a dub dub. Thanks for the grub. You know, that's yay, God. You know, and and men are just different in the way that they they engage.
1:00:15
It's not like get to the point and let's get to the point, you know, and and tell me okay. Why don't you just instead of going through all this, just tell me where I'm wrong and I'll change it, you know, and and if you can do that in a sentence of of like five words, I'll I'll I'll make the change rather than the discussion of stuff. Am I right on some of that? However, wrong it might be? No.
1:00:41
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I'm not making fun of it. Well, they're just different. I mean, we're just different in the way that we're wired. Thank God.
1:00:51
I mean, it's it's you know, guys are more visual. That's why that's why you don't find too many women with porn issues. I mean, porn is every man's battle because they're visually wired that way. That's why that's why it's guys who are always looking at at, video games. You never hear of a girl with a video game addiction.
1:01:09
I mean, it's always, it's always that, you know, it's it's just they're wired differently. We're wired differently. That's why guys like to watch things get blown up and you know, I like I go to movies. I don't wanna walk out crying. I don't wanna I don't wanna walk out, go, you know, I I wanna walk out knowing somebody, people were killed, that that things were blown up, and and the world was saved and then five minutes after I get out of the theater, I don't have to think about that movie anymore.
1:01:37
I've I've just been entertained and I got away from things for a while and and that's what I want. Just a little bit of relief and and, are you are any of you guys like that? Just one? Okay. Just one.
1:01:50
Good. Hey, you know, and I used to think, I used to really think, well, there's something wrong with me because my wife feels like I have to be one way. So, she was trying to convert me into being like her and I was trying to convert her to being like me. Why can't you just loosen up? I mean, it's not a real shark eating those people.
1:02:06
It's a fake shark. I mean, come on. You know? And she was eight and a half months pregnant at the time, and she was screaming at Jaws and, you know, and all this. I was just not that big of a deal.
1:02:16
I mean, it's not a real shark. And and, I I can't change her. She can't change me. And so we learn to live with the difference and and just go, it's good. It's it's a it's a good thing because it's relational.
1:02:27
Let me let me move on to this because we're gonna go through like 15 slides of this thing that relating is more important than winning. I think sometimes we feel like we have to stand up for things. Okay. You're a homosexual, get out the door. I don't want you to when relating is gonna be more important than winning.
1:02:45
You move out the door, go. I just won. Scripture says that God hates divorce. Well, do you know of anybody that really likes divorce? I mean, have you ever heard of anybody go, I I really like divorce.
1:02:56
I mean, it's a I think it, I wouldn't wish a divorce in my worst enemy. So, we eliminate those people and and say, well, you've had that boom and we justify it and so we win but we really lose. And the law says that we don't embrace the people at a time that they need us the most. Because remember what I said, people get lost. And if they get lost and we eliminate them, then we're saying, you're not that needy.
1:03:23
Go and go. Or we forget that we were once lost. And so the relationship becomes key. The relation I I was asking a radio program once and the I as I said, I'm not a theologian on this and this is kind of a mess of a statement to make but somebody said, which is more important, relationship with Christ or relationship with parents? Relationship with parents.
1:03:44
There was I was there was no hesitation and people go, wait a minute, that's just wrong And I go, it's parents that are always gonna drive a child back to their relationship. If I'm to be to my child who God is to me, and that's the role that I've been placed in, then it's my job to point them to him. And when I eliminate the relationship based upon standards that say, if you have sex, get out. If you do this, get out. You smoke pot, you can't live here anymore.
1:04:12
All this and and I believe in consequences for inappropriate behavior. But to eliminate the relationship, I I don't think that's what God has in mind. My son went and called me and said, dad, I just need to tell you that that that I've been having an affair with a little girl out in California. This was nine months after he got married to the girl he dated all through college. And so my great statement was, I mean, was just a great statement.
1:04:42
Well, when you can call your father-in-law and explain to them how you screwed up, you know, his daughter's life, then we will talk again. But until then, don't call me. Doesn't that sound great? Didn't that sound just wonderful? Wasn't that a great statement to make?
1:05:01
I stood up for what God believes. I I put parameters on him. I put boundaries. I disciplined him. And I went, I'm right, you're wrong, go deal with it.
1:05:16
So my son moves out, moves in does anybody here work for Radisson Hotels? Radisson Hotels is a dump. And so he moves into his Radison Hotel in Dallas, on the West Side Of Dallas, and it was a pathetic mess. And every one of his friends, everybody abandoned him. He shouldn't have got married in the first place.
1:05:38
You know, that was the issue. So now he's traveling all the time, all the time, all the time. Worked for Deloitte and Tush, and and so now he's out in California, and he just meets this girl and falls in love with her. She's now my daughter-in-law, mother of my grandkids. They have a wonderful marriage, and my ex daughter-in-law is married to the love of her life.
1:05:57
And the amazing thing was, this isn't a justification thing, but the amazing thing is, is that that she had twins the same day my son had their first kid. And when they posted on Facebook, it was right underneath each other and it was just like God speaking to me. We're going to be okay. You know, now, does that mean I'm giving license to what they did know? But the interesting thing is, at the time that my son needed me the most, I abandoned him.
1:06:27
JRR Tolkien says this, he says, faithless is he who disappears when the road darkens. Now there's something about that, and we do it in our justification of what we believe, and we eliminate people when relationships are the most important thing. You got some creaking going on in here. I know. Your relationship with your child is the most important aspect of your parenting.
1:06:54
And just remember, one day you'll bury each other. One of you will bury the other. It's funny. I sat at my mom's funeral. We didn't bury her.
1:07:03
We burned her. And and and which is an interesting story in itself because my dad kept her ashes next to the fireplace, which I thought was just kind of humorous. And, evidently, y'all don't. And, and, but the and and then she said, well, you need to you need to, my dad said, well, why don't when we moved him out and moved him into retirement village, he said, why don't you spread mom's ashes down at Heartlight? I said, well, you want me to take her and do it?
1:07:36
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, take the little bag of her and and I didn't know what to do and so my sister called and said, we need to have an ash spreading service. I don't think that's in a book of discipline anywhere. You know, mean, it I just thought, well, I don't I'm not so sure how we do that and and so so I just said, well, what I'm gonna do is is take my mom and and put her in plants. And so so I bought these hibiscus plants.
1:08:06
They're tropical plants and have ficus plants and and all these different tropical plants that I've got. I've always done this thing. I've always had a green thumb for these plants and so, I I just took a little bit of my mom and put her in each plant. Only a cup. I only poured out a cup because she was real bitter when she died, and I didn't want her to kill all the plants.
1:08:27
And, so I just mixed it in with the soil and then planted her. And so even today, this was like two and a half years ago, three years ago, Jan will come out and she goes, well, I watered Pat today, my mom. And so anyway, so on her birthday, July 23, those plants bloom like crazy. And so I took a picture of the plant, sent it to my dad, and I said, dad, God promises to turn ashes into beauty, you know, more, morning into dancing and and your sorrows into joy. And he's done that today.
1:08:59
And so I and but I sat there and thought we had kind of a dysfunctional family, you know, and it just wasn't but it was funny sitting at the funeral. It was all about family. And I mean, that's who comes. And it's just it's an interesting deal that it becomes so important. So that's the ones that are there.
1:09:16
Even in the dysfunction of everybody. There's a whole other story with that. But relationships become key. The second thing is ask questions and it creates connections. Pique their interest.
1:09:27
Always be asking them little questions. Every day there should be a question that goes out from you guys to your kids, texting things to them. And what am I doing? I'm appealing to the relationship here. Because if I appeal to the relationship, I'm meeting their needs so they don't have to try to meet their needs another way where I have to have all the boundaries and consequences.
1:09:51
All behavior is goal oriented. Everything your child does, they do for a reason. They're smoking pot, they're doing it for a reason. They're having sex with somebody, they're doing it for a reason. If they're angry and mad and upset, it's anger is an emotional response to not getting what they want.
1:10:11
Anger is an emotional response to us not getting what we want And so when you look at that, it's a it's a light on the dashboard of a car that says, we got a problem here. Somebody's wanting something and it's not being met. What is that? And so when I start to see behavior, it's an indicator of something else. It may be that they're trying to find value.
1:10:33
If you've got a young lady that wants to find value by having sex with another guy, it's a temporary it's a temporary value. But nonetheless she feels valued at a time. And so I can look at that and go, how do I instill value in the relationship with my daughter? How do I do that? Moms instill value, dads validate it.
1:10:59
I think more so than not, moms instill value, daughters go get validated somewhere else. And I say that because that's what my daughter, I realized I was missing her because I was still over on this part, trying to fix her. Because whenever I fixed everything, I was the good dad. See how good I am? See how good I am?
1:11:24
Instead of looking at her heart here, that she was really wrestling with the eating disorder a little bit. She cheered at Baylor University. And so as every cheerleader, they're always worried about what they look like and how thin they are. And even today, she runs marathons. She's obsessed with weight and all that stuff.
1:11:42
I mean, I mean and so I was missing that. So somewhere along the line, I start asking questions so that so that she feels a sense of value, but I'm diving into her world not to ask a question so that she'll ask me a question, I get to share my opinion. Scripture would scripture says in Proverbs Proverbs is full. Anytime anytime you see the word fool in Proverbs, put just your name there. You know, it as a parent or as relating to people that Mark appears wise when he keeps his mouth shut.
1:12:21
Mark delights in sharing his opinion. I mean, you start thinking about those things, just like a fool, that it's about me. And so there's a part where I'm asking, and Proverbs says, a fool is one who answers before the question is asked. Which means this, when you're talking to me, I'm more concerned about how I'm gonna respond to you than really listening to your heart about what you're really trying to tell me. Because I already have it pegged, I already know the answer, right?
1:12:52
No, I don't. I think that I do. But if you really believe in the sanctity of life and the individuality of every one of us, every one of you in your response would come across different to me. But if I peg you, oh yeah, that question, I've already heard that question a million times. I'll give you the answer.
1:13:11
How cheap is that? Because what it does is invalidate who you are and the individual you are as a person. And so somewhere along the line, I wanna start asking questions. And so I'll tell you later that I want you to spend time with your kids. I don't know how you'd spend time one time a a week meeting with your your 21 kids but but because it'd be hard but you try to find some time where you can just sit down and engage with them and ask some questions just like you did.
1:13:42
Do you think we ought to think we're perfect? Any kind of fun getting that kind of response? Because you can laugh about who you are rather than always being so defensive that you find there's a connection in your imperfections than your perfections, that you start opening the door for that so they can have discussion. Well, mom, let me ask you a question. Do you think I try to be perfect all the time?
1:14:06
Do you think I'm judgmental? Do you think they're gonna puke back at you what you give to them? And so it's getting them to ask questions. So pique their interest, don't satisfy their curiosity. Get them to think.
1:14:18
Trust what you have taught them. And I you know, and and I this this all gets mixed up somewhere. Sometimes I feel like we we we forget to trust that which we've sowed into their life. We teach them for years and God promises that that he will bring to completion that which he has started. He will finish that which began at an earlier time in their life.
1:14:42
The scripture tells us, don't grow weary in doing good for in due time, you will reap if you surely sow. So my job is to sow into their life. So I've done that these first twelve years. He will bring it to completion. So I get to back off.
1:15:00
I mean, sometimes I think we we want our kids to we're trying to make it complete. But if we really believe in God's timing, then we're gonna go we're gonna let him complete what we've started. So we don't trust his involvement and we don't trust the seeds that we've sown into their life. And I'm going, if we did, we would back off a little bit and not be so control well, imagine that. Start trusting and stop controlling.
1:15:33
This is where I'm in control. This is where you become in control. It means I start letting you take control of your life. Do you really think it's sensible? It's really sensible to have a 16 year old driving on icy roads here in Jackson Hole.
1:15:59
They didn't seem smart. They seemed kind of goofy to me. But we do it. And do they step up to the plate? They do.
1:16:10
And they do okay. I mean, there's so many things that we want to to to trust and I want to make sure that you understand when I say trust. There there's a part of me that doesn't trust kids. I never will. I mean, II trust that they're going to get into trouble.
1:16:26
I trust II trust that my wife is going to burn our house down III just know it's going to happen. I mean, she she puts candles on like on a wooden thing on the the sofa and I'll come in. I'll get it at night and and come in and it's and it's melted and cracked the glass and the glass is run on the wood. I mean, the wax is run through the glass onto the wood It's just a little fire, you know, that's that's on the sofa. I know she's gonna burn the house down or she runs an extension cord under the sofa where she can plug in all of her doodads, you know, all her stuff that she needs to charge up, and you pick up that cord, it is red hot.
1:17:11
It is melted through the synthetic. And I'm going, she's gonna burn the house down. I trust my wife will do that. I know she will. I'm always calling the insurance.
1:17:23
We're still good, right? Okay. We made the payment and we're still good in case anything burns down. I even went and bought Browning Browning gun safe. I bought the biggest safe they've got and I put all of my stuff in there and it's fireproof and and so when she burns the house down, I'll still have all my stuff that I really want to keep and I'm not joking either and and so there's a part I but I just trust that that's going to happen.
1:17:52
I trust that my wife is going to is going to back into things. I don't know why but she does. We we live on property that has pine trees like eighty ninety year old pine trees all over the place and I mean, big old pine trees that are just huge and she backed into one that was 20 some yards away from the driveway. Because she was backing up and watching the screen and she just got off center or something and so went down this way and slammed into a tree 20 yards away from where and I'm going, we're not even getting it fixed because you're just going to bash it up again. I mean, I just I just do any of y'all have that same issue?
1:18:37
No. No. Dude, I you are validating me, you know, just boom, you know? But I just wait for it to happen. Scripture said, cursed is the man who puts his trust in man for he'll be like a bush in the desert.
1:18:54
He'll dwell in the salt places of the earth where no one dwells and his leaves will wither at a time of heat. So even though I say start trusting, I don't trust kids. I trust that they're gonna make mistakes. I trust that the that things are gonna happen. I trust that that I, you know, I trust that more so than really trusting them to go do what it but I still let them do things even though I know what's gonna happen.
1:19:20
I mean, it's just kinda normal. We invite a group of kids over to our house. Because I don't trust kids, I know that they will steal things. I just know that they'll steal things. I mean, you have, you know, 12 girls come over.
1:19:33
They're gonna find something. Somebody in that group will steal something. And so we tape different things shut, you know, and and we just put where they can't see it or or I'll put little notes and things. Stay out of here. You know, I mean, it's, you know, they're going to the bathroom and they always will open up the cupboards and look and I put a note in there to go, nothing's in here that you want.
1:19:54
You know, could because I just know that they'll take something and, so we had a group of girls over last week and and they left and so we go around check everything, but nothing was missing. And I go, no, something was missing. I mean, even little knickknacks and they stole baby Jesus out of a nativity scene that we had once. You know, and I go, that Jesus is over at Heartlight somewhere. We'll find it.
1:20:16
And two days later, we got it back. And had to taser her twice. And but but she coughed it up and it worked. But anyway, my point is is that is that somewhere along the line, it's starting to trust and quit being so controlling. There was a family that we had that that that wrote a family creative of a code of conduct for life skills and I've scratched out their name.
1:20:42
But but this is what the family said. And it's and it's interesting. They have a 15 year old son and he's smoking pot like crazy. So they were gonna come up with, okay, these are the plans for how we're gonna operate in our family. Presenting this to a 15 year old kid, a boy, and a 13 year old daughter.
1:21:05
They said the first thing, worship the Lord. Dating Christians only stay equally yoked. Attend church weekly through church services, Bible study, Sundays or family time, and meant for rest and visiting. Daily prayer should be an integral part of your life. Use your God given talents to serve and honor the Lord.
1:21:18
Tithing and charitable giving are important. Seek fellowship with other Christians. As you pursue an active church life and fellowship with other believers, marriages, or death until you part or death until or death do you part. Think about this when you pick a spouse. Oddly, they're divorced now and let's God let's God let God's light shine through your actions.
1:21:40
People should know you're a Christian from your actions, not just your words. Works and works and chores. Work and chores. Do promptly with a cheerful positive attitude without being reminded. Work always to foster a good strong work ethic.
1:21:51
Work comes before play, never put off tomorrow what you can do today. Making a to do list are very helpful and being productive. Planning things in the evening to prepare for your next morning is crucial. Conversation. We live in a spend free home.
1:22:03
No surprises. If you do it, then own it. Placing blame and giving excuses, do not own it. Learning. Place great emphasis on obtaining wisdom.
1:22:09
Note this is very different from book learning. Always have at least one hobby at a time. Read a minimum of one book every other month for a minimum of six books a year. This keeps your mind growing. Vacations are very important to take it every other year.
1:22:20
Try to go places where you can learn from the culture activities. Do not get in a rut professionally, socially, or in your marriage. Strive to be in a leadership position. Learn to have healthy relationships with others. Finances.
1:22:32
Do not spend money you don't have. This keeps you out of debt. Implement a budget. Always have guidelines. All major purchases over $200 should have a thirty day waiting period.
1:22:39
I wish my wife would do that one. And savings plan should always be implemented. There's never excuse not to have 20% of your earnings put away at a minimum. You can't do this and you're spending too much and you need to reevaluate your budget. It's a 15 year old kid.
1:22:54
Credit should only be used for major large purchases, home or vehicle, not day to day purchases. Credit cards have danger all over them. Try paying your bill full every month. Meals and exercise. Five fruits and vegetables a day, maximum of one dessert a week.
1:23:06
Minimum take of red meat two times a week, makes me want to smoke pot. You know what I mean? It's just exercise three times a week for forty five minutes at a minimum. Drink eight ounce glasses. Keep yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually in shape at all times.
1:23:19
Pick your friends wisely. No sex before marriage. No drugs. Never drink and drive. No fast women.
1:23:23
No reckless driving. No motorcycles under any circumstances. No bad boys. No whining or being a victim. No wild or crazy out of control party.
1:23:30
Be yourself not controlled by the group. Respect. Be grateful in everything. Remember to write thank you notes. Shower daily.
1:23:35
Nobody wants to smell you. Brush your teeth two times a day. Nobody wants to smell your bad breath. Smile. It makes everyone feel better.
1:23:40
Happiness is a choice. Choose to be happy. Media usage. Music, lyrics should be uplifting and not offensive. Movies, no porn, no horror, no movies not worthy of your time and should be worthy of discussion afterwards.
1:23:52
Computer, no porn. Entertainment, no porn. Evidently have a porn problem in their house. TV, no porn, uses a maximum of four hours a week, choose your time wisely, stay in touch with families, check-in upon arrival at a destination, check-in after school, contact a relative one time a week, have a personal contact with a friend one time a week, tell parents good morning and good night with a hug and a kiss. Attitude equals altitude.
1:24:16
Can do crew altitude with everything in your life. Complete all projects in quick and efficient manner. Dedicate yourself to schoolwork projects and work dream big and work hard. Always have written goals. You see why that kid's smoking pot?
1:24:35
There's nothing wrong with one thing that they said. Not one thing is wrong on there. But what does this have written all over it? I'm gonna control you. This kid chose to go to a military school north of Camp Pendleton outside of San Diego rather than live at home.
1:24:57
Start trusting and quit controlling everything. This girl said this, these kids said this. I made a comment, do you think that kids wanna be in control of their life? Sure they do. And deep down, think we all as parents would say that we want them to be yet somewhere in between thinking it and giving it.
1:25:20
There's a breakdown between thought and action. And I said, I think this is the reason why. And I go on in the book and talk about it. The kids said this. One girl said they wouldn't let me do anything and they would never give me a reason why.
1:25:33
I kept thinking I'm 18 and they treat me like I'm 12. They never trusted me to do anything, so I started to take control of my life behind their back. I started smoking just to prove to my parents that it was one area of my life they didn't control. And when they grounded me for smoking, I felt good because I knew I was in control of my life. Another kid said this, I wanted to prove to my parents that they couldn't control me.
1:25:55
I think that's why I tried to kill myself. Another one said this, I felt alive when I was in control and everybody except my parents knew me as one who could be in control. Another kid, my parents are control freaks. They trust no one, they'll never trust me, so I quit listening to them long ago. Another kid said this, the tighter they clamp down, the more I wanted to fight back.
1:26:16
Most of the problems I have in life are because of my parents. They didn't train me. They ruined me all because they wanted to be in control. Trust what you've taught them and let them fly a little bit. Now wait a minute, Mark.
1:26:29
You don't understand what's going on at the high school. I mean, they're doing all this stuff. Trust them to make good decisions. Let them fly a little bit. And then if they make mistakes, use it as an opportunity to speak into their lives at the time that they make the mistakes.
1:26:46
Give the responsibility, allow them to fail, quit doing everything for them, and allow them to take control of their life. Because here, we have control and they're in and then they're dependent here. Our goal is for them to become independent and in control of their life. Am I right? I mean, don't you want your child to be in control at age 18?
1:27:12
Don't you want them to be making good decisions? Don't you want them to be exercising their decision making muscles so it's built up so when they have to lift the hard stuff that they have the muscles to do it? Here's an example of that. 12 years old, you're going to church, you're doing this, you're doing this, you tell them everything they're going to be doing, that this is this is how it's going to be. Every day you're going to church.
1:27:41
You're in discipleship, small group mission, Bible study, servanthood training. You're going to be singing a choir. We don't have a choir. I don't care. Make a choir.
1:27:50
You're going to sing in it. You know what mean? Whatever it is, you're going to it. Age 18. You're on your own.
1:27:59
Which means this, are you all comfortable with this? You're on your own? That you start letting out the rope here along the way. Because I'm training my child to make good decisions. So maybe at age 16, or maybe at 12, when they turn 13, I lift some of the requirements.
1:28:21
At 14, I lift some more. At 15, I lift some more. At 16, when they can drive. Sweetheart, I want you to go somewhere to church, find a place that you feel comfortable, but you got to go to church somewhere. It's your deal.
1:28:33
You pick. 17, you don't have to go to church if you don't want to. 18, middle of their senior year. You don't have to go, but we're having lunch at so and so. Why don't you come join us?
1:28:48
What am I doing? Somebody goes, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. And I'm going, what you're doing is training up a child in the way he should go, so that when they're old, they won't depart from it. And so you're letting them make decisions as they move along this path. It's like this.
1:29:06
If you're on the Internet, I'm looking at everything. I'm looking at your history. I'm looking at everywhere you've gone. I'm looking at everything that you do. I am inspecting everything.
1:29:16
I have put stuff on your computer. I will read everything, look at everything. I will know everything. 18. It's your life, man, I'm not doing anything.
1:29:29
Because when they go off to college or get a job or go in the military, you think you're gonna have control over them? I want them to start expressing themselves early on so I can speak truth into their life when they start making decisions when they get up to this higher level. And so that what I've required for them here really this this this a lady calls it, you mean that I don't have to know, my child's 17.5 and I don't need to know their passwords? In six months, really? You're going to know passwords on everything?
1:30:04
I wanna train them up. I want them to move from dependence to independence. Me in control, them in control. You know, and get them to a point where they're making this Are they gonna make mistakes? Sure they will.
1:30:17
And when they do, if it's life controlling decisions, and we have this little circle right here that deals with boundaries and consequences for inappropriate behavior, then we deal with those things. But at some point, I let those things out. You follow me? Trust. Trust what you've taught your kids.
1:30:40
The next thing is foster independence. Some of the comments that your kids make when they make it 16, like, you know, I can live on my own. I can I can do this? I I mean, I don't need you. Those are really good comments.
1:30:53
If you have a 16 year old son saying that, it means he's becoming independent. As I said last night, it's hard for two men to live together because one's always gotta be right. Am I right? Of course, I'm right. And and some, the men get it.
1:31:10
But there's a part of it where where I'm going. It's it's it's fostering that and allowing that to happen. Our young ladies, when they get older, they wanna be on their own. They want the independence. They start thinking of let them think on their own a little bit.
1:31:24
And let them express it because I don't want them to start using other things as a pawn on the the on the chessboard of control to get back at me with things. I wanna give it to them and let them start making decisions. So their comments may move them to independence. The other thing is help them get ready for the next stage of life. Sometimes I think we're more into managing our own homes than we are preparing them for the next stage that they're supposed to go in.
1:31:51
It's almost like you're wanting to get the the father of the year award or the mother of the year award because it's about you when really parenting isn't about you. It's about you down here, you know, and making our kids, follow me, this is what we're gonna do, this is how it's gonna work. When it gets up here, this is about them. I'm gonna prepare you for the next stage of life. And usually you find out where you failed when your child fails later on in life.
1:32:19
Man, we should have talked about that a little bit more. My son drank like a fish when he went off to school. His roommate that he had, a guy by the name of John Carter, ended up asphyxiating in a sleep apnea machine a few years ago. But all because I would go into their apartment and there would just be, I mean, every kind of bottle there is. I sat there and I thought, I wish, that's my son.
1:32:47
I I wish I would have spent more time talking to him about drinking rather than just ignoring it. There wasn't a bit of alcohol in our in our home during the time our kids were home. And yet they're going into a world that's full of alcohol and pot. I go, how do we do that as parents? That's where I said writing that book, you know, discernment and moderation in a in a permissive society.
1:33:13
You know, and so, I mean, his roommate, you know, ten years later dies of something that was started because they came from the same home, the same kind of home. Good Baptist home, man. We uphold the standards and this is what we want. A third of the kids that live with us are homeschooled or go to a Christian school. Another third are adopted.
1:33:37
So we've had eight, nine hundred kids that are adopted live with us. And a third of them are Southern Baptist. And so if if you are a Southern Baptist who has an adopted child that you're homeschooling, then I've got a packet of information for you because your kid's gonna be with us soon. Add clear boundaries and supply subtract the strictness. This is right here.
1:34:00
This is this circle where we start saying, okay, this is what we want. This is what set the rules. Here's the rules and do this. Figure out 10 rules that you want for your home. What are the top 10 things that would change things within your home?
1:34:16
Can't smoke pot, academics need to be this way, you need to work at least twenty hours a week. Whatever it is, you need to treat everybody with respect, need to quit cussing, whatever it is. What is it in this circle that that there's five things that you're gonna say, this is what we want to be different. Just five. Moms, it can't be a 150.
1:34:37
Okay? Dads, it's gotta be more than two. I mean, dads are probably don't get drunk, don't get anybody pregnant. I mean, it's gotta be more than that, okay? It's gotta be use just five things.
1:34:49
Remember, we talk about those little 1% changes that have this amazing way of changing the direction. You know, it's like flying a plane. You make a little 2% correction, and then you make a 2% correction, and you make a 2% correction. And over a period of time, you'll end up in a completely different place than you ever started. And so it's the same way with these rules.
1:35:09
What five things are the biggest issues that we're going to deal with? And then you learn to let some of the other ones go. And then set the consequences for that inappropriate behavior. We put together a workbook and it's called just developing rules and consequences. And it kinda walks you through everything.
1:35:28
Buy it or or just take it and we'll give it to you. But it's but it'll help you through and it and it keeps me from having to explain all of it as we go through this. But it's making sure that everybody understands. And how I couple that is that if I'm going to be asking something from them, then I want to ask something for them as well. And so whatever your rules have been in the past, let let let's say this, let's say this is kind of the of the way to approach it.
1:35:57
Because I don't think you get what you what you want all the time. I think you get what you negotiate. I'm asking you to be respectful. I'm asking that your grades be at this level. You know, I thought when President Bush was at Southern Methodist University in May and he and he was talking for graduation, he said to all of you who who were magna cum laude, congratulations for your for your intelligence and your expertise in graduating with honors.
1:36:29
And to all of you who made b's and c's, you too may one day be president. He gave license to those people. I didn't do it. I wasn't even in the top 85% of my high school graduating class. But I made four points in college and I made it to law school.
1:36:47
I mean, and so it's almost we worry about so much. So you have to ask, is academics it? I just want you to make a three point average. I want you to make a 2.75, whatever it is. So I'm asking that you treat everybody with respect, that you make these grades.
1:37:06
You gotta quit cussing all the time, can't smoke pot, whatever those things are, whatever the big things are for your family. And you line those things up, and you put consequences to them. And those consequences, if you think that respect is the number one issue, what's the number one thing that would get your child's attention if you took away from them? What's the number one thing? Cell phone.
1:37:29
Cell phone. That's why you give it to them early. It's the new car keys. You know, a car, insurance money, whatever it is, whatever would get their attention, whatever you allow them to do or give for them, take that away. Them something and take it away.
1:37:45
You're going to lose this. But you connect the consequence with those issues of priority so you know how you're going to manage these top five things. Now there's five other things that I would put in a belief system, what we call it. I would put in there and I would say, here's just some examples. I know we've been monitoring your music and we're going to quit doing that.
1:38:11
So you can listen to whatever you want. And here's a Nano or a your own phone which they can download anything or here's some iTunes cards, but keep it on your phone and stick it in your ears. We don't want to listen to it anymore. I personally believe that music is more of an expression than it is an influence. I've just been around music enough and I've seen kids deal with it enough that really didn't matter, you know, unless it's Leonard Skinner.
1:38:39
If you ever get a pastor preaching about Leonard Skinner, you know they're messed up and and that no, not really. And so you can listen to whatever you want. You scoot that across the table. Here's curfew. I'm gonna give you a flashlight for your key chain.
1:38:57
Here's curfew that's usually been at this. We're gonna extend it just a little bit so you can make sure you can, you know, unlock the door when you get in. Here's a checkbook I'm gonna give you. And at the first of every month, I'm gonna deposit how much money we would spend on you. I want you to start learning how to manage your own money.
1:39:14
Sound crazy? I think you ought to do this in seventh grade. That what you do is you say, whatever money I would spend, clothes, activities, fees, lunches, allowance, whatever. I think allowance is backwards. The older a kid gets, we ought to be giving them less instead of giving them more because maybe they'll get a job and learn how to make money.
1:39:37
And so you line all that and come up with that number, whatever it is. 200 for a younger one, 300. For those that you're paying car insurance on, give them the money for car insurance that they have to write you a check back. And do a checkbook. Don't do a debit card or don't give them a credit card.
1:39:57
They've got to learn about debits and credits somewhere. It's just basic accounting. And so let them manage their money. Train up a child in the way you should go. And when they're old, they won't depart from it.
1:40:09
And teach them about finances. Why? Because what's the number one issue for couples the first year of marriage? It's finances. What's the number one problem with kids going off to college and dealing with money?
1:40:23
It's credit. I mean, kids get out with $10,000 worth of credit and average of $21,000 of school loans. They need to learn how to manage money. So I'm scooting that across the table. So that may be $300.
1:40:37
And so, on the first of the month, that money's in there. But on the second of the month, daughter walks in and she's got on a $300 pair of jeans. And you look at that and you go, what's your response? You know what your response is? Those are great looking jeans.
1:40:55
I love those jeans. They just have the rips in the right places and and they have the embroiders and, all this. My granddaughter at the CMA's, she walked in and she had holes in her jeans. And I'm going, you just bought those? Well, mom bought them for me.
1:41:13
You paid money for that? Are you serious? This $300 pair of jeans, it's embroidered, it's got little bedazzles on it and all that other stuff, and you look at it, that's a great pair of jeans. Moms, you look at it and go, man, I wish I had a pair of jeans like that. Different response, And then the next morning when she comes down and says, hey, dad, can you spot me $50?
1:41:35
I don't have any money for gas money. You know what you say? I'd walk in those jeans. It's 15 degrees outside. Well, you better wear a coat, you know?
1:41:48
Scripture says in Proverbs 18, says, if you rescue an angry man once, you'll just have to rescue him again. It's kinda like a child that runs out of gas somewhere and it's a safe place. I mean, you wouldn't do that if they have to go over the pass. Well, walk home. You know, I wouldn't do that.
1:42:06
But if it's close and safe, then don't go pick him up. Let them learn from the lesson. You know, let your child go, well, I'm not I'm not eating. I don't have any money to buy lunch at school anymore. Oh, man.
1:42:21
Well, there's peanut butter in the pantry you can get. Well, yeah, but what do I do about this activity? I don't know. It's not my problem. Well, what am I supposed to do?
1:42:30
I don't know. What are you supposed to do? Don't answer the question. Well, mom, will you help? Well, I did help.
1:42:35
I gave you $300. You know, you blew it. Well, what am I supposed to do? I have no idea. Don't give them the answer.
1:42:42
Give them the next question and let them figure out what they're supposed to do. Okay. She gonna buy a $300 pair of jeans the next time? She gonna run out of gas again? She's gonna learn how to manage what you've given her.
1:42:57
And that's what I'm saying. Give it to them. So I am sliding across a curfew deal. I am saying, here's music you can listen to. Here's money that I'm gonna give you.
1:43:09
We're gonna allow you to do this. And I tell you what, we got you a smartphone just so we can stay in better contact. They're gonna be looking at you going, what is going on? Well, we're just asking five things. We'll give you all this and we're just wanting you to do this.
1:43:27
Deal? Yeah. And there's consequences if you don't do this. There's consequences. Okay.
1:43:34
Now you got it lined up. You've developed your belief system of what you believe your family needs to look like and you go off it. So when they make a mistake, don't rescue them. Your child comes home drunk, what do you do? Well, what did you say you were gonna do?
1:43:47
I'm gonna take away whatever got their attention the most. It's gotta be painful. Gotta feel a sense of pain in some way Because your child will continue to do the behaviors they're doing until the pain from their behaviors is greater than the pleasure that they get from it. Remember what I said earlier that all behavior is goal oriented. They're getting something from everything they do.
1:44:08
When they intentionally argue with you, they're getting something from that. And you always have to be going, what are they getting from this? Well, then let's let's channel it differently. Let's figure out how to maybe engage a little bit differently. But what I'm doing is saying, I'm for you and I'm helping you do it with these things, and it means you have to give up some things.
1:44:28
And then, but I'm gonna require something from you as well. That's what I'll do for you. This is what I want from you. And you let that be your system of management while you're dealing with the relationship stuff here. So just think for a moment.
1:44:43
You start making comments that there's nothing you can do to make me love you more. There's nothing you can do to make me love you less. You're engaging with them differently. You're admitting your own faults and difficulties and hardships. You're becoming more imperfect that attracts them to you.
1:44:57
Instead of giving the answers all the time, you're moving toward them and just asking them questions. You're only nagging them on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. And on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. You're giving it a break. And now you're saying, I'm giving up on some of these things, and I'm giving you this stuff.
1:45:13
They're gonna be going. Is mom dying? I mean, is what's going on here? I mean, they look at it differently. Somebody said Alex Kress, who does seminars around the country, he does negotiation seminars.
1:45:28
He goes, you don't get what you want, you get what you negotiate. And then you use that so that that is the system that runs our family and I can focus on the enforcement of that and the relationship. Follow me on that? See, conflict is a precursor to change. Don't run from it.
1:45:49
You'll find that that that you work through conflict. It's amazing how your relationships will change. We have this tendency that we just run from it because it's painful. CS Lewis made a comment once. He said, pain is God's megaphone to a deaf world.
1:46:04
He also said, I don't doubt I don't doubt God's I don't doubt that God wants the best for us. I just wonder how painful it's going to be. And that usually comes in conflict. And I would tell you this also, that if you're in conflict with somebody else, the way that you handle it will be the way that your child will learn how to deal with conflict, you know, later on in their life. Will your child have conflict?
1:46:29
How you handle conflict in your marriage is how they will handle it in their marriage. When you have conflict with other people that are around you, the ones that you walk on the other side of the of a lane when you see them at the grocery store and you just would rather not see them. You guys ever have people like that? People that you go to church, you go, I really don't wanna talk to them because they kinda tick me off a little bit and I'm just, and you stay away from them. What you're doing is avoiding conflict rather than moving to resolution of those things.
1:46:59
Now, well, we'll get into that. Resolving conflict can deepen your relationship with your child, whatever that is. Pick your battles wisely. Determine which hill you're willing to die on. Focus on the majors, as somebody said earlier, and get away from, the minors.
1:47:18
It doesn't matter. Are there things that your kids will learn when, when they get fired from their first job? Okay. Are there things they'll learn when they get married? Are there things they'll learn when they have kids?
1:47:32
Okay. You don't need to teach them those things. What are the things that you need to teach them now? Because you just go, it's not, I mean, your kids are only with you a fifth of their life. And so it's almost saying, I'm going to let them learn some other things at other times.
1:47:49
That's that's that's a lesson to be learned by somebody else in a in a in a different time. That doesn't have to be learned right now. Not every not every teachable moment needs to have a lesson with it. You following me? You don't always have to teach them something.
1:48:10
Sometimes I think we shame our kids. Sometimes I think we What's that? One that hears that. I know. It may be something haunting me but you know, but there's but there's I I think we shame our kids sometimes by always correcting them or telling them another lesson.
1:48:31
The lesson's right. It's like it's like whenever my whenever I I have a discussion, when when I want to have a discussion with my wife about something and it gets in that she's gotta teach me a lesson out of it. Yeah, I really didn't wanna have a lesson, sweetheart. I understand that. I just wanted to have a discussion.
1:48:51
And sometimes people can't get away from that. There's always gotta be a teaching moment. I've always gotta show how better I am than you. I've always got, that's how I've been getting my value is by by showing you that I'm a value. And I'm going, sometimes a fool appears wise when he doesn't always do that.
1:49:12
And just leave it alone. Sometimes we shame our kids when we tell, yeah, there's a better way to do that. Why do we do that? When they do something and we tell them, oh, I can do it better, is what we're saying. I think what we do to our young men sometimes is we just snip away at parts of them and help them not become a man.
1:49:34
So they can do other things to become a man. Start having sex with girls and get on porn and they feel like a man or they do it. We just snip away at them. We don't let them really become men. And so they find other ways.
1:49:46
Older men do that. They buy Harleys. And I'm joking a little bit. I just gave my Harley away. And but I think it's I think it's a search.
1:49:55
I I I want something and and it's we're always always correcting everything. And I and I say that. That's all of us. We're always doing that. Well, if it's interpreted as a shame, I know this, that shame only fuels more sin.
1:50:12
When I shame my wife for doing something wrong, I mean, what I really do laugh about her backing into things. She did she did $4,000 worth of damage. She did $4,000 worth of damage to her car. She went to see my son and he lives in a gated or he lived in a gated community. And she pulled up to the kiosk to to punch the button in.
1:50:33
And then when she's driving in, she turned too sharply and just ran into it and scraped the whole back of the car off. And so it wasn't a surprise that that last year when she was driving home from Dallas, that the whole back end of the car comes off on the highway and it's just gone. I mean, I don't know what kind of car it was. What did what did she have? I don't even know anymore.
1:50:58
But it was beat up. I know that. I mean, it was a leased car but I mean, she had beat the tar out of that car and I mean and so she went and bought a new car. I didn't even know what it was, you know, and I just went, well, whatever you wanna get. It's your deal because she wants to feel like she has some independence and so she buys it.
1:51:19
I mean, but she still backs it into things and so it doesn't matter. I mean, really, I mean, backs into everything. Know, I mean, come over sometimes, she'll back into you. You know, and and, anyway, my my point is is that you focus on majors, postpone the minors. I look at my wife and I go, you know what?
1:51:36
It doesn't matter. It's a car. That's why we have insurance. It really is because I know it's gonna happen. So I don't I I just don't care anymore.
1:51:45
You know, even when the house goes, as long as that safe holds up, I'm okay, you know. It's got all my guns in it and and valuable papers. And, you know, as long as that holds up, I'm okay. Cook what's on the front burner and allow the other issues to simmer on the back burner. Give your teens your time.
1:52:05
You know, I don't know what the five love languages are. I made a comment about this last night. Have you all read the book by Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages? I was on a radio program with him and they asked me to come on and they script out every word that he says. He's on Moody Radio and and but they script out everything.
1:52:27
Chris Fabry's wife and I think Chris Fabry is kind of the host of the program and and his wife writes out everything. So, they wanna do an interview thing with me and while I was on the program. And so they scripted out everything that I was supposed to say. And Gary would go, hi Mark, how are you today? It's good.
1:52:45
I hear that you live in Longview, Texas and live with 60 high school kids. And I'm so sorry. Oh, yes, Gary, that is where I live. You know, and I'm and but they lined out everything. Well, that doesn't work for me.
1:52:58
I just I just don't do that. And and so I decided after about four or five minutes, I'm coming off of this script thing. I said, Gary, hey, let me ask you a question. And it was like, what? And I go, what if there's six love languages and and you only got five of them?
1:53:18
And his he goes, well, I think there's only five. I said, well, you think because we don't know. There could be a sixth. And he goes, well, don't think so. I go, well, I think there might be.
1:53:28
He goes, well, I don't know. I said, that's the point. We don't know. I said, people used to think there were nine planets. Now there's like 50 some planets, you know, that we know of.
1:53:38
They just announced another, you know, 40 some of them, what, six months ago or so. And Pluto, what we thought was true, maybe isn't one. So maybe maybe the love maybe there's another one. And it just threw him off completely. I don't know what the five love languages are because I don't read books.
1:53:57
I don't read anything that's gonna influence me in in parenting or anything else. But I think time is one of them. The way that we come across to our kids is time. Time is value. I've always made comments.
1:54:11
I can always make more money, but I can't make more time. And mark my words, you will get to a point, as I know that some of you have in this room. Two years ago when I was 58, my granddaughter was 12. And that time has flown by. I mean, it has flown by and so I started to think, okay, that means in twelve more years, I'm gonna be 70.
1:54:40
And so I announced to the staff, I got twelve more years. I'm not doing anything I don't want to do anymore. And I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm not doing anything else I don't want to do. So we started divvying up things.
1:54:55
And I just don't do what I don't want to do anymore. Have you all found that out? The the older people that are here, have you found that out? You just go, I'm going do what I want to do. Part of it's time.
1:55:07
You find that it's limited somewhat And every time a person dies around me, I'm blessed. Yeah. I'm I mean, I'm feeling somebody asked me, you know, how are you doing today? You know what? I didn't bury my son Thursday.
1:55:21
I don't have a wife that's at home dying right now. I I I don't have Parkinson's and and can't function. I am a blessed man. You know, and so I look at that. So I'm taking advantage of the time by giving my time to do the things that I wanna do.
1:55:39
And so so that's what I would tell you. Determine a time each week that you can get with one of your kids. For you, that means you're just not gonna have the time to do anything else. You're just gonna be getting with your kids all the time. She has, like, 31 kids.
1:55:53
And, which means this, if they do what she's done, she'll have 310 grandchildren, you know, which is just gonna be like, you know, like, well, I don't know what it'd be like. But determine a time that you can get with them and sit down and spend time and just ask questions. And here's the thing, go to that what's that coffee shop that we went to? What's it? Yeah.
1:56:19
We'll sit there and just ask questions of your young child. One day, they'll come to a point that they say, hey, dad, can I ask you a question? Mom, can I ask you a question? And that's what you're waiting for. And and a a kid comes back and says, well, I don't wanna get with you.
1:56:36
Well, I'm not paying for the cellphone. Well, that's manipulation. That's bribery. Yes, it is. But we're gonna get together.
1:56:46
Well, I don't wanna get with you. Then you're not gonna have a cellphone. Well, I'll pay for it on my own. Okay. How you gonna go get that phone?
1:56:54
Oh, I'll drive the car. Well, you're not gonna have the car anymore. Why is that? Not unless you meet with me. Well, dad, you can't do that.
1:57:01
Oh, yes, I can. And it forces the time so you're spending some time together. And when you get together, you just ask questions. And spend a lot of time going, wow. Wow.
1:57:17
Eventually you get to the point, what's one thing that you're fearful of me knowing about? What a great question. I call it the ace in the hole. You throw it out on the table. What's the one thing when you look at a son or a daughter?
1:57:30
What's the one thing that you're fearful about me knowing about you? It comes over a period of time. But you know you've come to a good place when they go, well, this is what I wanna tell you. Then you know you have a good relationship when they come out and say it, whatever it is. Whatever it is.
1:57:49
There's nothing that's so big that you can't work through it and get to the other side of it. There's nothing. Whatever story you have, I can top that story in a heartbeat. Just name anything. Name anything.
1:58:03
I can top it. Love when you don't feel like it. When really there's a part of you that wants to to walk away from the relationship when they've done something wrong. That's when God would call you to move toward them and it's offering grace and grace, I would tell you is a tough thing. It's not easy.
1:58:23
There's a scripture that said like like the barred gates of the citadel is one who has been offended. That when you've been offended and somebody's violated you, the thing you wanna do is walk the other direction and go someplace different because they've offended you. Grace is getting something you don't deserve. And so they don't deserve it from me, but I'm giving it to them anyway. And it's tough and it's hard.
1:58:49
Matter of fact, if it's easy for you to offer grace, it probably isn't grace. It's hard to offer grace. Just think of somebody who's violated you in some way. Now move toward them. And they've taken advantage of you.
1:59:08
They owe you something. I always make a comment. There's this kid that that we've helped out a lot, he still owes me $200, and and it's been an ongoing thing for years. Somebody will say the word Lex, and I'll go, you know, that kid owes me $200. Grace would be moving toward him when there's a part of me that wants to walk away.
1:59:28
I paid for a little girl to go to college, get her master's in counseling. We've done everything for this girl and when I'm out of town, she gets a two week notice and leaves after she's asked me to do her wedding, after. She has offended me like crazy. Now, I'm not there yet to be able to move toward her because I I hope she rots. I mean, do you ever think that?
1:59:53
Do you all really in your heart of hearts ever go, God, I wish they would go through a tough time. Kinda hope she'd be a failure just to prove how good I am. Ain't that kind of selfish? But there I know that there's a part of me that's gotta move toward her one day. Why?
2:00:10
Because God moved toward me. So I know that I've gotta move toward her. It's hard. Every part of my body said like the bar gates of the citadel is one who has offended the other. It's got me closed off.
2:00:25
If she called me right now, I think my comment to her would be, her name is Meredith. Hey, it's a Meredith. I would probably say, I don't know a Meredith. That's how the offense has been. So, I know that that somewhere down the line, I've gotta move toward her.
2:00:43
It's just not today but somewhere and so it's just knowing that that God would call us and it's not easy. It's not fun. Maybe something needs to be offered even today. Move toward when you want to walk away. Don't stop offering even when you've been offended.
2:00:59
That's a tough one. Offer the freedom to make mistakes. The development of responsibility produces maturity. You don't develop maturity. You develop responsibility, but you don't develop maturity.
2:01:14
Is something burning or did the heater come on? The heater must come on. Yeah. Expect mistakes so you don't shame your child when they are made because they will be made. Forgive when it's hard.
2:01:28
This is the tough one. Forgiveness and I want you to think about this. Forgiveness is giving up hope that you'll ever have a better past. Forgiveness is giving up hope that you'll ever have a better past. And you just go, I'm done.
2:01:43
I don't have to have a better past anymore. And you move on from there. Forgiveness and forgetting draws a child to you and it builds a respect from a relationship rather than a respect from fear. That it moves towards somebody. You know, I had a I had a kid that that that got real upset over a situation because somebody had put a sexual perpetrator sign in in their front yard at home because his dad was convicted of molesting a little 14 year old girl at their church.
2:02:20
The mother worked at the church. So this young man was upset and so he took it out on two things, a van that we had that we transport kids. He took a bat to it and did $34,000 worth of damage But worse yet, he he got a hold of one of my dogs and just kicked the daylights out of the dog. A golden retriever for Pete's sakes. A golden who's the only thing they'd done wrong is maybe lick something, you know, then and and I was hot.
2:02:49
I mean, I was furious. I wanted to kill the kid. I mean, was a part of me that I if if right then, every part of me on the inside wanted to grab him and punch him and everything else. And then I realized what he was going through, and I understood it. And I go, you know what, I gotta forgive me.
2:03:05
I gotta move toward him. And I go, come here bud. Hugged him, sat there and go, you're gonna be okay. Now you still owe me $3,000 and we'll figure that out, but don't ever kick my dog again. And so now the kid, he's doing well.
2:03:23
He's doing fine. His dad's still a mess. He didn't have to pay anything back, but I wanted him to realize that he owed something in the midst of that and then you just forgive it and move on. You follow me with that? I tell kids all the time.
2:03:37
I owe you nothing but I want to give you everything because everything you have will go to your kids one day. Yeah, I mean, everything. Everything will go to them one day. Take a regular break. Only correct your kids on Monday, Tuesday, and Friday and have a meal that no matter what's happening in your family, have a joke night around the table.
2:03:59
Everybody's gotta bring a joke. A good joke. Moms, no spiritual jokes because those aren't funny. Okay? They're just they're just some of them that aren't funny at all and well, there's none of them that are funny and but just find a joke.
2:04:16
Find a joke somewhere. Get online and look up jokes and just bring one to the day. Everybody's gotta bring one to the table. I mean, my granddaughter can look up jokes and she'll she'll bring those. You can open up a Laffy Taffy and get a joke out of it.
2:04:31
I mean, there's no excuse for not finding the joke but just sit around and have a joke night. Don't feel like to be a spiritual family, you always have to have a devotion. You know, it's or that you, I mean, I'm going, where did that come up? I mean, it's you just go, lighten up a little bit. You know, is it really is is the food?
2:04:51
My wife and I quit praying before every meal. We just bless the groceries when we bring em in. Follow me? So, we don't have to anymore. I'm joking with you.
2:05:05
But I go, we get in these we get in these little ruts and we think that's the voice of our spirituality. It's the things that we do And the expression by our spirituality is who we are and how we engage in that. It's more so than these little things that we do. And so have a have a mealtime where you where you sit around and laughing. I and I said this yesterday that laughter is a is a form of worship.
2:05:30
You need to laugh more. Who's the guy, Sam, that that, the comedian that is just hilarious? Brian Regan. Have you ever followed any of his stuff? Golly.
2:05:43
That guy is hilarious. And, I can just sit and watch him and laugh and laugh and laugh. I was driving home from Dallas the other day and and I put on, Larry the Cable Guy. And it's real interesting because he's he's just off the wall. I mean, off the wall.
2:06:04
I'm by myself driving and I was laughing so hard, I could barely see straight. And I sat there and I thought, I don't laugh enough. I really don't laugh enough. I mean, I feel like I gotta go see, you know, every spiritual thing there is. But where do I just entertain that part of me that can laugh and learn to have a good time and not feel upset that I'm enjoying something that's not overtly Christian.
2:06:31
Are you following me? Relationship with Christ is integrated into our own life. It's not a separation that takes us to a mountaintop where we don't ever come off that mountaintop. It's the way that we integrate it in everywhere that everywhere that we go so that we can have a good time. And I've said this earlier that that that kids are more lost than rebellious.
2:06:53
I always tell kids, hey, if you get lost, you're always welcome here. And and if you get lost, I'm coming to look for you. And and they know I will. And and I let them know this, and and it's a statement that I've made a number of times. There's nothing you can do to make me love you more.
2:07:12
There's nothing you can do to make me love you less. Family is that permanent is that is that permanent, harbor in a constant storm. And I would tell you this, that that provide a place of of rest for your kids in some way. Hopefully, of the things we've talked about will help change the way you engage with your kids. Provide a respite from the intensity of the world that they live in, kinda like that tsunami wave of influence that's cutting their legs out from underneath them, and let them know there's a place where they're loved regardless of the choices they make.
2:07:42
It becomes important, very important. And here's a couple of things. I I just wanna get this thing. I mean, it's if you're having problems with rules and all that stuff, then make sure that you're diving in to some of this by coming up with consequences, rules, and such. The other thing is there's this book.
2:08:03
It's it's prayers for my teen. It's really written just a a one page deal. It help you think about your kiddos, put them on the forefront of, you know, that front burner so you know what they're dealing with, and you just get to spend some time thinking about them and and always be reflecting on how I engage differently with your kids. That's one of the books. You can like us on Facebook.
2:08:23
You can go to Facebook now. Go to parenting today's team. Like us on the thing, but get that, what kind of parent am I email that went out yesterday. And it's kind of a test you can take, and it's sort it it's kind of funny. Why a guy from, Southern Texas sent it back because this thing is really funny.
2:08:39
My wife and I are laughing as we read it, but it's a fun reflection on just determine what kind of parent you are. You'd love that. You can listen to us. I'm sorry. Let me back up.
2:08:50
You can listen to us on on, Family Talk, XM, Sirius, or you can listen to us on the radio station here. We're not on K Love, but we're on Moody. The, and just remember whenever you hear Moody, it's like that. And, they love me telling the story there when whenever I'm there. It's interesting to me that that last week at at kind of their big shindig that they have where they were reporting on radio and all that.
2:09:20
We're a weekend program. There's other people that are daily programs that we're in their top three programs for their listenership. After all that we went through with them and and the differences between me and them and and all that stuff, they're they're a good group. So you can listen on Moody. Here's the other way you get it.
2:09:36
You can download our app. Go to the app and just get it. It's parenting today's teens and you can listen to our sixty second spots or you can look through all the topics and find weekend programs that are dedicated to any issue that you have asked me about. There's hundreds of programs there. So take advantage of that, and you can just put it on your phone, you can listen.
2:09:58
People start the morning with those. People listen while they're exercising, whatever it is, just listen. I think we have more people listening to us this way than they do the other. You can download our our daily podcast, and it'll be downloaded into your iTunes immediately, and and you can listen there. Here's the other thing I would tell you, and take this.
2:10:21
Does that mean I'm finished? Five minutes. That there's a family in crisis conference that we have. And this is a a great opportunity for anybody that is think is going it's going beyond what we thought it was gonna be. It's kind of a mess.
2:10:36
We feel like our family's falling apart. I would tell you, do not send your kids to us yet. Come to a family in crisis conference. Do that. 95% of the people who come to a family in crisis conference don't have to send their child to come live with us.
2:10:51
And so and except you guys were part of the 5% that that, didn't make it because you didn't listen. And, and so so come to that first. And and we have one even next week, and don't I think our next one is until, February, March and so take advantage of that. If you're a single mom or a single dad, it's free for you. Compliments of the Texas Rangers and so, so it it really single moms and dads get to do everything for us free.
2:11:22
Thanks for the opportunity to be here. It really has been refreshing to, to get away to Jackson Hole and, and not have like a billion people at this thing where we can spend some time talking. I think I've answered most of the questions that you've asked. I know there's a couple of them that I haven't, and so I'm game to stay after and answer those things if you want. And and, but just thank you for the opportunity.
2:11:47
Thanks for opening your church and allow us to to be here and and, thank you to you guys for helping put this thing on.
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